Training for a 5K isn't so hard. Relationships are.
Couch to 5K week two training has begun and when session one was over I felt less challenged than the first week. It could be because I was on a treadmill. It could be the two minute rests between the 90 second runs. Maybe it was both. Maybe I'm in better shape than I thought. Regardless, I'm on the path to doing something new, something that I've always despised (running), and I am focused and prepared to do it.
Treadmills scare the crap out of me. It seems like the machine is in control and the person is not. I started out slow on both my walk and jog and by the end I was a full mph faster on each. I didn't fall or stumble. It felt great. I saw a very focused person in the mirror (weird who is THAT?). Fear challenged. Fear no more.
Relationships don't (or didn't) scare the crap out of me. Whether it be a working relationship, a friendship, or a love relationship, I've never really been scared of them. Nervous, tentative, insecure, yes. Never afraid. I can't exactly say that now.
They are unpredictable because people are. We are all on an individual journey and then we meet that one person we want to share our journey with and the next thing you know you are on a completely different highway going somewhere you've never even thought of. Love relationships tend to do this to people. Love is intoxicating and can be all consuming.
With everything I've learned in the last year (yes, it's almost been a whole year) it just hit me yesterday (after dinner with Guy Who Was My Whole Life) that the hardest part of a relationship is staying that person you were when your paths crossed. THAT person is who they fall in love with. THAT person is who they want to spend time with. Why in the world do people instantly start making changes in order to make sure the relationship will work?
I did it. His interests became mine. His desires became mine (even if they really weren't). I couldn't even decide what to eat without knowing what he was in the mood for. He changed too but only he can really figure out why.
I had this realization while we were having dinner recently. Not only am I physically back where I was at 19, I'm also ME again. Bubbly, energetic, happy, focused. He seems to be finding the old him too. The new old versions of us sat there and laughed and had a good evening. It reminded me why we fell in love in the first place.
Anyway, relationships are hard. If I can pass one piece of advice to anyone reading this it's this; Don't let the relationship be the treadmill. Whatever you do, control your path and pace. Don't stop being YOU. If the relationship can't work unless you change, then it probably isn't the right one.
Training for a 5K isn't that hard. So right now, I'm going to do that.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Internet, Kissing, Accounting, Running
So I was going to be all "with it" and actually take my laptop out to my living room and put it on my LAP but then I accidentally jiggled the cords connected to my modem and the lights went out and my Internet was GONE.
So I spent the last 3 minutes not touching anything willing all the green lights to come back to me. They did. I will survive this Friday night...because you are all my date for tonight.
My stuff is old. My laptop is a Dell from 2003. I've done everything I can to juice it up and it works OK... it's just not going to be able to keep up with technology much longer. Darn thing even has a USB powered external fan on the bottom because it tends to overheat. Hence, I avoid the lap part of laptop. I figured since it's almost freezing outside (and inside) it could handle a trip to my living room. Nope. Almost lost my Internet. My stomach is still recovering from the jolt of stress hormones.
This week was strange. In some ways it was so great. In others, it was really tough. Work was a beast this week and I am drained in a way I haven't been in a while. I need to take an accounting class. I need to come up with a plan on how to do that. Work would have been much easier if I didn't feel like I was listening to a foreign language all week. My brain literally ached like an out of shape muscle.
I did however find out that I earned a higher bonus that expected helping out another team in my department. Yay!
My evening loneliness attacks have resurfaced and for half the week I felt like a crazy person that had to have someone to talk to or I would fall apart. I have resisted the urge to post on FB "Someone come over and hang out with me." almost every day this week. Just because someone is your Facebook friend doesn't necessarily mean you want them to know where your apartment is. My brain was all scrambled there and my sis straightened me out. Loneliness can do that. Thank goodness for her. Some things still linger but, I'm cool. (sort of, not really)
I have done two of my three Week One Couch to 5K training sessions. Session two I had to do over my lunch hour at work. It was weird running midday in a new place where my path took me around the office building I work in. "Please don't let me face plant by the building!" I didn't. The run was tougher. My legs wanted to cramp. I think it's because it was not my usual time of day. Maybe I wasn't hydrated right...maybe I hadn't eaten enough before hand. I don't know. I did it and that's what matters.
Session 3 is going to have to wait until tomorrow. I'm fine with that...I like my run around here and I can do it in the morning like I am used to.
Dating
Yeah haven't done that yet but I'm considering it now (see loneliness). I'm taking a guy friend to my company holiday party next week so that should be fun.
We were chatting earlier in the week and he's basically scared me away from well, kissing.
Did you know if you kiss a guy on the dance floor and go home with him you are a slut but if you don't you are a tease? I mean really...what kind of rule is that? That's lose lose. Whatever happened to kissing someone because there is chemistry and then the guy gets your number and asks you out on a date? Oh but then a bunch of guys expect sex after even the first date now. Ummmm...I mean...I have no words. I have sooo much to learn. I've never really been in the game and when I was...the guys were still boys. So much scarier now eew.
I'm not sure how accurate any of this is...it's one guy's opinion. We are good friends and I did feel like he was warning me....which I appreciate. Disappointing though if it really is true. Anticipation and mystery can be so intoxicating.
Oh and...
Read a bit...Stephen King's new one, Full Dark, No Stars. So far, definitely dark. I'll let you know when I finish what I thought.
Happy Friday.
So I spent the last 3 minutes not touching anything willing all the green lights to come back to me. They did. I will survive this Friday night...because you are all my date for tonight.
My stuff is old. My laptop is a Dell from 2003. I've done everything I can to juice it up and it works OK... it's just not going to be able to keep up with technology much longer. Darn thing even has a USB powered external fan on the bottom because it tends to overheat. Hence, I avoid the lap part of laptop. I figured since it's almost freezing outside (and inside) it could handle a trip to my living room. Nope. Almost lost my Internet. My stomach is still recovering from the jolt of stress hormones.
This week was strange. In some ways it was so great. In others, it was really tough. Work was a beast this week and I am drained in a way I haven't been in a while. I need to take an accounting class. I need to come up with a plan on how to do that. Work would have been much easier if I didn't feel like I was listening to a foreign language all week. My brain literally ached like an out of shape muscle.
I did however find out that I earned a higher bonus that expected helping out another team in my department. Yay!
My evening loneliness attacks have resurfaced and for half the week I felt like a crazy person that had to have someone to talk to or I would fall apart. I have resisted the urge to post on FB "Someone come over and hang out with me." almost every day this week. Just because someone is your Facebook friend doesn't necessarily mean you want them to know where your apartment is. My brain was all scrambled there and my sis straightened me out. Loneliness can do that. Thank goodness for her. Some things still linger but, I'm cool. (sort of, not really)
I have done two of my three Week One Couch to 5K training sessions. Session two I had to do over my lunch hour at work. It was weird running midday in a new place where my path took me around the office building I work in. "Please don't let me face plant by the building!" I didn't. The run was tougher. My legs wanted to cramp. I think it's because it was not my usual time of day. Maybe I wasn't hydrated right...maybe I hadn't eaten enough before hand. I don't know. I did it and that's what matters.
Session 3 is going to have to wait until tomorrow. I'm fine with that...I like my run around here and I can do it in the morning like I am used to.
Dating
Yeah haven't done that yet but I'm considering it now (see loneliness). I'm taking a guy friend to my company holiday party next week so that should be fun.
We were chatting earlier in the week and he's basically scared me away from well, kissing.
Did you know if you kiss a guy on the dance floor and go home with him you are a slut but if you don't you are a tease? I mean really...what kind of rule is that? That's lose lose. Whatever happened to kissing someone because there is chemistry and then the guy gets your number and asks you out on a date? Oh but then a bunch of guys expect sex after even the first date now. Ummmm...I mean...I have no words. I have sooo much to learn. I've never really been in the game and when I was...the guys were still boys. So much scarier now eew.
I'm not sure how accurate any of this is...it's one guy's opinion. We are good friends and I did feel like he was warning me....which I appreciate. Disappointing though if it really is true. Anticipation and mystery can be so intoxicating.
Oh and...
Read a bit...Stephen King's new one, Full Dark, No Stars. So far, definitely dark. I'll let you know when I finish what I thought.
Happy Friday.
Monday, January 3, 2011
The Time in Between the Moments
Like the new look? I like black. It's clean, it's simple, you can wear it whenever. Apparently, you can't wear all black or you get called goth or a ninja or people ask who died, but whatever. Eh, new year new blog. I just wasn't feeling the trees (I still love you trees!).
Anyway...
You know those times...the times in between the moments of your life? I guess you'd have to know what I mean by moments first. You know, the times that pop, good or bad. When something is HAPPENING. For example, going out and drinking too much but having a blast or finding out something great happened at work or, learning something new about yourself. Those moments that make an impression, that push you to grow and to change. So the other times...in between the moments....
I'm not liking those times right now. I go from well, take today for example. I went from feeling amazing because I did my first training for the 5K in March to sitting on my couch wondering what I should be doing, please please someone text me or DM me or IM me or something. My ears are perfectly tuned to hear that chirp of "Hey someone is thinking about you right now and wants your attention YAY!!" I want that distraction, I need the distraction. Mostly I need the acknowledgement. Why? Why do I need it? These are THE TIMES.
Self assured, confident, know themselves people don't, do they? Do you? The only thing I can figure is my brain, my being, is still adjusting to not having that constant someone. 10 months vs. 11 years...yeah, probably still adjusting. Here's the kicker...I just gave my mom this big speech yesterday how I'm realizing people are flawed and marriage is old fashioned but a nice idea. You know, maybe we should all just stop expecting so much from relationships...at least for so long. I believe this now, I do. Yet, I still want someone...it's very confusing. Like, a someone that's there most of the time but not all of the time that my whole life does not revolve around. I don't even know if this makes sense.
Why do we need the marriage, why? Something happens to your brain people. I try to explain this to those around me who want it. They ask, why does it change? What happens? I don't know it just does. It's gotta be some chemical biological something or other. I loved that feeling, I did. Of course I would love it again but when you lose that it's....like losing a limb or something. So why do that to myself again? I could have all the good stuff without whatever jacked up thing happens to your brain with the whole wedding and marriage thing.
Don't give me that "You'll find love again blah blah..."1 in 2 marriages. One in two. Would you eat something if you had a 50/50 chance of puking your guts out for a week? I think not. Love, I could find that again for sure...I'm not talking about that. FYI-getting divorced is hard. So just like food it's easy to eat but really painful to get rid of if things go south (or north in this case).
Mom's response to all this: I mean really all you need is a sperm donor and then date who you want so you can have a baby AND like the guy you are with.
Ha! Can you tell she wants grand kids?
So I sit there in these moments thinking about what I should do with my life and when will I feel like I know what I want to do etc etc driving myself nuts. Making myself sad. Why? Ugh.
Can someone please text me right now? It's been over an hour people. Oh and then...I beat myself up for initiating some conversation. "Oh, you are being needy or annoying, stop."
I am ridiculous.
I blame the holiday TV break. Not enough mindless pop culture to keep me occupied. Books don't always help, since you are using your brain, you know. I need my shows! I need a cuddle. I need to get a grip ha!
Any tips would be appreciated. How do I deal with the times in between? You are highly encouraged to text, email, IM, DM, or Facebook Chat me. Or call. That works too.
Couch to 5K
I started training for a 5K today! Today was week 1 with the Couch to 5 K podcast and I'm supposed to do this session 3 times. It wasn't too hard! I had to do a 5 min walk warm up/cool down with seven 60 second runs followed by 90 second rests. If I was old out of shape eew me, it probably would have sucked. I felt amazing! Me, little non athletic, cerebral palsied, hates to run Me felt amazing. I even let out a "Woo!" when the last twenty seconds of the final run came because I knew I could do more. I survived the stupid porcupine balls, squirrels, cyclists, yard tools across the sidewalk, puddles, toddlers on trikes...I never fell on my face woo! Every time I passed a person I wanted to say "Haaaaay look at me, I'm training for a RACE." Yeah, that's right I'm one of those people now, those people I used to despise and think were nuts. Ha so fun. So weird. Me, that is.
Missing from My Last Post
Anyway...
You know those times...the times in between the moments of your life? I guess you'd have to know what I mean by moments first. You know, the times that pop, good or bad. When something is HAPPENING. For example, going out and drinking too much but having a blast or finding out something great happened at work or, learning something new about yourself. Those moments that make an impression, that push you to grow and to change. So the other times...in between the moments....
I'm not liking those times right now. I go from well, take today for example. I went from feeling amazing because I did my first training for the 5K in March to sitting on my couch wondering what I should be doing, please please someone text me or DM me or IM me or something. My ears are perfectly tuned to hear that chirp of "Hey someone is thinking about you right now and wants your attention YAY!!" I want that distraction, I need the distraction. Mostly I need the acknowledgement. Why? Why do I need it? These are THE TIMES.
Self assured, confident, know themselves people don't, do they? Do you? The only thing I can figure is my brain, my being, is still adjusting to not having that constant someone. 10 months vs. 11 years...yeah, probably still adjusting. Here's the kicker...I just gave my mom this big speech yesterday how I'm realizing people are flawed and marriage is old fashioned but a nice idea. You know, maybe we should all just stop expecting so much from relationships...at least for so long. I believe this now, I do. Yet, I still want someone...it's very confusing. Like, a someone that's there most of the time but not all of the time that my whole life does not revolve around. I don't even know if this makes sense.
Why do we need the marriage, why? Something happens to your brain people. I try to explain this to those around me who want it. They ask, why does it change? What happens? I don't know it just does. It's gotta be some chemical biological something or other. I loved that feeling, I did. Of course I would love it again but when you lose that it's....like losing a limb or something. So why do that to myself again? I could have all the good stuff without whatever jacked up thing happens to your brain with the whole wedding and marriage thing.
Don't give me that "You'll find love again blah blah..."1 in 2 marriages. One in two. Would you eat something if you had a 50/50 chance of puking your guts out for a week? I think not. Love, I could find that again for sure...I'm not talking about that. FYI-getting divorced is hard. So just like food it's easy to eat but really painful to get rid of if things go south (or north in this case).
Mom's response to all this: I mean really all you need is a sperm donor and then date who you want so you can have a baby AND like the guy you are with.
Ha! Can you tell she wants grand kids?
So I sit there in these moments thinking about what I should do with my life and when will I feel like I know what I want to do etc etc driving myself nuts. Making myself sad. Why? Ugh.
Can someone please text me right now? It's been over an hour people. Oh and then...I beat myself up for initiating some conversation. "Oh, you are being needy or annoying, stop."
I am ridiculous.
I blame the holiday TV break. Not enough mindless pop culture to keep me occupied. Books don't always help, since you are using your brain, you know. I need my shows! I need a cuddle. I need to get a grip ha!
Any tips would be appreciated. How do I deal with the times in between? You are highly encouraged to text, email, IM, DM, or Facebook Chat me. Or call. That works too.
Couch to 5K
I started training for a 5K today! Today was week 1 with the Couch to 5 K podcast and I'm supposed to do this session 3 times. It wasn't too hard! I had to do a 5 min walk warm up/cool down with seven 60 second runs followed by 90 second rests. If I was old out of shape eew me, it probably would have sucked. I felt amazing! Me, little non athletic, cerebral palsied, hates to run Me felt amazing. I even let out a "Woo!" when the last twenty seconds of the final run came because I knew I could do more. I survived the stupid porcupine balls, squirrels, cyclists, yard tools across the sidewalk, puddles, toddlers on trikes...I never fell on my face woo! Every time I passed a person I wanted to say "Haaaaay look at me, I'm training for a RACE." Yeah, that's right I'm one of those people now, those people I used to despise and think were nuts. Ha so fun. So weird. Me, that is.
Missing from My Last Post
- I mean really, I forgot to list First Gay Bar. How could I forget...oh wait because I don't remember the whole night. So fun.
- Also I need to get to know Cali better. I've lived here my whole life and there are so many places I still have not seen and things I haven't done. So that's on the 2011 list.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2010: A Year of Firsts
Happy New Year! Can I just say I am GLAD 2010 is over? It was really rough. I'm not saying it didn't have it's moments (boy did it have it's moments) but in general I'm just glad I get a symbolic fresh start.
Before I talk about what lies ahead, I need to take a minute and remember what this last year has been. 2010 was me growing up. 2010 was me finding me again. I kinda like me. I need some work still...but there's an awesome chick in there....I can feel her.
Believe it or not, at 31, I had my very first apartment. There is something liberating about realizing you can take care of everything on your own. That I can PAY for everything on my own. I remember thinking, "What am I going to do if I can't open a jar?" I grab the
little rubber gripper I got in my gift pack from the leasing office when I moved in. I have been able to open everything so far, go figure. I fixed the vacuum by myself...because I had to. I kid you not I skipped around my living room when I got that new belt on all by myself. I did. With a big grin on my face too. My apartment is mine, my sanctuary...simple as it is...it's mine.
little rubber gripper I got in my gift pack from the leasing office when I moved in. I have been able to open everything so far, go figure. I fixed the vacuum by myself...because I had to. I kid you not I skipped around my living room when I got that new belt on all by myself. I did. With a big grin on my face too. My apartment is mine, my sanctuary...simple as it is...it's mine. There were quite a few months in the middle of the year where I didn't do much. I wa
s kind of in a daze. I was surviving in my little cocoon of routine and solitude (are those words? ha). Then I snapped out of it...thanks to a mix of my own anger, love and patience from family, and a big kick of persistence from friends (You know who you are. THANK YOU)
s kind of in a daze. I was surviving in my little cocoon of routine and solitude (are those words? ha). Then I snapped out of it...thanks to a mix of my own anger, love and patience from family, and a big kick of persistence from friends (You know who you are. THANK YOU)A lot of firsts have happened in the last few months. From something as superficial as actually feeling good in a bikini to something as life altering as deciding to stop waiting for him and move on with my life. Oh...yeah, that's a big first for me. I haven't had many relationships...4 actually (and that's being generous) and I've always been the one being dumped. Well, this time I did the dumping. It's not any easier than getting dumped and you feel like crap 
everyday about it.
everyday about it.Let's see...I gave a guy my number for the first time in 12 years. Scary but great for my ego at that moment. First concert in San Francisco. First Halloween costume party. First time doing tequila shots. Silly but hey it's a first right? First Elf Party in the city. First time in my life I can do 10 real push ups in a row. Planned and executed my first company event at work (hated it and glad I'm not doing anymore lol). Oh gosh! First Happy Hours! First time getting drunk at lunch (oh dear, these are just getting worse haha!) while on the clock. God, reading this list it really does seem like I skipped being a teenager. (I sucked at being a teenager) Um, yeah I got asked out by a married man, eew. First. Hopefully the last. First tattoo. I did it. I LOVE it. Didn't hurt that bad and I think it's kinda sexy. First time being in a restaurant when the power went out. First time going to a movie by myself. Not awesome but not horrible. First time going 
jogging with my sister. First time in my life I purposely go jog. First burger at the Counter. First visit to a used bookstore ( I know I know! for a book nerd this is really sad). First pair of red pumps.
jogging with my sister. First time in my life I purposely go jog. First burger at the Counter. First visit to a used bookstore ( I know I know! for a book nerd this is really sad). First pair of red pumps. I'm sure there are others...and I know there will be more.
I've already signed up for a 5K in March. I am going to Vegas. I don't know when or how but I am going there while I still look young enough to get a free drink. I am only moving forward. I am going to read more. I want to cut my debt in half, be more assertive at work and...gasp! date?! (a girl's got needs you know...it's been WAY too long)(and yeah 
this girl is way more vocal about that on here than she is in real life). Take more risks...like do something totally out of character (except karaoke, never ever!). That sounds fun. Anyway, yeah, good start. Since I'm hungry and it will be a first I'm going to go have pizza for dinner even though I also had it for lunch. ; p.
this girl is way more vocal about that on here than she is in real life). Take more risks...like do something totally out of character (except karaoke, never ever!). That sounds fun. Anyway, yeah, good start. Since I'm hungry and it will be a first I'm going to go have pizza for dinner even though I also had it for lunch. ; p.Goodbye 2010, hello 2011. To new beginnings, taking risks, and finding my light.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Fear
Fear. It's pretty much been the emotion/force/whatever whatever that has guided my entire life. As a child I was afraid to grow up. Then I grew up and I was afraid to do grown up things. Then I did grown up things and I was just afraid.
Will I be good enough?
Will people like me?
Will he love me forever?
Remember MySpace? Remember when MySpace with the IT girl of social networking? The big thing about Myspace was you could use code to add all this crazy stuff to your page. There were websites dedicated to building crap for your MySpace. One trend I dabbled in was the questionnaire. It was usually some list of totally random questions like "Vanilla or Chocolate?" "Do you want kids?" "Favorite pizza?". There was one question almost ALL of them had. "What is your biggest fear?"
I always answered: Losing my mom or husband
Well, for all intents and purposes I have lost my husband. (He is fighting skin and nail to hang on now of course but that's not the topic of this blog) I lost my husband and I'm okay. I wasn't always okay. In fact I've been a mess for a long time. Now I am okay. Really okay. Good even...and GREAT is not too far away.
So basically, I've faced my biggest fear and survived (Let's just ignore the Mom part okay? Let's not go there...that's a whole other ballgame). Now I'm working on thriving, on living and building the life I want. I won't lie...some days are hard. Some days I feel afraid and insecure. Some days I feel like if someone isn't constantly acknowledging my presence or telling me I'm awesome, they probably don't think I'm awesome anymore. Insecure. That's me.
Fear. It will always be apart of me. So much so that I may even tattoo a portion of my favorite quote to myself. Another fear, tattoos and their permanence. It's how I handle it from now on that will define the rest of my life.
Will I be good enough?
Will people like me?
Will he love me forever?
Remember MySpace? Remember when MySpace with the IT girl of social networking? The big thing about Myspace was you could use code to add all this crazy stuff to your page. There were websites dedicated to building crap for your MySpace. One trend I dabbled in was the questionnaire. It was usually some list of totally random questions like "Vanilla or Chocolate?" "Do you want kids?" "Favorite pizza?". There was one question almost ALL of them had. "What is your biggest fear?"
I always answered: Losing my mom or husband
Well, for all intents and purposes I have lost my husband. (He is fighting skin and nail to hang on now of course but that's not the topic of this blog) I lost my husband and I'm okay. I wasn't always okay. In fact I've been a mess for a long time. Now I am okay. Really okay. Good even...and GREAT is not too far away.
So basically, I've faced my biggest fear and survived (Let's just ignore the Mom part okay? Let's not go there...that's a whole other ballgame). Now I'm working on thriving, on living and building the life I want. I won't lie...some days are hard. Some days I feel afraid and insecure. Some days I feel like if someone isn't constantly acknowledging my presence or telling me I'm awesome, they probably don't think I'm awesome anymore. Insecure. That's me.
Fear. It will always be apart of me. So much so that I may even tattoo a portion of my favorite quote to myself. Another fear, tattoos and their permanence. It's how I handle it from now on that will define the rest of my life.
Our Deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. (Marianne Williamson)
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Let's move on now shall we?
Let's forget about that last post shall we? Though even the sad times warrant just as much attention they aren't much fun are they? Look at the bright side...reading that had to make you feel like your life was freakin awesome!
There will probably be no rhyme or reason to this post so just go with it...that's kind of what my life is like right now anyway. Go with the flow as they say. Which is so NOT me. I like lists and order and to know who, what, where, when and why. Preparation. I like preparation. Life is kind of giving me the middle finger in regards to that now isn't it?
Good grades, check.
College, check.
Degree, check.
High paying job, ummmm uh huh.
Husband, check.
House (see high paying job...um ok whatever I don't need a house until I'm 40)
Kids, crap where did husband go?! uncheck
See a list. I make lists. My current one kind of looks like this:
Figure out husband situation-pending
Take care of self, CHECK
Pay off debt, working on it
Have fun and say yes (as long as it doesn't contradict Take care of self) a lot more
That's it. Everything else is up in the air for now.
Having fun:
My little sister is 30! Her party was almost a total success. It would have been nice if my step dad's truck hadn't broken down in the party store parking lot 45 min before the party and we could have decorated BEFORE the guests arrived...but what can you do? We got there eventually, we danced A LOT (heaven heaven heaven for me), I saw old friends, there were tears and hugs and laughter. I got hit on by a guy who was almost the antithesis of what I find appealing but whatever. I got a few eye popping reactions from people over my little black dress/shirt/dress which was cool but surprising. Like, hello? Do I normally look like garbage or do my lil sis' friends think I'm incapable of hotness? People wonder why I always compare myself to her...jeez. Well, I fooled you huh? Oh FYI...the hottie on the right, that's our MOM. I am so not afraid to get older.
There will probably be no rhyme or reason to this post so just go with it...that's kind of what my life is like right now anyway. Go with the flow as they say. Which is so NOT me. I like lists and order and to know who, what, where, when and why. Preparation. I like preparation. Life is kind of giving me the middle finger in regards to that now isn't it?
Good grades, check.
College, check.
Degree, check.
High paying job, ummmm uh huh.
Husband, check.
House (see high paying job...um ok whatever I don't need a house until I'm 40)
Kids, crap where did husband go?! uncheck
See a list. I make lists. My current one kind of looks like this:
Figure out husband situation-pending
Take care of self, CHECK
Pay off debt, working on it
Have fun and say yes (as long as it doesn't contradict Take care of self) a lot more
That's it. Everything else is up in the air for now.
Having fun:
My little sister is 30! Her party was almost a total success. It would have been nice if my step dad's truck hadn't broken down in the party store parking lot 45 min before the party and we could have decorated BEFORE the guests arrived...but what can you do? We got there eventually, we danced A LOT (heaven heaven heaven for me), I saw old friends, there were tears and hugs and laughter. I got hit on by a guy who was almost the antithesis of what I find appealing but whatever. I got a few eye popping reactions from people over my little black dress/shirt/dress which was cool but surprising. Like, hello? Do I normally look like garbage or do my lil sis' friends think I'm incapable of hotness? People wonder why I always compare myself to her...jeez. Well, I fooled you huh? Oh FYI...the hottie on the right, that's our MOM. I am so not afraid to get older.
Speaking of hotness, I got called a narcissist. Nice right?
Narcissism:–noun
1.
inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2.
Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.
Oh yeah, that's me in a nutshell (rolling eyes).
Funny thing is, I got called a narcissist when I said sunglasses are good not only for eye protection but to prevent wrinkles caused by squinting. I was giving advice to someone else that was having a discussion with me. "Worrying about all those things must be such a burden." Um, no...I don't find trying to be healthy a burden. They are called good habits. OK, so I can lay off the little health tips. Fine. It's about health though, not vanity. I've since decided narcissist name caller doesn't really know what narcissist means. Besides if the only person I truly loved was me wouldn't I not give a crap about a certain someone moving on? Exactly.
I did fret over this a few days though. Am I self absorbed? Do I talk about myself too much? My dad is. Did I inherit that? Then again what in the hell am I supposed to talk about? I live alone with my dog for goodness sakes! This is my ME time everyone has been harping on me to cherish.
Blurring the lines between work/personal life:
I have taken a huge step (for me) in the last couple months. I'm letting my guard down at work a bit. It's scary. I mean, I could lose my job next week and then bye bye new friends right? I have to do this though...I see these people all the time. We have shared goals and projects. I'm not a robot...I can't not let them in a little bit right? So, I'm saying yes (see list above) and have discovered a wonderful thing...HAPPY HOUR.
I really had no idea how awesome this time of day could be. Normally I'd be walking my dog and working out and paying bills, etc etc. Now I drink and eat. LOL....OK OK not that extreme, once or twice a week for a couple hours. That's all. I love it though! $2 margaritas? Love. $4 appetizers? Love. Griping about daily annoyances while drinking and eating? Love.
Babysitting your coworkers kid for 5 hours...um, yeah...not as fun as happy hour. Whoever that Fred guy on Nickelodeon is scares the crap out of me.
One little downer this week...kinda miss that truly crazy utter happiness that comes from your soul kind of feeling. You know that happiness that just bursts out with an uncontrollable smile or makes your heart feel huge? Miss it...but there is this...
Remember the little phenomenon called "Free Hugs"? I even bought a shirt from this guy and wore it all the time (probably wouldn't do that now since my only body guard is a 25lb one foot tall dog). "No, not you dude...only females/hot guys/non creepy guys get free hugs." Love this video.
I've rediscovered how wonderful hugs are. They help a lot. Go on and hug somebody.
Later. : )
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