To start a new blog or not?

Pregnancy and motherhood have renewed my interest in health, specifically nutrition. Thinking of starting a blog. What do you think? Any holes in the industry I could fill?

What do I tell my future child?

That's right! I'm on the verge of being a mom...about 5 months away to be exact. Yes, that handsome man in the last post showed he is as intelligent as he is good looking and married me and knocked me up. In that order, thank you very much.

George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin. Yes, this is what I'm writing about. My new husband has posted his own blog about how he really feels nothing about the situation...because our country doesn't REALLY want to talk about race. I have to say I agree with him on that point. The only difference is, I'm feeling so many emotions about this whole thing.

What do I tell my future child? Odds are he/she will be a lovely shade of brown. Unfortunately, that also means some people will find my child scary. Especially if I have a son.

Our country does have a race problem. Is it improving? Yes. I believe if you spend any time with little kids today, you'll see that skin color doesn't mean a darn thing to them.

That doesn't mean that RIGHT NOW we don't still have a problem. Since I've been with my husband, I've witnessed it.

I'm petite, blond, and white. The two times in my life I've been pulled over by a cop, they've simply stated why they pulled me over "You're headlights aren't on.", told me to be more careful, and sent me on my way. I've never had to even show my ID.

The two times Husband, who is tall and black,  has been pulled over with me in the car, (in the last two years only) he gets a flashlight in his face, "License, Registration, Do you have any warrants?" (WTF? Instantly assumed he may have a criminal past) And yes, one time it was for a headlight that was out...that's it.

So yes, we have a problem. And I was more like George Zimmerman until I fell in love with Husband and his family. I was always afraid when I saw any man on the street whose skin was darker than mine. The darker, the scarier. Even though intellectually, I knew that was silly...that is how our society has taught us to be. I wasn't even aware of it until I started making eye contact and saying "hello" to more men as they passed me by, regardless of their shade of brown.

It hit me one day "OMG you've stereotyping based on skin!" I have felt shame for this. I don't blame myself though. I can only strive to be better.

 (Now, I'm not an idiot...I still pay attention to a man's body language and my surroundings.)

So back to my original question; What do I say to my child? How do I explain this without making them hate how they look? How do I explain this so they aren't afraid. Or do I say nothing at all? Do I just let Husband handle it when the time comes?

My life as told by my waistline...

But first...here is the thing I wanted to share but didn't feel it was appropriate to yet.

Yup! Happy and in love again...

OK, so on to the topic of this post. 

Like most people, my healthy lifestyle moves with the ebbs and flows of my schedule. Right now I'm hitting another fitness peak; working out twice a week with personal trainers (thanks to my employer), running twice a week (after a frustrating hip flexor injury), counting those calories. 

Pause

Use THIS formula will you? Stop relying on automated apps, online calculators, heart rate monitors, etc.  Every single one has over estimated my calorie needs by 200 a day! That can end up adding a pound to my butt every two weeks!

Resume

Anyway, I pulled out an old journal that I used to record my measurements when I first started my healthier lifestyle.  I noticed an interesting, yet not surprising trend...my weight and size changed as the stresses in my life changed.

April 2006
Weight 117lbs
Waist 30.25 inches
Life event-Newlywed for 10 months. AKA happy, comfortable and "he loves me no matter what." Also, "What the hell has happened to you?" asks lil sis. For perspective I was 108lbs on my wedding day.

August 2006
Weight 107lbs
Waist 27.5 inches
Life event-Oh CRAP I"m going to be 30 in two years... I better do something about it now. Low carb and workout DVD's enter my life.

For the next year and a half I plateau. 107 felt pretty good after 117 and I wasn't counting calories.

December 2008
Weight 111lbs
Waist 28.25 inches
Life event-New career. Company called Sugar. Food everywhere, as is standard in Silicon Valley tech.

July 2009
Weight 100lbs
Waist 25.25 inches
Life event-Failing marriage. This weight loss was 100% stress related. I wasn't working out, or eating, or sleeping for that matter.  I drank wine more than I ate and when I did eat, health was the last thing on my mind.

January 2010
Weight 104.5lbs
Waist 26.75 inches
Life event-Taking control. One month away from my own place. Eating well again but working out is not on the priority list. Packing and keeping my job are.

February 2011
Weight 91lbs
Waist 24 inches
Life event-It's All About Me. One year on my own, control freakish about my diet and working out 6 days a week. This is a few pounds too far the other direction. Deep down I wasn't truly happy but it was better than being in a miserable marriage.

May 2012
Weight 101lbs
Waist Unknown
Life event- New Love/New Job. Yep, almost a year into a new love, volunteering, and a high stress position at work and I'm ten pounds above my lowest weight (about 6lbs above what I think of as my healthy weight). Less time for me, more excuses to eat and drink and cuddle instead of workout and count my calories.

Today
Weight 95lbs
Waist 25.5

Today I am really happy. I've found a way to balance my healthy lifestyle with my happy life. I have to give a lot of credit to Kenny (see handsome man in pic above) for all of his support. It helps a lot being with someone who also is fit and prefers fresh food. Most importantly, he is happy if I am happy. Counting calories? He gets that that is what I need to do to maintain my weight. Staying at work an hour longer twice a week? Of course that's fine...it means he has girlfriend without a muffin top...and that sometimes I'll miss his softball games.  Passing on that glass of wine some nights? He gets that too...he can have his. I don't need mine. I work hard, I make choices.

This doesn't just happen. Nothing worthwhile in life just happens. Life gets in the way...a lot. So you do it again. That's what this is all about. You just ride the ebbs and flows and stay calm.

Today my waistline says...life is pretty awesome.

It's been over a year...

Wow. My life has changed in so many ways is the past year. Little did I know after my last blog post that a trip to Vegas followed by a casual night of bowling with a former classmate would change me so dramatically.

I mean I'm still all those things in that last post but I'm also more...

I so want to share it all! I can't, not yet. A certain legal status needs to change before I feel safe enough to do so.

A few things though...full time as an EA and pretty much rocking it. Love it most days. My company is exploding and it's so exciting. What job crisis?

I'm a Christian now. Hahahaha. Crazy right? Found a cool church. Real people.

I've attempted salsa dancing. Fun, but I'm definitely not a natural.

Started teaching at my old high school band program again. Love.

Spent some time in San Diego. Beautiful!

I have Phoenix, New Orleans, NYC, and Maui in my future...

I'm finally in a position to save for retirement AND a new car.

and maybe, just maybe some old dreams will become a possibility again.

See ya!

It's all me...

Athletic
Accomplished
Emotional
Drained
Confused
Excited
Passionate
Geeky
trying to balance wanting to push
Unsure
Insecure
Confident
Musical
Introverted
Social
Compassionate
Frustrated
Determined
Beautiful
Dark
Moody
Sunshine
Quiet
Energetic
Awkward
Indecisive
Loving

I'm all these things...THAT is who I am.

I'm happy...

It's Saturday. I've been at the front desk (my old post) of my office for almost 10 hours. It's kind of cloudy outside. Everyone else in the office is tucked away doing a "code sprint" and I don't even really know what that is or what the result will be. I've been cleaning up after them, setting up their meals, running little errands. Sounds miserable right?

Nope.

I'm getting paid OT to sit around and make sure the office is secure and hard working people are well fed and comfortable. I'm eating for free. I'm wearing the most comfortable clothes I own. I have a job. I work for a company and with a group of people that has taken care of me, helped me grow, and puts its arm around my shoulder during the toughest two years of my life.

I am really happy right now. This moment. Nothing that has happened matters in this moment.

A little bored, yes. I little jacked up from my Go Girl, yes. Doesn't matter.

I've been reading this little book called "The Happiness Makeover" by M. J. Ryan and it is a gem. It doesn't say it will change your life or make you rich or anything like that. It just gives you common sense tips on how to be happier. It's working...and really I feel silly that I didn't already know these things. Many things in life are learned and this is something I had to learn. It's going to take practice to make being happy a part of who I am but I know I can do it.

Things are going great for the company I work with so that makes me happy. I've never experienced this and it is fun to watch and be a part of.

I am finally going to be doing a job I really have been wanting to do. What I know, what I'm good at. Two more weeks and I can show myself and everyone else what I'm made of. It's exciting. It's what I know how to do, but in a completely different environment. One that will challenge me. It's a little scary but you know what? I am just going to push the worries aside because they will just bog me down and suck away this amazing feeling I have. I know I can do this. I know it. Being able to say that? Amazing.

So, I am going to sit here for as long as they need me because that is what I like to do. Help people. Be there. Be dependable. Smile (maybe between yawns at this point).

I did it!

My first race has come and gone and it was amazing, liberating, fun, emotional...more than I thought it would be. It was fun! I had fun...running. I did it with my mom and my sister and that made it all the more special.





Here's proof.





and here is mom and I after the race with our MEDALS haha.

I didn't try to be Supergirl and run the whole thing...I just did what my body told me...I'd walk briefly here and there, mom would catch up then pass me, I'd do the same...and I think in the long run I had a better time because of it. My goal was to stay under 40 minutes and we finished in 38:50! I got 78th place overall out of 452 5K runners and 26th place for females my age out of 113. I think it's pretty awesome. I only know how to come in last or almost last...so every time I passed anybody it blew my mind a little bit.

I have to give major props to my mom. She is 58 years old and really didn't get to train as much as I did and she hung right in there with me. She placed 5th for her age group. Yay Mom!

Big thanks to my sister for being so supportive and paying my registration. She ran the 10K and placed 38th in her age group...running around 57 minutes.

I'm considering doing another one soon because we had so much fun...there's that word again...fun.

So I've officially checked off one of my goals for 2011. Of course, now I've added a new one...I want to focus on strength training more and get Jillian Micheal's like abs. Should be a breeze right?

Vegas is next...that is assuming the government doesn't rape me so bad with my income taxes I have to get a second job for the next few months.

Run, it's fun.

365 days

One year ago today I said goodbye to my old life. One year ago today, my husband helped me put my half our stuff into my apartment and said goodbye. Neither of us thought it was for good. "We just have to make it six months..." we said. One year ago today, I was shattered, I was tired, I was terrified, I didn't even know how I would eat or breathe on my own.

Today I got up and ran for over two miles non stop. I still have my apartment, I pay my own bills, Tully is happy, I have new friends, I have amazing health, I have money in the bank, I have less debt, I have a race to run, Vegas to conquer, and I can most definitely eat and breathe on my own.

I'm still not divorced. Actually going through with it is going to be really hard. Letting go is hard especially once you've forgiven someone. Especially when you still consider them a dear friend. Letting go is hard when your old friends are still on the other path of marriage and children. I know I have to let go though...it's holding this new stronger me back. I will wrap up the last 12 years in a pretty little box and store it away in a safe place in my heart...but I have to stop looking at it.

I'm still plagued with self doubt, though not as much. I still get insecure. I still need pats on the back and compliments and reminders that I have accomplished something. I still have lots of questions. What do I do now? Go it alone or with somebody? When you can suddenly do anything, it's overwhelming. I'll figure it out at some point I'm sure. For now, I'm just trying to enjoy life as much as possible. I'm enjoying my new found confidence, strength and freedom.

I'll never forget that evening a year ago, standing in my box filled living room with my mom, totally lost.

Mom-"Are you hungry?"
Me-"Yeah, we could order a pizza I guess...but wait...has He eaten?" (He, being the husband that drove away a couple hours before)

See? I didn't even know how to think about a meal without worrying about him.

To celebrate, I think I'll order a pizza, just the way I like it.

C25K Week Six, Day Two

Ouch. Need I say more? Today was not easy. You'd think after doing a 20 minute run last weekend (YEP 20 MINUTES!!! EEEK!) that two ten minute runs would be easy. Ow, no. The weather sucked this week (NorCal sucked=cold and raining) (cold=anything below 65 degrees, I know I know) so I only got one treadmill run in.

Whether it was the colder air, or my tired muscles, I'm not sure. Today was just not fun. I did the two ten minute runs and that's what matters. Five minutes goes by really fast now and that in itself is amazing to me. Run two was much easier because I was warmer and looser. My right ankle is going to be a problem simply because of my gait. If I decide to keep running as part of my fitness program, I'll have to splurge on expensive shoes. I don't want to create any long term damage.

I have realized I enjoy the walk/run/walk/run pattern more than just running. I got really bored during my twenty minute run last week. It feels more satisfying to stop for a couple minutes, walk, and start up again. I enjoy the mini goals more than one big one I guess. I'm not sure if I'll run the whole 5K next month or just go with what feels right. I'm not doing it for time...and I'm not even really doing it to prove I can anymore. I can already answer that question. I'm just doing it to meet a goal I put in place for myself.

I had to stay in and go back to some of my old cardio kick boxing DVDs this week and I will say this, my endurance has improved significantly. I barely broke a sweat from the DVD and my recovery time was extremely short. It feels pretty amazing.

The next session is one 25 minute run. I'll let you know how it goes...

Remember when lunch was just lunch?

I'm reading a book about how to be more happy.

This post is not about that.

I'm human and I have many emotions and right now they are annoyance and frustration.

Scene:
Email-E to M, "Let's get together when I'm in town." M to E, "How about lunch, I'm going out that night already. Sounds good!"

Email-E to M and L "Hey girls, lunch at 11:30am Saturday?" M to L and E- "Sounds good! Let me know where or I can make suggestions."

Text from E the night before to M and L "So are we on for lunch? How about salad buffet? WE are bringing little E."

*My brain explodes...no girls lunch...the hubby and kid are coming...sad.* Realize that means He L is coming too. Humph, fifth wheel. Fine whatever, I'll deal.

Text from E-"L wants Little Town Cafe, see you then!"

Saturday morning:

Text from E-"JJ (E's guy) invited G and A, M (since you are single, not said but implied) Can you get there early and get a table for seven?"

M to E-"This place only has tables for 4 and a long wait on weekends as it is. Pick new place."

E to M-"IPOP ok? Can you let L know, I have to workout now."
M to E-"IPOP is fine. L won't be up till after 10 though, maybe you should call her."

M passes info to L not expecting a response.

L to M-"IPOP is too unhealthy. E changed the plans so she and JJ can figure it out, I'm going back to bed."

M passes info to E. "You ladies let me know."

End scene.

Remember when going to lunch was just you and your girls going to lunch? Somehow it turned into breakfast at noon for seven with no set location...

Score!

I've been meaning to blog for a while now. I have lots of topics lined up; books I've read, my reaction to The Fighter, dealing with the single life, etc.. I just haven't quite been able to plop myself in front of my home laptop in the evenings because I'm in front of a computer all day and it just get so...it's just too much.

I've also been on an emotional roller coaster with all the feeling lonely stuff and resisting the urge to bare my soul. I can't do that here...not like I have in the past at least. I think we all share a bit too much in this day and age. Moving on...

So Valentine's Day. Yeah, that. Today's topic winner. I am sooo glad the commercials and store displays are done. Gone. Bye Bye. As much as I enjoy my freedom and independence there is no better holiday to make someone feel more alone. It's so stupid. It stresses couples out because the guys have to be romantic and the chicks have to put on a show later and really why must we assign at day to that? Eew. Even when I was in an "Us" it was awkward.

Anyway, mine actually (when I got over the moodiness, grumpiness, I hate this it's making me feel worse-ness) was totally awesome. Really. Let me list the reasons why. Yes, yes, another list.

1. It gave me an excuse to have an Anti Valentine's Day party. Throw my first little shindig at my apartment. I got to let out all the hurt and anger at White Trash with a Sharpie, a baseball bat, and a big pink heart pinata. I got to hang out with my girls and listen to songs about how chicks rule and love is dumb and dance and drink and eat garlicky foods.
2. I didn't have to worry about lingerie or anything attached to that. (this alone makes it worth it)
3. I ended up with three bottles of wine, some VS panties, lip gloss, gift cards to the movies, a mini bundt cake, a free lunch, and an ipod shuffle (courtesy of my employer who I am eternally grateful for even if the celebration was way over the top). I don't' think I've ever come out of a Vday with that much loot. Yay me.

I mean really, Valentine's Day is awesome if you can take advantage of it's ridiculousness.

I am so ready for St. Patrick's Day. My 5K is that weekend...and I'm pretty sure we are just going to keep on running to the nearest bar to celebrate. I've never really celebrated it...which is weird since it's all about green (I look great in) little Irish people (that would be me), corned beef (salty meat! I mean come on) and potatoes, and drinking.

Here's to hoping I walk into an office full of green balloons and Irish Whiskey on March 17th.

Three

Week three, session three, three minutes.

I can jog for three minutes without stopping to walk. THREE

When that realization hit me this evening as I did my cool down walk it was the most overwhelming feeling I've had in a long time. The sun was almost set, I'm in a neighborhood where nobody knows me (except maybe as the lady with the wiener dog), and I just achieved something I never thought I would. I can run. (Run sounds better doesn't it?)

I have cerebral palsy. Most people don't know. Most people probably can't tell. I'm one of the lucky ones. I have one of the more rare types. I have mixed CP, meaning two forms. Luckily they are both pretty mild and I've learned to manage them. I have the spastic form (tight muscle group) that effects the muscles of my right calf. I can't lift my toes very high off the ground and if the muscles get really tight I can't plant my heel flat when standing. (Try to imagine your foot stuck in a one to two inch slightly spongy heel.) I also have the Ataxia form which effects balance and coordination. This one isn't so bad...but anyone that knows me and spent any length of time with me has probably seen me lose my balance for apparently no reason. I just look like a klutz pretty much.

When one leg doesn't quite work like the other AND you are a bit unsteady, doing coordinated rhythmic tasks as a child wasn't very fun. Everything just took so much longer for me to do. I've always hated running because I couldn't (still can't quite do it now) get my heel planted so I was all jerky looking...like when a runner pulls something and run limp run limps to the finish line. I always lied and said my leg hurt....and then avoided running whenever possible.

I'm doing this 5K with my mom and my sister mainly to prove to Mom that she didn't break me. I was born 10 weeks early and she blames herself. I want her to forgive herself. 32 years later and I still see the guilt in her eyes whenever something physical frustrates me.

When I got back to my apartment, I had to call her. I cried and she thought something bad had happened. "No Mom, I'm happy."
"You are happy because you are crying?" she asks.
"No mom, I'm crying because I'm happy."
"What's going on?"
"Mom, I can JOG for 3 MINUTES! and at the very end of the jog I went ahead and RAN just because I COULD. I'm okay Mom I'm not broken okay? I just had to put enough time into it."

No need to discuss week two. That's the past. That is completed. Week three is done. On to week four.

I can run.

It's 3 in the Morning...girl

"watcha gonna do? Do you wanna fight..." oh, oh sorry. I'm not used to being wide awake at 3 am on a Saturday with a hangover from a blue margarita. The moment I saw it was blue I knew I was in trouble but I chugged it down anyway. At least I didn't throw up the accompanying sushi.

The good news? If I ever want to get completely hammered and I only have $8, all I have to do is take a short walk to the sushi place nearby.Notice, I've only finished half at this point and we've eaten most of the sushi. Pic by little sis---->

Sadly, I'm not awake because I was up all night having fun. Dinner was early, 5:30p, the drink had me wasted by 6:30pm and I crawled in bed at 8pm when the room started spinning. Tully jumped on me to cuddle and I almost thought I was going to have a date with my toilet. So I guess it's ok I'm up at 3am...6-7 hours of sleep is acceptable...except I'm going dancing tonight...oops.

Normally when I wake up I force myself to stay in bed...but then I started thinking about all the crap that had me a little down before the blue margarita (Big thanks to my sis for having dinner with me! Love you.). Work, people hating on my successes, dumb guys. The funny thing is, I have a week's worth of stuff to blog about and now here I am suffering from insomnia, rambling on, listening to what iTunes Genius considers Trance music from my play list. "Get Down" from Paul Johnson is on right now...you know that song that just says the word "down" over and over? Yeah, apparently this is trance...

Poor Tully, he thinks it's morning. I'm going to have to get him to go back to sleep somehow and do the morning routine again in a few hours. "The Launch" DJ Jean, this is more like it....5,4,3,2,1 guess I'll try to go back to bed. Week 3 run to do at all...

Not so hard/The hardest part

Training for a 5K isn't so hard. Relationships are.

Couch to 5K week two training has begun and when session one was over I felt less challenged than the first week. It could be because I was on a treadmill. It could be the two minute rests between the 90 second runs. Maybe it was both. Maybe I'm in better shape than I thought. Regardless, I'm on the path to doing something new, something that I've always despised (running), and I am focused and prepared to do it.

Treadmills scare the crap out of me. It seems like the machine is in control and the person is not. I started out slow on both my walk and jog and by the end I was a full mph faster on each. I didn't fall or stumble. It felt great. I saw a very focused person in the mirror (weird who is THAT?). Fear challenged. Fear no more.

Relationships don't (or didn't) scare the crap out of me. Whether it be a working relationship, a friendship, or a love relationship, I've never really been scared of them. Nervous, tentative, insecure, yes. Never afraid. I can't exactly say that now.

They are unpredictable because people are. We are all on an individual journey and then we meet that one person we want to share our journey with and the next thing you know you are on a completely different highway going somewhere you've never even thought of. Love relationships tend to do this to people. Love is intoxicating and can be all consuming.

With everything I've learned in the last year (yes, it's almost been a whole year) it just hit me yesterday (after dinner with Guy Who Was My Whole Life) that the hardest part of a relationship is staying that person you were when your paths crossed. THAT person is who they fall in love with. THAT person is who they want to spend time with. Why in the world do people instantly start making changes in order to make sure the relationship will work?

I did it. His interests became mine. His desires became mine (even if they really weren't). I couldn't even decide what to eat without knowing what he was in the mood for. He changed too but only he can really figure out why.

I had this realization while we were having dinner recently. Not only am I physically back where I was at 19, I'm also ME again. Bubbly, energetic, happy, focused. He seems to be finding the old him too. The new old versions of us sat there and laughed and had a good evening. It reminded me why we fell in love in the first place.

Anyway, relationships are hard. If I can pass one piece of advice to anyone reading this it's this; Don't let the relationship be the treadmill. Whatever you do, control your path and pace. Don't stop being YOU. If the relationship can't work unless you change, then it probably isn't the right one.

Training for a 5K isn't that hard. So right now, I'm going to do that.

Internet, Kissing, Accounting, Running

So I was going to be all "with it" and actually take my laptop out to my living room and put it on my LAP but then I accidentally jiggled the cords connected to my modem and the lights went out and my Internet was GONE.

So I spent the last 3 minutes not touching anything willing all the green lights to come back to me. They did. I will survive this Friday night...because you are all my date for tonight.

My stuff is old. My laptop is a Dell from 2003. I've done everything I can to juice it up and it works OK... it's just not going to be able to keep up with technology much longer. Darn thing even has a USB powered external fan on the bottom because it tends to overheat. Hence, I avoid the lap part of laptop. I figured since it's almost freezing outside (and inside) it could handle a trip to my living room. Nope. Almost lost my Internet. My stomach is still recovering from the jolt of stress hormones.

This week was strange. In some ways it was so great. In others, it was really tough. Work was a beast this week and I am drained in a way I haven't been in a while. I need to take an accounting class. I need to come up with a plan on how to do that. Work would have been much easier if I didn't feel like I was listening to a foreign language all week. My brain literally ached like an out of shape muscle.

I did however find out that I earned a higher bonus that expected helping out another team in my department. Yay!

My evening loneliness attacks have resurfaced and for half the week I felt like a crazy person that had to have someone to talk to or I would fall apart. I have resisted the urge to post on FB "Someone come over and hang out with me." almost every day this week. Just because someone is your Facebook friend doesn't necessarily mean you want them to know where your apartment is. My brain was all scrambled there and my sis straightened me out. Loneliness can do that. Thank goodness for her. Some things still linger but, I'm cool. (sort of, not really)

I have done two of my three Week One Couch to 5K training sessions. Session two I had to do over my lunch hour at work. It was weird running midday in a new place where my path took me around the office building I work in. "Please don't let me face plant by the building!" I didn't. The run was tougher. My legs wanted to cramp. I think it's because it was not my usual time of day. Maybe I wasn't hydrated right...maybe I hadn't eaten enough before hand. I don't know. I did it and that's what matters.

Session 3 is going to have to wait until tomorrow. I'm fine with that...I like my run around here and I can do it in the morning like I am used to.


Dating

Yeah haven't done that yet but I'm considering it now (see loneliness). I'm taking a guy friend to my company holiday party next week so that should be fun.

We were chatting earlier in the week and he's basically scared me away from well, kissing.

Did you know if you kiss a guy on the dance floor and go home with him you are a slut but if you don't you are a tease? I mean really...what kind of rule is that? That's lose lose. Whatever happened to kissing someone because there is chemistry and then the guy gets your number and asks you out on a date? Oh but then a bunch of guys expect sex after even the first date now. Ummmm...I mean...I have no words. I have sooo much to learn. I've never really been in the game and when I was...the guys were still boys. So much scarier now eew.

I'm not sure how accurate any of this is...it's one guy's opinion. We are good friends and I did feel like he was warning me....which I appreciate. Disappointing though if it really is true. Anticipation and mystery can be so intoxicating.

Oh and...

Read a bit...Stephen King's new one, Full Dark, No Stars. So far, definitely dark. I'll let you know when I finish what I thought.

Happy Friday.

The Time in Between the Moments

Like the new look? I like black. It's clean, it's simple, you can wear it whenever. Apparently, you can't wear all black or you get called goth or a ninja or people ask who died, but whatever. Eh, new year new blog. I just wasn't feeling the trees (I still love you trees!).

Anyway...

You know those times...the times in between the moments of your life? I guess you'd have to know what I mean by moments first. You know, the times that pop, good or bad. When something is HAPPENING. For example, going out and drinking too much but having a blast or finding out something great happened at work or, learning something new about yourself. Those moments that make an impression, that push you to grow and to change. So the other times...in between the moments....

I'm not liking those times right now. I go from well, take today for example. I went from feeling amazing because I did my first training for the 5K in March to sitting on my couch wondering what I should be doing, please please someone text me or DM me or IM me or something. My ears are perfectly tuned to hear that chirp of "Hey someone is thinking about you right now and wants your attention YAY!!" I want that distraction, I need the distraction. Mostly I need the acknowledgement. Why? Why do I need it? These are THE TIMES.

Self assured, confident, know themselves people don't, do they? Do you? The only thing I can figure is my brain, my being, is still adjusting to not having that constant someone. 10 months vs. 11 years...yeah, probably still adjusting. Here's the kicker...I just gave my mom this big speech yesterday how I'm realizing people are flawed and marriage is old fashioned but a nice idea. You know, maybe we should all just stop expecting so much from relationships...at least for so long. I believe this now, I do. Yet, I still want someone...it's very confusing. Like, a someone that's there most of the time but not all of the time that my whole life does not revolve around. I don't even know if this makes sense.

Why do we need the marriage, why? Something happens to your brain people. I try to explain this to those around me who want it. They ask, why does it change? What happens? I don't know it just does. It's gotta be some chemical biological something or other. I loved that feeling, I did. Of course I would love it again but when you lose that it's....like losing a limb or something. So why do that to myself again? I could have all the good stuff without whatever jacked up thing happens to your brain with the whole wedding and marriage thing.

Don't give me that "You'll find love again blah blah..."1 in 2 marriages. One in two. Would you eat something if you had a 50/50 chance of puking your guts out for a week? I think not. Love, I could find that again for sure...I'm not talking about that. FYI-getting divorced is hard. So just like food it's easy to eat but really painful to get rid of if things go south (or north in this case).

Mom's response to all this: I mean really all you need is a sperm donor and then date who you want so you can have a baby AND like the guy you are with.

Ha! Can you tell she wants grand kids?

So I sit there in these moments thinking about what I should do with my life and when will I feel like I know what I want to do etc etc driving myself nuts. Making myself sad. Why? Ugh.

Can someone please text me right now? It's been over an hour people. Oh and then...I beat myself up for initiating some conversation. "Oh, you are being needy or annoying, stop."

I am ridiculous.

I blame the holiday TV break. Not enough mindless pop culture to keep me occupied. Books don't always help, since you are using your brain, you know. I need my shows! I need a cuddle. I need to get a grip ha!

Any tips would be appreciated. How do I deal with the times in between? You are highly encouraged to text, email, IM, DM, or Facebook Chat me. Or call. That works too.

Couch to 5K
I started training for a 5K today! Today was week 1 with the Couch to 5 K podcast and I'm supposed to do this session 3 times. It wasn't too hard! I had to do a 5 min walk warm up/cool down with seven 60 second runs followed by 90 second rests. If I was old out of shape eew me, it probably would have sucked. I felt amazing! Me, little non athletic, cerebral palsied, hates to run Me felt amazing. I even let out a "Woo!" when the last twenty seconds of the final run came because I knew I could do more. I survived the stupid porcupine balls, squirrels, cyclists, yard tools across the sidewalk, puddles, toddlers on trikes...I never fell on my face woo! Every time I passed a person I wanted to say "Haaaaay look at me, I'm training for a RACE." Yeah, that's right I'm one of those people now, those people I used to despise and think were nuts. Ha so fun. So weird. Me, that is.

Missing from My Last Post

• I mean really, I forgot to list First Gay Bar. How could I forget...oh wait because I don't remember the whole night. So fun.
• Also I need to get to know Cali better. I've lived here my whole life and there are so many places I still have not seen and things I haven't done. So that's on the 2011 list.

2010: A Year of Firsts

Happy New Year! Can I just say I am GLAD 2010 is over? It was really rough. I'm not saying it didn't have it's moments (boy did it have it's moments) but in general I'm just glad I get a symbolic fresh start.

Before I talk about what lies ahead, I need to take a minute and remember what this last year has been. 2010 was me growing up. 2010 was me finding me again. I kinda like me. I need some work still...but there's an awesome chick in there....I can feel her.

Believe it or not, at 31, I had my very first apartment. There is something liberating about realizing you can take care of everything on your own. That I can PAY for everything on my own. I remember thinking, "What am I going to do if I can't open a jar?" I grab the little rubber gripper I got in my gift pack from the leasing office when I moved in. I have been able to open everything so far, go figure. I fixed the vacuum by myself...because I had to. I kid you not I skipped around my living room when I got that new belt on all by myself. I did. With a big grin on my face too. My apartment is mine, my sanctuary...simple as it is...it's mine.

There were quite a few months in the middle of the year where I didn't do much. I was kind of in a daze. I was surviving in my little cocoon of routine and solitude (are those words? ha). Then I snapped out of it...thanks to a mix of my own anger, love and patience from family, and a big kick of persistence from friends (You know who you are. THANK YOU)

A lot of firsts have happened in the last few months. From something as superficial as actually feeling good in a bikini to something as life altering as deciding to stop waiting for him and move on with my life. Oh...yeah, that's a big first for me. I haven't had many relationships...4 actually (and that's being generous) and I've always been the one being dumped. Well, this time I did the dumping. It's not any easier than getting dumped and you feel like crap everyday about it.

Let's see...I gave a guy my number for the first time in 12 years. Scary but great for my ego at that moment. First concert in San Francisco. First Halloween costume party. First time doing tequila shots. Silly but hey it's a first right? First Elf Party in the city. First time in my life I can do 10 real push ups in a row. Planned and executed my first company event at work (hated it and glad I'm not doing anymore lol). Oh gosh! First Happy Hours! First time getting drunk at lunch (oh dear, these are just getting worse haha!) while on the clock. God, reading this list it really does seem like I skipped being a teenager. (I sucked at being a teenager) Um, yeah I got asked out by a married man, eew. First. Hopefully the last. First tattoo. I did it. I LOVE it. Didn't hurt that bad and I think it's kinda sexy. First time being in a restaurant when the power went out. First time going to a movie by myself. Not awesome but not horrible. First time going jogging with my sister. First time in my life I purposely go jog. First burger at the Counter. First visit to a used bookstore ( I know I know! for a book nerd this is really sad). First pair of red pumps.

I'm sure there are others...and I know there will be more.

I've already signed up for a 5K in March. I am going to Vegas. I don't know when or how but I am going there while I still look young enough to get a free drink. I am only moving forward. I am going to read more. I want to cut my debt in half, be more assertive at work and...gasp! date?! (a girl's got needs you know...it's been WAY too long)(and yeah this girl is way more vocal about that on here than she is in real life). Take more risks...like do something totally out of character (except karaoke, never ever!). That sounds fun. Anyway, yeah, good start. Since I'm hungry and it will be a first I'm going to go have pizza for dinner even though I also had it for lunch. ; p.

Goodbye 2010, hello 2011. To new beginnings, taking risks, and finding my light.

Fear

Fear. It's pretty much been the emotion/force/whatever whatever that has guided my entire life. As a child I was afraid to grow up. Then I grew up and I was afraid to do grown up things. Then I did grown up things and I was just afraid.

Will I be good enough?
Will people like me?
Will he love me forever?

Remember MySpace? Remember when MySpace with the IT girl of social networking? The big thing about Myspace was you could use code to add all this crazy stuff to your page. There were websites dedicated to building crap for your MySpace. One trend I dabbled in was the questionnaire. It was usually some list of totally random questions like "Vanilla or Chocolate?" "Do you want kids?" "Favorite pizza?". There was one question almost ALL of them had. "What is your biggest fear?"

I always answered: Losing my mom or husband

Well, for all intents and purposes I have lost my husband. (He is fighting skin and nail to hang on now of course but that's not the topic of this blog) I lost my husband and I'm okay. I wasn't always okay. In fact I've been a mess for a long time. Now I am okay. Really okay. Good even...and GREAT is not too far away.

So basically, I've faced my biggest fear and survived (Let's just ignore the Mom part okay? Let's not go there...that's a whole other ballgame). Now I'm working on thriving, on living and building the life I want. I won't lie...some days are hard. Some days I feel afraid and insecure. Some days I feel like if someone isn't constantly acknowledging my presence or telling me I'm awesome, they probably don't think I'm awesome anymore. Insecure. That's me.

Fear. It will always be apart of me. So much so that I may even tattoo a portion of my favorite quote to myself. Another fear, tattoos and their permanence. It's how I handle it from now on that will define the rest of my life.

Our Deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. (Marianne Williamson)

October 24, 2010

Looks like today is the first day of the rest of my life...

Let's move on now shall we?

Let's forget about that last post shall we? Though even the sad times warrant just as much attention they aren't much fun are they? Look at the bright side...reading that had to make you feel like your life was freakin awesome!

There will probably be no rhyme or reason to this post so just go with it...that's kind of what my life is like right now anyway. Go with the flow as they say. Which is so NOT me. I like lists and order and to know who, what, where, when and why. Preparation. I like preparation. Life is kind of giving me the middle finger in regards to that now isn't it?

Good grades, check.
College, check.
Degree, check.
High paying job, ummmm uh huh.
Husband, check.
House (see high paying job...um ok whatever I don't need a house until I'm 40)
Kids, crap where did husband go?! uncheck

See a list. I make lists. My current one kind of looks like this:

Figure out husband situation-pending
Take care of self, CHECK
Pay off debt, working on it
Have fun and say yes (as long as it doesn't contradict Take care of self) a lot more

That's it. Everything else is up in the air for now.

Having fun:
My little sister is 30! Her party was almost a total success. It would have been nice if my step dad's truck hadn't broken down in the party store parking lot 45 min before the party and we could have decorated BEFORE the guests arrived...but what can you do? We got there eventually, we danced A LOT (heaven heaven heaven for me), I saw old friends, there were tears and hugs and laughter. I got hit on by a guy who was almost the antithesis of what I find appealing but whatever. I got a few eye popping reactions from people over my little black dress/shirt/dress which was cool but surprising. Like, hello? Do I normally look like garbage or do my lil sis' friends think I'm incapable of hotness? People wonder why I always compare myself to her...jeez. Well, I fooled you huh? Oh FYI...the hottie on the right, that's our MOM. I am so not afraid to get older.

Speaking of hotness, I got called a narcissist. Nice right?
Narcissism:–noun
1.
inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2.
Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.

Oh yeah, that's me in a nutshell (rolling eyes). Yes, I have a healthy level of vanity. Mom raised me that way. Without it, well, I just think you would have no motivation to take care of yourself and look presentable. I'm not talking red carpet wear every day. I'm talking clothes that fit well and clean hair and brushed teeth when you go out in public.

Funny thing is, I got called a narcissist when I said sunglasses are good not only for eye protection but to prevent wrinkles caused by squinting. I was giving advice to someone else that was having a discussion with me. "Worrying about all those things must be such a burden." Um, no...I don't find trying to be healthy a burden. They are called good habits. OK, so I can lay off the little health tips. Fine. It's about health though, not vanity. I've since decided narcissist name caller doesn't really know what narcissist means. Besides if the only person I truly loved was me wouldn't I not give a crap about a certain someone moving on? Exactly.

I did fret over this a few days though. Am I self absorbed? Do I talk about myself too much? My dad is. Did I inherit that? Then again what in the hell am I supposed to talk about? I live alone with my dog for goodness sakes! This is my ME time everyone has been harping on me to cherish.

Blurring the lines between work/personal life:

I have taken a huge step (for me) in the last couple months. I'm letting my guard down at work a bit. It's scary. I mean, I could lose my job next week and then bye bye new friends right? I have to do this though...I see these people all the time. We have shared goals and projects. I'm not a robot...I can't not let them in a little bit right? So, I'm saying yes (see list above) and have discovered a wonderful thing...HAPPY HOUR.

I really had no idea how awesome this time of day could be. Normally I'd be walking my dog and working out and paying bills, etc etc. Now I drink and eat. LOL....OK OK not that extreme, once or twice a week for a couple hours. That's all. I love it though! $2 margaritas? Love. $4 appetizers? Love. Griping about daily annoyances while drinking and eating? Love.

Babysitting your coworkers kid for 5 hours...um, yeah...not as fun as happy hour. Whoever that Fred guy on Nickelodeon is scares the crap out of me.

One little downer this week...kinda miss that truly crazy utter happiness that comes from your soul kind of feeling. You know that happiness that just bursts out with an uncontrollable smile or makes your heart feel huge? Miss it...but there is this...

Remember the little phenomenon called "Free Hugs"? I even bought a shirt from this guy and wore it all the time (probably wouldn't do that now since my only body guard is a 25lb one foot tall dog). "No, not you dude...only females/hot guys/non creepy guys get free hugs." Love this video.




I've rediscovered how wonderful hugs are. They help a lot. Go on and hug somebody.

Later. : )