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Thursday, November 4, 2010

Fear

Fear. It's pretty much been the emotion/force/whatever whatever that has guided my entire life. As a child I was afraid to grow up. Then I grew up and I was afraid to do grown up things. Then I did grown up things and I was just afraid.

Will I be good enough?
Will people like me?
Will he love me forever?

Remember MySpace? Remember when MySpace with the IT girl of social networking? The big thing about Myspace was you could use code to add all this crazy stuff to your page. There were websites dedicated to building crap for your MySpace. One trend I dabbled in was the questionnaire. It was usually some list of totally random questions like "Vanilla or Chocolate?" "Do you want kids?" "Favorite pizza?". There was one question almost ALL of them had. "What is your biggest fear?"

I always answered: Losing my mom or husband

Well, for all intents and purposes I have lost my husband. (He is fighting skin and nail to hang on now of course but that's not the topic of this blog) I lost my husband and I'm okay. I wasn't always okay. In fact I've been a mess for a long time. Now I am okay. Really okay. Good even...and GREAT is not too far away.

So basically, I've faced my biggest fear and survived (Let's just ignore the Mom part okay? Let's not go there...that's a whole other ballgame). Now I'm working on thriving, on living and building the life I want. I won't lie...some days are hard. Some days I feel afraid and insecure. Some days I feel like if someone isn't constantly acknowledging my presence or telling me I'm awesome, they probably don't think I'm awesome anymore. Insecure. That's me.

Fear. It will always be apart of me. So much so that I may even tattoo a portion of my favorite quote to myself. Another fear, tattoos and their permanence. It's how I handle it from now on that will define the rest of my life.

Our Deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. (Marianne Williamson)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Let's move on now shall we?

Let's forget about that last post shall we? Though even the sad times warrant just as much attention they aren't much fun are they? Look at the bright side...reading that had to make you feel like your life was freakin awesome!

There will probably be no rhyme or reason to this post so just go with it...that's kind of what my life is like right now anyway. Go with the flow as they say. Which is so NOT me. I like lists and order and to know who, what, where, when and why. Preparation. I like preparation. Life is kind of giving me the middle finger in regards to that now isn't it?

Good grades, check.
College, check.
Degree, check.
High paying job, ummmm uh huh.
Husband, check.
House (see high paying job...um ok whatever I don't need a house until I'm 40)
Kids, crap where did husband go?! uncheck

See a list. I make lists. My current one kind of looks like this:

Figure out husband situation-pending
Take care of self, CHECK
Pay off debt, working on it
Have fun and say yes (as long as it doesn't contradict Take care of self) a lot more

That's it. Everything else is up in the air for now.

Having fun:
My little sister is 30! Her party was almost a total success. It would have been nice if my step dad's truck hadn't broken down in the party store parking lot 45 min before the party and we could have decorated BEFORE the guests arrived...but what can you do? We got there eventually, we danced A LOT (heaven heaven heaven for me), I saw old friends, there were tears and hugs and laughter. I got hit on by a guy who was almost the antithesis of what I find appealing but whatever. I got a few eye popping reactions from people over my little black dress/shirt/dress which was cool but surprising. Like, hello? Do I normally look like garbage or do my lil sis' friends think I'm incapable of hotness? People wonder why I always compare myself to her...jeez. Well, I fooled you huh? Oh FYI...the hottie on the right, that's our MOM. I am so not afraid to get older.


Speaking of hotness, I got called a narcissist. Nice right?
Narcissism:–noun
1.
inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2.
Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.

Oh yeah, that's me in a nutshell (rolling eyes). Yes, I have a healthy level of vanity. Mom raised me that way. Without it, well, I just think you would have no motivation to take care of yourself and look presentable. I'm not talking red carpet wear every day. I'm talking clothes that fit well and clean hair and brushed teeth when you go out in public.

Funny thing is, I got called a narcissist when I said sunglasses are good not only for eye protection but to prevent wrinkles caused by squinting. I was giving advice to someone else that was having a discussion with me. "Worrying about all those things must be such a burden." Um, no...I don't find trying to be healthy a burden. They are called good habits. OK, so I can lay off the little health tips. Fine. It's about health though, not vanity. I've since decided narcissist name caller doesn't really know what narcissist means. Besides if the only person I truly loved was me wouldn't I not give a crap about a certain someone moving on? Exactly.

I did fret over this a few days though. Am I self absorbed? Do I talk about myself too much? My dad is. Did I inherit that? Then again what in the hell am I supposed to talk about? I live alone with my dog for goodness sakes! This is my ME time everyone has been harping on me to cherish.

Blurring the lines between work/personal life:

I have taken a huge step (for me) in the last couple months. I'm letting my guard down at work a bit. It's scary. I mean, I could lose my job next week and then bye bye new friends right? I have to do this though...I see these people all the time. We have shared goals and projects. I'm not a robot...I can't not let them in a little bit right? So, I'm saying yes (see list above) and have discovered a wonderful thing...HAPPY HOUR.

I really had no idea how awesome this time of day could be. Normally I'd be walking my dog and working out and paying bills, etc etc. Now I drink and eat. LOL....OK OK not that extreme, once or twice a week for a couple hours. That's all. I love it though! $2 margaritas? Love. $4 appetizers? Love. Griping about daily annoyances while drinking and eating? Love.

Babysitting your coworkers kid for 5 hours...um, yeah...not as fun as happy hour. Whoever that Fred guy on Nickelodeon is scares the crap out of me.

One little downer this week...kinda miss that truly crazy utter happiness that comes from your soul kind of feeling. You know that happiness that just bursts out with an uncontrollable smile or makes your heart feel huge? Miss it...but there is this...

Remember the little phenomenon called "Free Hugs"? I even bought a shirt from this guy and wore it all the time (probably wouldn't do that now since my only body guard is a 25lb one foot tall dog). "No, not you dude...only females/hot guys/non creepy guys get free hugs." Love this video.





I've rediscovered how wonderful hugs are. They help a lot. Go on and hug somebody.


Later. : )

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

FYI

The author of this blog (me) is officially screwed up. I just thought you'd all like to know. I wondered how everything that happened in the last year would impact me. Well, in a not good way. In a VERY not good way. (Yes, yes, I'm stronger from my failure and all the pain and I've grown up and blah blah yes I know that part) I don't trust people anymore. Mainly I don't trust ME anymore.

My "friend or foe" filter is broken. First there was ALL THAT LAST SUMMER and then someone who I thought was a friend turned out to be a pig and now that I'm trying to make more new friends I can't decipher anything they do without thinking it's something else.

So thank you Guy Who Married Me and Mr. Pig for altering my brain. Thanks so much.

For the rest of you...patience...you'll have to be really patient.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Good Times

This post comes by special request as I was recently told my blog made someone really sad. I am just one of those types that usually only feels the need to vent when I am sad/worried/annoyed/lonely. So special requester, here is my Happy Post.

Guess what? I've been having a bit of fun lately. I've been doing stuff. With other people. Yep. I know right?

Oh but first...(and this is totally a chick thing, we obsess over this stuff so it's very important to acknowledge it) I am officially 98lbs and pretty buff and I actually have some abs! It feels amazing. I mean hello? I weighed this much at 19 when I hit the gym 3-4 times a week! Who thought I could do that at 31 and a half? Mind you, I can't eat whatever I want like at 19, but really, who cares? I look awesome. Ha! There.

<---Oh look, who is that wearing her skinny sister's dress?
Moving on...work is going well. I will not bore you with the details. Basically, my job is the same but I am reminded every day what cool, fun people I work with. I mean, this past Thursday I was off getting a massage (gift from work) with our receptionist and our supervisor. Not bad right? I also joined the Culture and Leadership Book Club (add big announcer voice here). We are reading a business book called Good to Great by Jim Collins. I actually like it. It's making me look at my workplace differently and myself differently. The club itself is giving me the chance to interact with people I normally don't at work and that's a good thing.

My yearly review is coming up. I am anticipating it going well.

Okay, so last weekend I participated in a social mixer at work (wine), dinner with a coworker (sake), Margarita Night with my two bffs (duh, obvious), and went out dancing with my sister and her friends (vodka). Sunday I felt like crap. It was worth it though. My weekend flew by, all smiles, no frowns. Good times. Anyone who has known me for a long time knows this is not typical me behavior. I'm much more of a "stay in watch a movie, in bed by 11pm" kind of girl. Still am, but it's fun to let loose once in a while.


I ate a LOT of sushi this month, lol. It's not difficult with Mizu so close to home. Great place, moderately priced, yummy sushi.
I am currently reading The Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson. I spent the last two weeks reading book one, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, at the suggestion of a coworker and now I'm on book 2, The Girl Who Played with Fire. Murder mysteries haven't been on my radar since junior high but there is just enough twisted sickness for me to enjoy them. The main character is super smart and my height (hey that never happens, give me a break) so she's totally awesome of course. Glad they were suggested to me.
Oh yeah, I had a girls weekend with my bffs at my apartment and got them into True Blood (more sushi, Bloody Mary's, vodka)!
Today was a nice day by the resort-like pool at my sister's apartment complex. Just me, my sis, and my mom...reminding me of some of my favorite times growing up. We had lunch, talked, sunned, swam...really nice.
Might go dancing next weekend in the city (vodka?)....





















Friday, June 25, 2010

How I lost that last five pounds

Maybe you don't care how I lost that last five pounds. Maybe you do. Maybe you "hate" me because I only weigh 100lbs and you are thinking "Oh gawd, you already have an advantage, you aren't me I don't care, shut up!" Fine. Whatever, get over yourself. I've been there. I still feel that way sometimes. It reminds me of those boys in 5th grade during fitness testing who could only do one pull up and I did two (haven't been able to since, I was so buff!) and they tried to rationalize it away. "Well you only weigh sixty pounds!" It's all relative. I'm smaller so my muscles are smaller, everything is smaller (well, except my head maybe, lol). Let's put things in perspective before I continue. 120 lbs is chubby for me. Here's proof:



Omg barf! I really hate this picture but it GREAT motivation. I use it as a reminder for how far I've come on days I don't feel good enough. This was early 2006 about 6 months after I got married. I'd gained 8lbs since my wedding day. This was a pic I sent to my sister to show her my new jeans (yeah, I actually thought I looked good). I weighed 117 lbs.

Fast forward: I ended up losing 11lbs and a whole lot of body fat. My waist shrunk like 3 inches. Since then I've maintained. Then my life fell apart and I dropped like 8 pounds from stress. 98lbs people! Oops, not good. Scared the crap out of myself. Now that my life has a new normal things have evened out. I gained about 6lbs back and then started taking care of myself the right way. So here I am at 100lbs.

I can't say for sure how it happened or why. There is no science in these answers. These are just the things that are different in my life since I first lost that 11lbs and was at 106lbs. I am real, not a celeb, just your average 30 ish sorta single female with lazy days and cravings and a budget.

1. I'm "single": Okay this wasn't really a choice and probably isn't one for you but you might learn something from it. I eat a lot less cheese and butter and hot dogs. A lot less bad fat basically. What is it with guys and cheese and butter and hot dogs anyway? One hot dog is like 160 calories, a bun is 100 to 200 calories. A slice of cheese is 100 calories, a tablespoon of butter is 100 calories. That's a lot less calories too...just not eating those three things. Guys like to eat, a lot. You don't have to eat what they eat, when they eat, or as much as they eat. You can't. You shouldn't. Muscle is where our metabolism lives and they have a lot more of it.

2. I have taught myself to always look at the calorie count of foods: This is a huge one. HUGE. If I am going to have cheese, I have a slice. I know what I'm putting in my mouth. Know what you are putting in your mouth. If you are going out to eat, go online and look at the nutritional data first.

3. Record what you eat: I use Daily Burn. I love it. They have a free iPhone/iTouch app that syncs with their FREE website. FREE. No excuses. Pretty much anything and everything you eat is on there. You can add things into their database if it's not. You enter in your weight, age, activity level, and goal weight and Daily Burn will give you a daily calorie range to shoot for. I kid you not, just using this tool, without worrying about exercise, took off 2lbs.

I basically eat what I want. I am not a crazy fruit and veggie eater. I do eat potato chips, dessert, etc. I do drink alcohol. The difference is, I eat smaller portions, I record it, and I make sure I stay in my calorie range. It has become second nature. If I eat ice cream after dinner, I don't have a glass of wine too. Usually doing that will push me over my goal.

3b. Sorry, alcohol counts: Basically, an alcoholic beverage (shot, 5 oz. wine, a beer) is going to cost you 100-160 calories. Mixed drinks are way more. Sucks right? Oh well. Deal with it or get ready to love your beer belly.

4. Don't eat junky fast food: I don't have much reason to eat at places like Taco Bell, Jack in the Box, KFC, etc. these days. I do enjoy Subway or Chipotle on occasion. The first three I listed...I mean, who knows what kind of additives are in that stuff right? I think that might have something to do with why it's been so much easier. Fast doesn't have to be bad but in most cases it is.

5. Walk: I don't know how much this has made an impact but it's a big difference in my life the last few months. You don't have to power walk and you don't have to walk for hours. I walk my dog twice a day for a total of about 30 minutes a day. One day a week we walk about 2.5 miles for 30-40 minutes.

6. It only takes 20-30 minutes of sweat a day: Besides my walking I make to sure to do something for my body almost every day (5-6 days a week). Whether it's yoga, strength training, or some cardio, I do it. If you are going to do cardio, do it in intervals. What I mean is get your heart rate up high (for me 180 bpm) for a couple minutes and then let is slow down for a couple minutes. Repeat. It seems like everything I read these days says to do interval training. My sister runs miles and miles every week and can't seem to drop any pounds lately. I think it's all about keeping your body guessing so mix it up. Don't do the same thing every day.

So, I'd love to put a great (recent) after pic but apparently nobody is really taking my picture these days so here's the link to my Facebook page. There are photos as recent as April, good enough I think.

I hope this helps. I hope this takes some of the pressure off. Give yourself a break if you have a bad day. What matters is that you start again.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Pet Peeve: Installment 1

It seems like lately, things have been getting on my nerves. The same things...over and over. I am going to try to use this blog as a way to purge my mind of these annoyances. I'm sure you'll be able to relate to some and maybe even get a kick out of it.

Reply All isn't that hard

In the last couple of weeks, it seems like I have had to be an event planner in my personal life. I don't know what is going on with people but they seem to have forgotten that communication is key when planning even the smallest gathering. We all need to know where, when, and how or it's not going to happen, right? With all the networking tools we have today it should be easier. Apparently not.

I've had two situations, one with a group of five and one with a trio, where an idea for a gathering was started with an email and then everyone suddenly stopped hitting Reply All. In the first case, communication stopped completely, verbal agreements were made between two of the five, and suddenly the rest of us were completely lost on what was going on! In the second case, I sent an email invite to two friends, one replied all, and the third....sent me a text with a possible date and time she was free. A text? Obviously you are reading the email so why are you texting just me? Hit Reply all and ask both of us.

So then I txt back, "Yeah, I can but we'll have to see if E can do it". Then nothing. So here I am the next morning and I pull up our email thread and I have to Reply all and say EM txt me she can do it this time, what about you E?" All of this could have been avoided if EM had just hit reply all.

It makes no sense to me. It's like we have too many forms of communication and people just can't decide what to use anymore. Remember ten years ago when we just had email? No Twitter, no social networking, no texting, no Evite. Remember a few years before that when we just had phones? Paper invites?

I have been considering an "Open House" day for my apartment so anyone that hasn't stopped by, can. I'm worried that unless I send a paper invite that looks official (like I put a little time in it) I'm going to get some e-replies and a bunch of no-shows.

What do you think? Does this happen to you? Are people forgetting the basics of communication and planning because we rely so heavily on all our fun new tools?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Hello Sunshine

Spring and Summer are finally here! That means I get to be a little bit happier. I get to pull out my tank tops and get pedicures. I get to lay by the pool and swim (one of my favorite things to do) I mean, really, Mother Nature, it's June. I know we have like, totally screwed up your ecosystem but you keep fighting you hear me? There are a bunch of us that really to love you (ME!). California is even about to ban those awful plastic shopping bags you are choking on. I mean I know there are a bunch of us who are really dumb and insist and screwing things up (BP) and I'm so so sorry. I wish they would just drown in the oil they love so much.
The Welcome Picnic at work I planned went off without a hitch. Supposedly people were even complimenting how it turned out. That is a huge relief since I have zero experience planning events besides my um, wedding...moving on! We don't have an events team at Sugar so basically whenever the company does anything fun it's up to the admins, Facilities and HR. That's a total of 4 people at our company. Yep. So now I'm responsible for two more summer events to which my sister asked, "So you're the Events team now?". Uh, yeah. See she is on Verisign's Events TEAM. She gets paid way more than I do to do it.....The Chinese employees arrived and are all settled in which is nice. I get a couple of mellow weeks this month and then I get to deal with end of quarter with accounting. Yippee. The excitement of dual roles never ends!

Other than all that it's been a rough couple of weeks. I am feeling really hopeless about my future. Basically all I see right now is A)things working out in my marriage and my life changing pretty dramatically or B)ending up alone because I totally suck at getting to know new people especially guys. I mean, I'm not 21 anymore so it's not like I have all these available single people to hang out with to meet other single people. I have a bunch of coupled up 30 something friends and family, that despite all their declarations of "We'll have parties and we'll do this and that with you!" aren't really doing that. I'm not surprised and I bear no ill will. I don't expect them to leave their mates home alone to be with me all the time. I think they didn't realize what they were saying when my couple hood took a dive.

I know, I know. Being a victim is lame. I am trying hard not to be. It's just been tough lately. He is feeling pressured though I'm not intentionally being impatient. I'm just lonely. I love him you know? He's making progress but it's slow. It may be worth the wait...that's what I hang on to. Don't think I'm just pining away not considering alternatives. I am. I have days where I wonder if I really want to give this another go and days where I'm completely certain this person is supposed to be in my life.

My days are becoming so robotic and I worry I'm getting OCD or ADD or something. I think about each of my meals before I even get out of bed (I mean, what else do I have to do?) I have to have my phone and itouch with me at all times or I feel all disconnected from the world even if nobody is calling/txting/twittering me. I bounce around from one thing to the next in my apartment trying to keep it just right. I've started weighing myself daily which I know is totally weird and pointless. I can't go one day without logging my calorie and exercise. At first it was just to lose a couple pounds (which I did yay) and getting a better grip on what I put in my body. Now I feel a little anxious if I don't record it. Uh oh. Not good right? Sis says "stay skinny" and called me a "hottie" (so weird since she's the family hottie). He said I'm too thin and to eat more. I think he's just worried or worried I'm too hot (oh snap! lol).

To put it out there, I'm 4'10" and weigh 100.5lbs. A completely healthy weight for me. I exercise about 30 min a day and eat 3 meals plus snacks so no, I'm not going to become anorexic or something. I love food too much and I will never love exercise that much.

I just don't really like how my thoughts are right now. I think it's me trying to control what I can control since my marriage is so out of control? I don't know...My life is in limbo and it's really frustrating.

Anyway, off to go walk Tully, do my workout, get ready for lunch at grandma's...(see there I go making a list again)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Update:Random stuff

Hey hey!

I just thought I'd check in today...sorry it's been awhile.

My parents are in Europe with mom's crazy bipolar/alcoholic boss and her family. I have gotten more than a few text messages alluding to the fact that crazy lady has "fired" my mom multiple times and Mom is job hunting when she gets home. Thank God! Really, I won't even get into how awful this woman's presence in my mom's life has been.

Mom and step dad did have a great time in the red light district of Amsterdam. Woo! Go Mom.

I house sat for them for 10 days and omg was it kinda sorta awful. I mean, I'm still adjusting to being alone in general...but being alone in another house without my DVR, sis is in Vegas, and two extra pets to care for? Um....yeah, I had a couple emotional meltdowns. Lil sis took over last Monday, phew.

Ok, so a couple good things that happened in the last week...I won $50 at work for our Spring Cleaning contest. I totally didn't think I would win being I was one of the organizers but hey it felt good. Oddly enough, a day later I got a call from Mix 106.5 and found out I won passes to their Idol Finale party. (I'm not in any of the pics but that's A-OK with me). It was actually really fun watching the lamest Idol season ever end on a big screen with a bunch of drunk middle aged women who'd only had the free popcorn to eat. Plus, I got much needed girl time with my BFF(minus baby).

Crystal totally should have won. Dude, Lee's vocals need so much work.
Oh yeah I am so proud of Michael for winning Biggest Loser! Dude was 500 lbs (five of me!)!

Work has been insanely busy like my brain just can't even deal half the time.

Ummmm, so yeah...looking forward to the three day weekend coming up, tending to my neglected apartment, sleeping, and catching up on all the season finales I missed while at Mom's.

Nothing new really on my relationship front. Still hate falling asleep and waking up. Only time will tell what will happen but we both hope it's going to work out.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Please watch this film

Food, Inc. It will be online to watch until 4/28/10 at Midnight

*there are disturbing images but sometimes the truth is disturbing.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I don't quite fit...

Saturday night my sis came over, we got all dressed up, hopped in her red convertible to downtown Campbell, walked into a packed Aqui's anxious for a margarita and...proceeded to have a tear inducing confessional. Bummer.

Issues we've had all the way back to childhood came up. Things about our mom (who is our best friend) came up. Keeping secrets came up. My relationship stuff came up. Add a Sangria Swirl and I was sitting in Aqui's tears streaming down my face in my little black dress and I could not stop it. Stupid alcohol.

So I woke up this morning and unfortunately I can remember most of it. I am starting to realize that I don't quite fit anywhere in my life. I am not exactly who my mom thinks I am (I won't get into why...let's just say, to most it's not a big deal but for me it is), I apparently am not the person my little sis thought I was when she idolized me (she did?) as a kid. Obviously, I'm not the perfect wife. To top it all off, I had a mini meltdown at work this week followed by a conversation with my boss that went something like this; "Looking at it now, I'm not sure this new position plays to your strengths...but don't worry, your job is secure."

In Summary:

  • Married but husbandless and not sure what's going to happen.
  • Mom thinks I'm this saint and I'm not.
  • Little sis thought I was super cool growing up and then got to know me (geek,shy,boring)
  • New position at work "doesn't play to my strengths".

Cool huh? No. Not cool at all. I am self aware enough to realize that it is partly A) I am still figuring out who I am and B) I need to be okay with who I am before anyone else can be.

But it's so much easier to just do what makes everyone else comfortable right? Just do whatever Mr. wants and then you avoid fights. Don't tell mom or sis EVERYTHING about you to avoid family drama. Let sis take the lead all the time because she's more assertive anyway. Just work, work, work hard and do your job well and the bosses will love you. Right?

I wish. If it was that simple, I guess my life wouldn't be such a mess. Crap. Now what? I'm open to suggestions...

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)

Friday, April 16, 2010

Not your baby's Facebook

Is it just me or do people suddenly lose their identity when they have a kid? Is it just me or is it suuuper annoying that suddenly every Facebook status update is "Junior just did this...junior just said that...junior just went here."?

I am 31 years old. Facebook is for grown-ups (and teenagers I suppose). I really am not interested in toilet training, preschool, junior's first steps, that they squashed a bug, picked their nose, whatever. I've been there, done that...30 years ago. My friends did that too. I'm sure if toddlers had facebooks, seeing those kinds of status updates would be all the rage.

The other thing I can't stand. Your baby's headshot as your profile pic. I mean, seriously? I don't know who that is...all babies look the same...cute (mostly) but the same. It is YOUR Facebook page, not Junior's. Besides, how do you know some kidnapper isn't scanning profile pics shopping for their next victim. "Oh...Lisa in Illinois has a newborn! And they live in "your town here"."

Now before you get all sensitive and think I'm a baby hater, I'm not. If you are proud of your child's accomplishment, great. Post YOUR reaction and feelings to it.

Part of my feelings come from the fact that it seems like parents want to involve their kids in everything these days. Also, when they do come to a "grown up" place (like a restaurant) many people let their kids run around like it's a playground.

All I know is that when I was a kid, mom and dad went to "grown up" places and left my sis and I with Grandma. When we did go out with them, we were expected to be quiet and behave...so we did.

I will admit, there is a little jealousy/sadness behind this. I feel like I'm losing touch with my peers cuz I'm the single girl now...everyone else is getting married, having babies, buying houses. Still, it is YOUR Facebook page. Remember that. It's YOUR life too. Don't lose yourself okay? (and if you could make you kid stay in their seat when out in public, that would be nice too)

TGIF, TTFN

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Ok, it's not ALL bad


Really, I apologize for how extremely sad my blogs are lately...it's just I'm extremely sad.

However...it's not ALL bad. So here are some good things that have happened since, well, you know.

1. I have my own place for the first time in my life. It's all mine people. Paid for with MY money. It's kinda awesome.
2. My dog is awesome. ---->
3. I have a couch for the first time in 3 years so I can you know, cuddle him -->
4. I have stopped the addictive Facebook games.
5. I walk at least 35 minutes a day.
6. There is an awesome (the sushi place to be, says my sis) sushi restaurant, MIZU, right across the street.
7. Two pools, two hot tubs, two saunas. I haven't tried them yet, but they are there!
8. Quality time with my bff's and family with zero drama.
9. I'm more self sufficient. I replaced the belt in my vacuum all by myself.
10. There is a lot less cheese and butter in my life, lol.
11. I got promoted and work and get compliments regularly.
12. I won $500 on the radio today. Good Karma. (bet white trash hasn't gotten any of THAT lately)
13. What will lucky 13 be? hmmm

See? Not so bad right? Right? Right.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Really?

I don't need to be told every day that I look tired, thank you very much.

You try sleeping alone every night for the first time in 11 years.

"Even with your makeup on today you look tired." Thanks. Can I strangle you now?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Dreamin with a broken heart...

Today was our first monthly dinner...(yes we've had lunch a few times but those don't count, they have a time limit). It went well. I kept wanting to grab his hand like I always did but wasn't sure if I should. He looks well.

He actually beat me to my apartment. I was walking Tully and heard a man walking fast behind me and I jumped a little inside and it was him. So we walked Tully together. Tully was so happy to see his dad. He stood up on his little legs and licked dad's face. While we were walking, Tully kept turning around and looking at him like he couldn't believe he was with us.

So we walked and we talked. It was a little awkward...this time together without a time limit. We just talked about work and what we've been up to and the dogs. I held his arm for a little bit but didn't know if I should so I stopped.

He came in my apartment for a few minutes when we dropped Tully off. I showed him how I finally put some of my nice things on display in the cabinet he bought me five years ago. I showed him how I hung some pictures. He said it was nice to see. Tully sat on his lap on the couch for a few minutes and then had to say goodbye to his daddy when we left for dinner.

We had some Mexican food...split an appetizer and a meal like always. Talked more about what we're up to. I told him how I don't miss the dirt from his job, how I don't spend much time on the computer at home now, how I clean every Saturday morning and how I always felt overwhelmed with all his stuff when we were together. I told him I don't want to feel like that in the future. He said he never watches tv and doesn't miss it, he plays his Evony game every night on the computer, his dog is fully crate trained, kids still annoy him.

I tried to get into more serious stuff but he's not there yet. He's still adjusting to me not being around and hasn't really thought about us and what's going to happen. He still has hope. I of course, JUST WANT TO KNOW NOW OK I AM SO DONE WITH LONLINESS AND WORRYING AND WONDERING...but that's me. I am trying to give myself a break and not rush the process but it's so hard!

I don't know if I'll ever truly trust him. I don't know if I can live like that the rest of my life. I don't know if I'll let the relationship swallow me again without realizing it. I wanted to say these things but I can tell they'd fall on deaf ears because he's not there yet. So I'll just hold on to it...for now.

One time he smiled and oh...there are the eyes and smile I love so much and oh my god how did we get here I want my guy back and how did those eyes and that smile do those cruel things to me? Then the waitress offered him another Pepsi and even though he prefers Coke and our food was long gone he said yes..."let's relax and hang out a little while". It felt so good. I won't lie.

I said I had his favorite ice cream in the freezer at home and did he want to take it with him and he asked "Why?" Like why would I not want to have ice cream for him just in case...but then he wouldn't come back to the apartment because "that would be bad". Oh ok.

Now it's time to drop me off and suddenly tears are running down my cheeks and I'm so embarrassed and I blame hormones and he says it's ok, "I miss you too." and we kiss a few times and I bury my tears in his shoulder and oh...there is HIS smell, not as strong but it's there, and oh I miss it. So we say our goodbyes and I get out of the truck and walk away...and the moment I get in my apartment I fall apart because...how can I love someone so much still after everything and why oh why did this all happen? Please God, help us find a way to fix this! He is supposed to be in my life I can feel it in every cell.

Tully is licking my face because he doesn't like to see my cry...and John Mayer sings "Dreamin with a broken heart" in the background and I cry harder because I have been dreaming about him almost every night for a week. Showing me his new home, going on vacation together, making love, fighting, all of it...and I wake up and it sucks.

So...I made it through. I look like a wreck and my heart is in pieces but I'm still functioning. I don't know what is going to happen with us...that's the hardest part.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

20 Days

20 Days...that's how long I've been separated, "single", alone.

I'm actually doing okay.

I'm not going to lie. We do text each other daily. "Good morning" and "Good night" at a minimum. There are 143's and 823's (old pager code for I Love You and Thinking of You) and "miss you" 's in there too. Maybe we are breaking the rules of separation but whatever. It's our separation, not everyone elses.

So far I've realized I'm actually a pretty clean person. I guess he had most of the "stuff". I've realized I was in some kind of fog or daze. I have to do everything for myself now. I'm not waiting do make a decision so I can run it by him. I just do it. I no longer sit around wondering when I need to start dinner because nobody is coming home to cook for. I just make dinner. Speaking of dinner, I am actually cooking. I really thought I would eat out of a freezer all the time. I hooked up my own Internet, set up all my own utilities, pay the bills. I USED to do these things, then I let him. Well, time to be an adult again.

I get bored and it gets really quiet...except when Tully barks. It's lonely. It's weird not having someone to tell your daily accomplishments to. I'm definitely not someone who WANTS to be alone. Nope.

I'm a homebody. Even though technically I could be super social, I'm still just content to watch a DVD with a friend over going out and getting drunk.

Of course, the invites aren't pouring in. Strange...now that I did what everyone said I needed to do, people aren't checking up on me. My life is no longer a soap opera so I guess they've lost interest. Really nice huh? I'm glad you found me interesting for a while.

Nights suck. Going to bed alone sucks. I have to purposely try to NOT remember what it feels like to bury my face in his neck and fall asleep on his shoulder or I'm DONE. I'm sleeping better though. Sometimes I'll let Tully on the bed just to feel less alone. Waking up alone kinda sucks to because it reminds you you went to bed alone.

I have money. I'm not rolling in dough but my bank account is mysteriously staying comfortable above zero. Taking all that time to save up helped big time. So apparently I'm not so bad with my money. I'm sticking to my budget and may be able to pay off some debt now. He is not doing so well, in fact, he's looking for a second job.

In a way it sucks but his choices got him there. Maybe he'll appreciate me more if we give this another shot. I know the first night I was in my apartment he called what was happening "a nightmare". Good. Our life really wasn't so bad. A rut? Definitely...but not worth the pain and suffering and immaturity and tantrums.

I'm not going to lie. I want him back. I want US back. There are going to have to be some changes though and there is one I KNOW he won't like but he won't be surprised. First I need to go through this though...this ME time. Okay, not totally me time, me and Tully time (he really wants me off the computer).

Oh, and Tully and I walk twice a day and he's losing weight and I'm not. Little brat, lol.

There are days like today where I should be working out right now but I just can't find the drive to do it. So that's just me. I can't blame clutter or stress or time or he's going to be home soon, blah, blah. I'm updating you all instead. So, "Hey. I'm doing OK but not great. I'm doing it so I hope that's good enough."

Have a good night. Hug the people that live with you. It's really quiet without them.
Myka

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Is the week over yet?

Sad right? It's only Tuesday and I'm wanting the week over. Well I guess the logical thing to do is say why. I'm not totally sure...I'm just wiped out!

Let's go back a couple weeks or so...

Last Wednesday my supervisor took me aside and informed me I was finally being taken off the front desk. Yippee! My new position would continue to assist Accounts Payable and inherit Facilities management. So for two days I was giddy but had to keep it hush hush. Yay, I get to keep helping AP and Yay, I'm going to be a manager of something!

Friday the official meeting happens. "Well, we let the AP guy go today and you and coworker 1 and 2 are going to absorb his tasks." So, now I feel like crap because a guy I've been working with since summer just lost his job. I keep smiling though. "You are going to take over your supervisor's facilities tasks as well." "So what will my new title be?" I ask. "Um, I don't know, make one up." Oh. Okay...but I continue my positivity, shake hands and say thanks. Right before everything is over something is mumbled about "temporary, a few months, we'll see how things go." EEW. I know what that means. It means "If we decide this was a totally stupid idea on our part you could be doing something completely different in a few months...or be unemployed."

Since then my super has said things like "My boss emphasized that I'm still Facilities Manager" (now she's not thrilled with this, it's her boss' paranoia or whatever) and "you are never going back to the front desk." I mean, that's good but now I don't have a safety net. "No the new receptionist won't be reporting to you."

So here I am 7 business days into the new job and I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm trying to do the AP stuff I know, teach what I know to coworker 1 and 2, they are trying to teach me more about Accounting, AND I'm still covering the front desk because they haven't found my replacement.

On top of it all, an exec whined to my exec because I wouldn't do a task for her that was 100% her responsibility. So I've already been involved in a little spat. STRESS. I know I can do the job, if things settle down. Unfortunately, I don't know when that will happen.

AND THEN...

there is my personal life. Ten days ago I found an apartment, I gave them money, I applied, yet I wait for an answer. It's affordable housing...which means they have to investigate your entire financial life. It's insane. So, I'm going to be homeless in 3 weeks unless this place says yes or I go out and find something else.

AND THEN...

my significant other is acting like the guy I fell in love with. He even mentioned putting his ring back on. I mean, that's good right? NOW? Now that we are taking a break? It's making this whole thing much more emotional and a lot less fun. I mean, I want to get back together if things go right but I didn't expect the process to start before we even separated...ugh.

I'm tired, I'm stressed, I want to cry. I feel like my life is a snow globe and I'm stuck holding it looking in at the flurries with no way to settle it down. Crappy analogy but whatever.

Can't wait for WTF...

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Legion and a little WTF??



So, I went on a little movie date with my soon to be estranged husband a couple nights ago ( I know, I know, we are weird)...and we saw Legion.

Eh.

Wait! First a disclaimer: *I am not religious. I find religion to be contradictory, restrictive, hypocritical, and man made (hence making it pretty hypocritical since most religions seem to be "ruled" by some "laws" made by some higher power)HOWEVER, I do have FAITH. I do believe in a higher power. I just don't like someone telling me how and when and why to believe in that power. OK, so if you do follow a religion that works for you, fine. It doesn't bother me. Just don't try to force it on me OK?*

Wow, oops. Sorry. Back to the movie...anyway, how could I not like a movie about God sending angels to wipe out most of man kind because He's sick of us? I mean really...with scary effects and action and everything! I tend to enjoy anything that questions religion in one way or another. Well, I did like it BUT it had so much potential it did not live up to. First of all, it was only 1hr 40min. These days we are all used to 2hr+ mega movies. There was very little, if any, back story. Nothing was really explained. Here's what happens:

Angel falls to earth like one of the terminators, cuts off his wings.
The Apocalypse begins (chaos, explosions, looting,etc)
Cut to diner with pregnant smoker chick and her country friends
Crazy killer old lady scene
Angel shows up and says, your son will save mankind, God has lost hope.
Everyone is given and gun and they start shooting all the angel-possessed "people"
People die
Baby is born
Angels fight
God rethinks things...
The end

Here's the deal though...we never really find out WHY that baby is so important. I don't think he ever gets a name even. There is no back story as to why God decided to throw up his hands. I mean, I guess that could be obvious given the state of things but still.

It's not one of Dennis Quaid's shining moments for sure.
Verdict: not a total waste of money, but I'd wait for the DVD.

WTF?? Last night soon to be estranged husband confesses to having a dream about "his son". Interesting. In June he shouted something at me during a fight about never wanting kids. "Was I his mother?" Yes. "How old was he, a baby?" No, like four...and I loved him so much and couldn't wait to get home to hang out with him.

WTF?? Now that I'm leaving you are dreaming of children? Happy, loving dreams on top of it? Way to make a girl feel confused.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

To Blog or Not to Blog

Hi,

It's me. I'm not dead. Sorry it's been so long...it's just that well, the world is so screwed up and depressing do you really want to read about my also screwed up and depressing life? Probably not. I have what, like 6 followers? (Not that you don't matter *waving* Hi! I love you!) Let's just say, for the last year or so, the only blogging I've done has been OLD SKOOL, in an actual journal...with a pen. Yeah, I know.

I've thought about doing a quick book or movie review but my heart's just not in it. My heart has had quite the year...god, it's been almost a year of this craziness and chaos. Hmmm. Well, when I started this blog it was all YIPPEE!!! NKOTB!!!JOEY!!!EXERCISE!!! and a few "serious" topics, lol. Life was so simple and blond then. I say that because then I was blond and now I'm brunette and I'm different. I've grown up (thought I already was, apparently not) and I'm stronger (more bitter, ugh I want my fairy tales back!).

What the hell, I'm bored at work and reading Twitter and other peoples' blogs, might as well blog and let it all out there....

My marriage is "on hold". It's not over but, well, it's going on hiatus at least. My husband was stupid and did a lot of stupid things. I was oblivious. Oblivious is bad too though. I accept full responsibility for oblivious. You know, I thought, we had a wedding, we took vows in front of a lot of people, we have rings, I'm all set. Um...no. Well, yes, for me that all means exactly what it should but apparently he didn't quite absorb all that into his very soul like I did. And I didn't notice...oops. HE DIDN'T TELL ME THOUGH!

Guys, really...we ARE NOT psychic! I did ask..."is this ok, is that ok, how do you feel about that?" and he always smiled and was supportive. I guess inside he was miserable...for quite a while though. While I was chasing NKOTB and twittering and chatting,etc, he was finding his own distractions. I thought it was just work...it wasn't. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME!

Alas, it's all happened and we've screamed and yelled and walked out and cried and made love, tried(for the record he didn't try very hard) and given up over and over....and it's just time for a break. The love is still there though...at least we have that. So even though I didn't get what I wanted doing everything I was "supposed to do" (the most disappointing phrase in my entire life) now I'm going to do what most people don't have the guts to do...I am "leaving" my old life with the hopes that I'll still want him (and he'll still want me) in my new life.

Really, did you want to hear every depressing detail of my marriage falling apart over the last 10 months? Probably not. Now that it's inevitable and our landlord is getting notice this weekend, I don't see the harm in putting my business out there.

Joe and Myka Part One is coming to and end. It's okay, you should grieve if you feel the need. A lot of people have been and will. I know I know, "not Joe and Myka?! What!!?" Yeah, I feel the same way, sorry. For a while you will have to be okay with just Myka. Or Joe. Not Joe and Myka though, sorry. We are considering a sequel...if we can come up with a happy ending.

So, can you handle a spin off for a season, like "Myka, Princess of Power"? Only, without the cool sword and flying horse... (though I will have Tully, the wet nosed Wiener dog).

What do you think? Will Myka be able to cope on her own? We she go on crazy adventures or will she pine away for Joe, the love of her life? Will she try RED hair for a while? Will Joe desperately try to win Myka back or will he become a nomad? Wait and see...