The Time in Between the Moments

Like the new look? I like black. It's clean, it's simple, you can wear it whenever. Apparently, you can't wear all black or you get called goth or a ninja or people ask who died, but whatever. Eh, new year new blog. I just wasn't feeling the trees (I still love you trees!).

Anyway...

You know those times...the times in between the moments of your life? I guess you'd have to know what I mean by moments first. You know, the times that pop, good or bad. When something is HAPPENING. For example, going out and drinking too much but having a blast or finding out something great happened at work or, learning something new about yourself. Those moments that make an impression, that push you to grow and to change. So the other times...in between the moments....

I'm not liking those times right now. I go from well, take today for example. I went from feeling amazing because I did my first training for the 5K in March to sitting on my couch wondering what I should be doing, please please someone text me or DM me or IM me or something. My ears are perfectly tuned to hear that chirp of "Hey someone is thinking about you right now and wants your attention YAY!!" I want that distraction, I need the distraction. Mostly I need the acknowledgement. Why? Why do I need it? These are THE TIMES.

Self assured, confident, know themselves people don't, do they? Do you? The only thing I can figure is my brain, my being, is still adjusting to not having that constant someone. 10 months vs. 11 years...yeah, probably still adjusting. Here's the kicker...I just gave my mom this big speech yesterday how I'm realizing people are flawed and marriage is old fashioned but a nice idea. You know, maybe we should all just stop expecting so much from relationships...at least for so long. I believe this now, I do. Yet, I still want someone...it's very confusing. Like, a someone that's there most of the time but not all of the time that my whole life does not revolve around. I don't even know if this makes sense.

Why do we need the marriage, why? Something happens to your brain people. I try to explain this to those around me who want it. They ask, why does it change? What happens? I don't know it just does. It's gotta be some chemical biological something or other. I loved that feeling, I did. Of course I would love it again but when you lose that it's....like losing a limb or something. So why do that to myself again? I could have all the good stuff without whatever jacked up thing happens to your brain with the whole wedding and marriage thing.

Don't give me that "You'll find love again blah blah..."1 in 2 marriages. One in two. Would you eat something if you had a 50/50 chance of puking your guts out for a week? I think not. Love, I could find that again for sure...I'm not talking about that. FYI-getting divorced is hard. So just like food it's easy to eat but really painful to get rid of if things go south (or north in this case).

Mom's response to all this: I mean really all you need is a sperm donor and then date who you want so you can have a baby AND like the guy you are with.

Ha! Can you tell she wants grand kids?

So I sit there in these moments thinking about what I should do with my life and when will I feel like I know what I want to do etc etc driving myself nuts. Making myself sad. Why? Ugh.

Can someone please text me right now? It's been over an hour people. Oh and then...I beat myself up for initiating some conversation. "Oh, you are being needy or annoying, stop."

I am ridiculous.

I blame the holiday TV break. Not enough mindless pop culture to keep me occupied. Books don't always help, since you are using your brain, you know. I need my shows! I need a cuddle. I need to get a grip ha!

Any tips would be appreciated. How do I deal with the times in between? You are highly encouraged to text, email, IM, DM, or Facebook Chat me. Or call. That works too.

Couch to 5K
I started training for a 5K today! Today was week 1 with the Couch to 5 K podcast and I'm supposed to do this session 3 times. It wasn't too hard! I had to do a 5 min walk warm up/cool down with seven 60 second runs followed by 90 second rests. If I was old out of shape eew me, it probably would have sucked. I felt amazing! Me, little non athletic, cerebral palsied, hates to run Me felt amazing. I even let out a "Woo!" when the last twenty seconds of the final run came because I knew I could do more. I survived the stupid porcupine balls, squirrels, cyclists, yard tools across the sidewalk, puddles, toddlers on trikes...I never fell on my face woo! Every time I passed a person I wanted to say "Haaaaay look at me, I'm training for a RACE." Yeah, that's right I'm one of those people now, those people I used to despise and think were nuts. Ha so fun. So weird. Me, that is.

Missing from My Last Post

• I mean really, I forgot to list First Gay Bar. How could I forget...oh wait because I don't remember the whole night. So fun.
• Also I need to get to know Cali better. I've lived here my whole life and there are so many places I still have not seen and things I haven't done. So that's on the 2011 list.