Fear

Fear. It's pretty much been the emotion/force/whatever whatever that has guided my entire life. As a child I was afraid to grow up. Then I grew up and I was afraid to do grown up things. Then I did grown up things and I was just afraid.

Will I be good enough?
Will people like me?
Will he love me forever?

Remember MySpace? Remember when MySpace with the IT girl of social networking? The big thing about Myspace was you could use code to add all this crazy stuff to your page. There were websites dedicated to building crap for your MySpace. One trend I dabbled in was the questionnaire. It was usually some list of totally random questions like "Vanilla or Chocolate?" "Do you want kids?" "Favorite pizza?". There was one question almost ALL of them had. "What is your biggest fear?"

I always answered: Losing my mom or husband

Well, for all intents and purposes I have lost my husband. (He is fighting skin and nail to hang on now of course but that's not the topic of this blog) I lost my husband and I'm okay. I wasn't always okay. In fact I've been a mess for a long time. Now I am okay. Really okay. Good even...and GREAT is not too far away.

So basically, I've faced my biggest fear and survived (Let's just ignore the Mom part okay? Let's not go there...that's a whole other ballgame). Now I'm working on thriving, on living and building the life I want. I won't lie...some days are hard. Some days I feel afraid and insecure. Some days I feel like if someone isn't constantly acknowledging my presence or telling me I'm awesome, they probably don't think I'm awesome anymore. Insecure. That's me.

Fear. It will always be apart of me. So much so that I may even tattoo a portion of my favorite quote to myself. Another fear, tattoos and their permanence. It's how I handle it from now on that will define the rest of my life.

Our Deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. (Marianne Williamson)