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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Dreamin with a broken heart...

Today was our first monthly dinner...(yes we've had lunch a few times but those don't count, they have a time limit). It went well. I kept wanting to grab his hand like I always did but wasn't sure if I should. He looks well.

He actually beat me to my apartment. I was walking Tully and heard a man walking fast behind me and I jumped a little inside and it was him. So we walked Tully together. Tully was so happy to see his dad. He stood up on his little legs and licked dad's face. While we were walking, Tully kept turning around and looking at him like he couldn't believe he was with us.

So we walked and we talked. It was a little awkward...this time together without a time limit. We just talked about work and what we've been up to and the dogs. I held his arm for a little bit but didn't know if I should so I stopped.

He came in my apartment for a few minutes when we dropped Tully off. I showed him how I finally put some of my nice things on display in the cabinet he bought me five years ago. I showed him how I hung some pictures. He said it was nice to see. Tully sat on his lap on the couch for a few minutes and then had to say goodbye to his daddy when we left for dinner.

We had some Mexican food...split an appetizer and a meal like always. Talked more about what we're up to. I told him how I don't miss the dirt from his job, how I don't spend much time on the computer at home now, how I clean every Saturday morning and how I always felt overwhelmed with all his stuff when we were together. I told him I don't want to feel like that in the future. He said he never watches tv and doesn't miss it, he plays his Evony game every night on the computer, his dog is fully crate trained, kids still annoy him.

I tried to get into more serious stuff but he's not there yet. He's still adjusting to me not being around and hasn't really thought about us and what's going to happen. He still has hope. I of course, JUST WANT TO KNOW NOW OK I AM SO DONE WITH LONLINESS AND WORRYING AND WONDERING...but that's me. I am trying to give myself a break and not rush the process but it's so hard!

I don't know if I'll ever truly trust him. I don't know if I can live like that the rest of my life. I don't know if I'll let the relationship swallow me again without realizing it. I wanted to say these things but I can tell they'd fall on deaf ears because he's not there yet. So I'll just hold on to it...for now.

One time he smiled and oh...there are the eyes and smile I love so much and oh my god how did we get here I want my guy back and how did those eyes and that smile do those cruel things to me? Then the waitress offered him another Pepsi and even though he prefers Coke and our food was long gone he said yes..."let's relax and hang out a little while". It felt so good. I won't lie.

I said I had his favorite ice cream in the freezer at home and did he want to take it with him and he asked "Why?" Like why would I not want to have ice cream for him just in case...but then he wouldn't come back to the apartment because "that would be bad". Oh ok.

Now it's time to drop me off and suddenly tears are running down my cheeks and I'm so embarrassed and I blame hormones and he says it's ok, "I miss you too." and we kiss a few times and I bury my tears in his shoulder and oh...there is HIS smell, not as strong but it's there, and oh I miss it. So we say our goodbyes and I get out of the truck and walk away...and the moment I get in my apartment I fall apart because...how can I love someone so much still after everything and why oh why did this all happen? Please God, help us find a way to fix this! He is supposed to be in my life I can feel it in every cell.

Tully is licking my face because he doesn't like to see my cry...and John Mayer sings "Dreamin with a broken heart" in the background and I cry harder because I have been dreaming about him almost every night for a week. Showing me his new home, going on vacation together, making love, fighting, all of it...and I wake up and it sucks.

So...I made it through. I look like a wreck and my heart is in pieces but I'm still functioning. I don't know what is going to happen with us...that's the hardest part.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

20 Days

20 Days...that's how long I've been separated, "single", alone.

I'm actually doing okay.

I'm not going to lie. We do text each other daily. "Good morning" and "Good night" at a minimum. There are 143's and 823's (old pager code for I Love You and Thinking of You) and "miss you" 's in there too. Maybe we are breaking the rules of separation but whatever. It's our separation, not everyone elses.

So far I've realized I'm actually a pretty clean person. I guess he had most of the "stuff". I've realized I was in some kind of fog or daze. I have to do everything for myself now. I'm not waiting do make a decision so I can run it by him. I just do it. I no longer sit around wondering when I need to start dinner because nobody is coming home to cook for. I just make dinner. Speaking of dinner, I am actually cooking. I really thought I would eat out of a freezer all the time. I hooked up my own Internet, set up all my own utilities, pay the bills. I USED to do these things, then I let him. Well, time to be an adult again.

I get bored and it gets really quiet...except when Tully barks. It's lonely. It's weird not having someone to tell your daily accomplishments to. I'm definitely not someone who WANTS to be alone. Nope.

I'm a homebody. Even though technically I could be super social, I'm still just content to watch a DVD with a friend over going out and getting drunk.

Of course, the invites aren't pouring in. Strange...now that I did what everyone said I needed to do, people aren't checking up on me. My life is no longer a soap opera so I guess they've lost interest. Really nice huh? I'm glad you found me interesting for a while.

Nights suck. Going to bed alone sucks. I have to purposely try to NOT remember what it feels like to bury my face in his neck and fall asleep on his shoulder or I'm DONE. I'm sleeping better though. Sometimes I'll let Tully on the bed just to feel less alone. Waking up alone kinda sucks to because it reminds you you went to bed alone.

I have money. I'm not rolling in dough but my bank account is mysteriously staying comfortable above zero. Taking all that time to save up helped big time. So apparently I'm not so bad with my money. I'm sticking to my budget and may be able to pay off some debt now. He is not doing so well, in fact, he's looking for a second job.

In a way it sucks but his choices got him there. Maybe he'll appreciate me more if we give this another shot. I know the first night I was in my apartment he called what was happening "a nightmare". Good. Our life really wasn't so bad. A rut? Definitely...but not worth the pain and suffering and immaturity and tantrums.

I'm not going to lie. I want him back. I want US back. There are going to have to be some changes though and there is one I KNOW he won't like but he won't be surprised. First I need to go through this though...this ME time. Okay, not totally me time, me and Tully time (he really wants me off the computer).

Oh, and Tully and I walk twice a day and he's losing weight and I'm not. Little brat, lol.

There are days like today where I should be working out right now but I just can't find the drive to do it. So that's just me. I can't blame clutter or stress or time or he's going to be home soon, blah, blah. I'm updating you all instead. So, "Hey. I'm doing OK but not great. I'm doing it so I hope that's good enough."

Have a good night. Hug the people that live with you. It's really quiet without them.
Myka