365 days

One year ago today I said goodbye to my old life. One year ago today, my husband helped me put my half our stuff into my apartment and said goodbye. Neither of us thought it was for good. "We just have to make it six months..." we said. One year ago today, I was shattered, I was tired, I was terrified, I didn't even know how I would eat or breathe on my own.

Today I got up and ran for over two miles non stop. I still have my apartment, I pay my own bills, Tully is happy, I have new friends, I have amazing health, I have money in the bank, I have less debt, I have a race to run, Vegas to conquer, and I can most definitely eat and breathe on my own.

I'm still not divorced. Actually going through with it is going to be really hard. Letting go is hard especially once you've forgiven someone. Especially when you still consider them a dear friend. Letting go is hard when your old friends are still on the other path of marriage and children. I know I have to let go though...it's holding this new stronger me back. I will wrap up the last 12 years in a pretty little box and store it away in a safe place in my heart...but I have to stop looking at it.

I'm still plagued with self doubt, though not as much. I still get insecure. I still need pats on the back and compliments and reminders that I have accomplished something. I still have lots of questions. What do I do now? Go it alone or with somebody? When you can suddenly do anything, it's overwhelming. I'll figure it out at some point I'm sure. For now, I'm just trying to enjoy life as much as possible. I'm enjoying my new found confidence, strength and freedom.

I'll never forget that evening a year ago, standing in my box filled living room with my mom, totally lost.

Mom-"Are you hungry?"
Me-"Yeah, we could order a pizza I guess...but wait...has He eaten?" (He, being the husband that drove away a couple hours before)

See? I didn't even know how to think about a meal without worrying about him.

To celebrate, I think I'll order a pizza, just the way I like it.

C25K Week Six, Day Two

Ouch. Need I say more? Today was not easy. You'd think after doing a 20 minute run last weekend (YEP 20 MINUTES!!! EEEK!) that two ten minute runs would be easy. Ow, no. The weather sucked this week (NorCal sucked=cold and raining) (cold=anything below 65 degrees, I know I know) so I only got one treadmill run in.

Whether it was the colder air, or my tired muscles, I'm not sure. Today was just not fun. I did the two ten minute runs and that's what matters. Five minutes goes by really fast now and that in itself is amazing to me. Run two was much easier because I was warmer and looser. My right ankle is going to be a problem simply because of my gait. If I decide to keep running as part of my fitness program, I'll have to splurge on expensive shoes. I don't want to create any long term damage.

I have realized I enjoy the walk/run/walk/run pattern more than just running. I got really bored during my twenty minute run last week. It feels more satisfying to stop for a couple minutes, walk, and start up again. I enjoy the mini goals more than one big one I guess. I'm not sure if I'll run the whole 5K next month or just go with what feels right. I'm not doing it for time...and I'm not even really doing it to prove I can anymore. I can already answer that question. I'm just doing it to meet a goal I put in place for myself.

I had to stay in and go back to some of my old cardio kick boxing DVDs this week and I will say this, my endurance has improved significantly. I barely broke a sweat from the DVD and my recovery time was extremely short. It feels pretty amazing.

The next session is one 25 minute run. I'll let you know how it goes...

Remember when lunch was just lunch?

I'm reading a book about how to be more happy.

This post is not about that.

I'm human and I have many emotions and right now they are annoyance and frustration.

Scene:
Email-E to M, "Let's get together when I'm in town." M to E, "How about lunch, I'm going out that night already. Sounds good!"

Email-E to M and L "Hey girls, lunch at 11:30am Saturday?" M to L and E- "Sounds good! Let me know where or I can make suggestions."

Text from E the night before to M and L "So are we on for lunch? How about salad buffet? WE are bringing little E."

*My brain explodes...no girls lunch...the hubby and kid are coming...sad.* Realize that means He L is coming too. Humph, fifth wheel. Fine whatever, I'll deal.

Text from E-"L wants Little Town Cafe, see you then!"

Saturday morning:

Text from E-"JJ (E's guy) invited G and A, M (since you are single, not said but implied) Can you get there early and get a table for seven?"

M to E-"This place only has tables for 4 and a long wait on weekends as it is. Pick new place."

E to M-"IPOP ok? Can you let L know, I have to workout now."
M to E-"IPOP is fine. L won't be up till after 10 though, maybe you should call her."

M passes info to L not expecting a response.

L to M-"IPOP is too unhealthy. E changed the plans so she and JJ can figure it out, I'm going back to bed."

M passes info to E. "You ladies let me know."

End scene.

Remember when going to lunch was just you and your girls going to lunch? Somehow it turned into breakfast at noon for seven with no set location...

Score!

I've been meaning to blog for a while now. I have lots of topics lined up; books I've read, my reaction to The Fighter, dealing with the single life, etc.. I just haven't quite been able to plop myself in front of my home laptop in the evenings because I'm in front of a computer all day and it just get so...it's just too much.

I've also been on an emotional roller coaster with all the feeling lonely stuff and resisting the urge to bare my soul. I can't do that here...not like I have in the past at least. I think we all share a bit too much in this day and age. Moving on...

So Valentine's Day. Yeah, that. Today's topic winner. I am sooo glad the commercials and store displays are done. Gone. Bye Bye. As much as I enjoy my freedom and independence there is no better holiday to make someone feel more alone. It's so stupid. It stresses couples out because the guys have to be romantic and the chicks have to put on a show later and really why must we assign at day to that? Eew. Even when I was in an "Us" it was awkward.

Anyway, mine actually (when I got over the moodiness, grumpiness, I hate this it's making me feel worse-ness) was totally awesome. Really. Let me list the reasons why. Yes, yes, another list.

1. It gave me an excuse to have an Anti Valentine's Day party. Throw my first little shindig at my apartment. I got to let out all the hurt and anger at White Trash with a Sharpie, a baseball bat, and a big pink heart pinata. I got to hang out with my girls and listen to songs about how chicks rule and love is dumb and dance and drink and eat garlicky foods.
2. I didn't have to worry about lingerie or anything attached to that. (this alone makes it worth it)
3. I ended up with three bottles of wine, some VS panties, lip gloss, gift cards to the movies, a mini bundt cake, a free lunch, and an ipod shuffle (courtesy of my employer who I am eternally grateful for even if the celebration was way over the top). I don't' think I've ever come out of a Vday with that much loot. Yay me.

I mean really, Valentine's Day is awesome if you can take advantage of it's ridiculousness.

I am so ready for St. Patrick's Day. My 5K is that weekend...and I'm pretty sure we are just going to keep on running to the nearest bar to celebrate. I've never really celebrated it...which is weird since it's all about green (I look great in) little Irish people (that would be me), corned beef (salty meat! I mean come on) and potatoes, and drinking.

Here's to hoping I walk into an office full of green balloons and Irish Whiskey on March 17th.