I don't quite fit...

Saturday night my sis came over, we got all dressed up, hopped in her red convertible to downtown Campbell, walked into a packed Aqui's anxious for a margarita and...proceeded to have a tear inducing confessional. Bummer.

Issues we've had all the way back to childhood came up. Things about our mom (who is our best friend) came up. Keeping secrets came up. My relationship stuff came up. Add a Sangria Swirl and I was sitting in Aqui's tears streaming down my face in my little black dress and I could not stop it. Stupid alcohol.

So I woke up this morning and unfortunately I can remember most of it. I am starting to realize that I don't quite fit anywhere in my life. I am not exactly who my mom thinks I am (I won't get into why...let's just say, to most it's not a big deal but for me it is), I apparently am not the person my little sis thought I was when she idolized me (she did?) as a kid. Obviously, I'm not the perfect wife. To top it all off, I had a mini meltdown at work this week followed by a conversation with my boss that went something like this; "Looking at it now, I'm not sure this new position plays to your strengths...but don't worry, your job is secure."

In Summary:

• Married but husbandless and not sure what's going to happen.
• Mom thinks I'm this saint and I'm not.
• Little sis thought I was super cool growing up and then got to know me (geek,shy,boring)
• New position at work "doesn't play to my strengths".

Cool huh? No. Not cool at all. I am self aware enough to realize that it is partly A) I am still figuring out who I am and B) I need to be okay with who I am before anyone else can be.

But it's so much easier to just do what makes everyone else comfortable right? Just do whatever Mr. wants and then you avoid fights. Don't tell mom or sis EVERYTHING about you to avoid family drama. Let sis take the lead all the time because she's more assertive anyway. Just work, work, work hard and do your job well and the bosses will love you. Right?

I wish. If it was that simple, I guess my life wouldn't be such a mess. Crap. Now what? I'm open to suggestions...

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)

Not your baby's Facebook

Is it just me or do people suddenly lose their identity when they have a kid? Is it just me or is it suuuper annoying that suddenly every Facebook status update is "Junior just did this...junior just said that...junior just went here."?

I am 31 years old. Facebook is for grown-ups (and teenagers I suppose). I really am not interested in toilet training, preschool, junior's first steps, that they squashed a bug, picked their nose, whatever. I've been there, done that...30 years ago. My friends did that too. I'm sure if toddlers had facebooks, seeing those kinds of status updates would be all the rage.

The other thing I can't stand. Your baby's headshot as your profile pic. I mean, seriously? I don't know who that is...all babies look the same...cute (mostly) but the same. It is YOUR Facebook page, not Junior's. Besides, how do you know some kidnapper isn't scanning profile pics shopping for their next victim. "Oh...Lisa in Illinois has a newborn! And they live in "your town here"."

Now before you get all sensitive and think I'm a baby hater, I'm not. If you are proud of your child's accomplishment, great. Post YOUR reaction and feelings to it.

Part of my feelings come from the fact that it seems like parents want to involve their kids in everything these days. Also, when they do come to a "grown up" place (like a restaurant) many people let their kids run around like it's a playground.

All I know is that when I was a kid, mom and dad went to "grown up" places and left my sis and I with Grandma. When we did go out with them, we were expected to be quiet and behave...so we did.

I will admit, there is a little jealousy/sadness behind this. I feel like I'm losing touch with my peers cuz I'm the single girl now...everyone else is getting married, having babies, buying houses. Still, it is YOUR Facebook page. Remember that. It's YOUR life too. Don't lose yourself okay? (and if you could make you kid stay in their seat when out in public, that would be nice too)

TGIF, TTFN

Ok, it's not ALL bad

Really, I apologize for how extremely sad my blogs are lately...it's just I'm extremely sad.

However...it's not ALL bad. So here are some good things that have happened since, well, you know.

1. I have my own place for the first time in my life. It's all mine people. Paid for with MY money. It's kinda awesome.
2. My dog is awesome. ---->
3. I have a couch for the first time in 3 years so I can you know, cuddle him -->
4. I have stopped the addictive Facebook games.
5. I walk at least 35 minutes a day.
6. There is an awesome (the sushi place to be, says my sis) sushi restaurant, MIZU, right across the street.
7. Two pools, two hot tubs, two saunas. I haven't tried them yet, but they are there!
8. Quality time with my bff's and family with zero drama.
9. I'm more self sufficient. I replaced the belt in my vacuum all by myself.
10. There is a lot less cheese and butter in my life, lol.
11. I got promoted and work and get compliments regularly.
12. I won $500 on the radio today. Good Karma. (bet white trash hasn't gotten any of THAT lately)
13. What will lucky 13 be? hmmm

See? Not so bad right? Right? Right.

Really?

I don't need to be told every day that I look tired, thank you very much.

You try sleeping alone every night for the first time in 11 years.

"Even with your makeup on today you look tired." Thanks. Can I strangle you now?

Dreamin with a broken heart...

Today was our first monthly dinner...(yes we've had lunch a few times but those don't count, they have a time limit). It went well. I kept wanting to grab his hand like I always did but wasn't sure if I should. He looks well.

He actually beat me to my apartment. I was walking Tully and heard a man walking fast behind me and I jumped a little inside and it was him. So we walked Tully together. Tully was so happy to see his dad. He stood up on his little legs and licked dad's face. While we were walking, Tully kept turning around and looking at him like he couldn't believe he was with us.

So we walked and we talked. It was a little awkward...this time together without a time limit. We just talked about work and what we've been up to and the dogs. I held his arm for a little bit but didn't know if I should so I stopped.

He came in my apartment for a few minutes when we dropped Tully off. I showed him how I finally put some of my nice things on display in the cabinet he bought me five years ago. I showed him how I hung some pictures. He said it was nice to see. Tully sat on his lap on the couch for a few minutes and then had to say goodbye to his daddy when we left for dinner.

We had some Mexican food...split an appetizer and a meal like always. Talked more about what we're up to. I told him how I don't miss the dirt from his job, how I don't spend much time on the computer at home now, how I clean every Saturday morning and how I always felt overwhelmed with all his stuff when we were together. I told him I don't want to feel like that in the future. He said he never watches tv and doesn't miss it, he plays his Evony game every night on the computer, his dog is fully crate trained, kids still annoy him.

I tried to get into more serious stuff but he's not there yet. He's still adjusting to me not being around and hasn't really thought about us and what's going to happen. He still has hope. I of course, JUST WANT TO KNOW NOW OK I AM SO DONE WITH LONLINESS AND WORRYING AND WONDERING...but that's me. I am trying to give myself a break and not rush the process but it's so hard!

I don't know if I'll ever truly trust him. I don't know if I can live like that the rest of my life. I don't know if I'll let the relationship swallow me again without realizing it. I wanted to say these things but I can tell they'd fall on deaf ears because he's not there yet. So I'll just hold on to it...for now.

One time he smiled and oh...there are the eyes and smile I love so much and oh my god how did we get here I want my guy back and how did those eyes and that smile do those cruel things to me? Then the waitress offered him another Pepsi and even though he prefers Coke and our food was long gone he said yes..."let's relax and hang out a little while". It felt so good. I won't lie.

I said I had his favorite ice cream in the freezer at home and did he want to take it with him and he asked "Why?" Like why would I not want to have ice cream for him just in case...but then he wouldn't come back to the apartment because "that would be bad". Oh ok.

Now it's time to drop me off and suddenly tears are running down my cheeks and I'm so embarrassed and I blame hormones and he says it's ok, "I miss you too." and we kiss a few times and I bury my tears in his shoulder and oh...there is HIS smell, not as strong but it's there, and oh I miss it. So we say our goodbyes and I get out of the truck and walk away...and the moment I get in my apartment I fall apart because...how can I love someone so much still after everything and why oh why did this all happen? Please God, help us find a way to fix this! He is supposed to be in my life I can feel it in every cell.

Tully is licking my face because he doesn't like to see my cry...and John Mayer sings "Dreamin with a broken heart" in the background and I cry harder because I have been dreaming about him almost every night for a week. Showing me his new home, going on vacation together, making love, fighting, all of it...and I wake up and it sucks.

So...I made it through. I look like a wreck and my heart is in pieces but I'm still functioning. I don't know what is going to happen with us...that's the hardest part.

20 Days

20 Days...that's how long I've been separated, "single", alone.

I'm actually doing okay.

I'm not going to lie. We do text each other daily. "Good morning" and "Good night" at a minimum. There are 143's and 823's (old pager code for I Love You and Thinking of You) and "miss you" 's in there too. Maybe we are breaking the rules of separation but whatever. It's our separation, not everyone elses.

So far I've realized I'm actually a pretty clean person. I guess he had most of the "stuff". I've realized I was in some kind of fog or daze. I have to do everything for myself now. I'm not waiting do make a decision so I can run it by him. I just do it. I no longer sit around wondering when I need to start dinner because nobody is coming home to cook for. I just make dinner. Speaking of dinner, I am actually cooking. I really thought I would eat out of a freezer all the time. I hooked up my own Internet, set up all my own utilities, pay the bills. I USED to do these things, then I let him. Well, time to be an adult again.

I get bored and it gets really quiet...except when Tully barks. It's lonely. It's weird not having someone to tell your daily accomplishments to. I'm definitely not someone who WANTS to be alone. Nope.

I'm a homebody. Even though technically I could be super social, I'm still just content to watch a DVD with a friend over going out and getting drunk.

Of course, the invites aren't pouring in. Strange...now that I did what everyone said I needed to do, people aren't checking up on me. My life is no longer a soap opera so I guess they've lost interest. Really nice huh? I'm glad you found me interesting for a while.

Nights suck. Going to bed alone sucks. I have to purposely try to NOT remember what it feels like to bury my face in his neck and fall asleep on his shoulder or I'm DONE. I'm sleeping better though. Sometimes I'll let Tully on the bed just to feel less alone. Waking up alone kinda sucks to because it reminds you you went to bed alone.

I have money. I'm not rolling in dough but my bank account is mysteriously staying comfortable above zero. Taking all that time to save up helped big time. So apparently I'm not so bad with my money. I'm sticking to my budget and may be able to pay off some debt now. He is not doing so well, in fact, he's looking for a second job.

In a way it sucks but his choices got him there. Maybe he'll appreciate me more if we give this another shot. I know the first night I was in my apartment he called what was happening "a nightmare". Good. Our life really wasn't so bad. A rut? Definitely...but not worth the pain and suffering and immaturity and tantrums.

I'm not going to lie. I want him back. I want US back. There are going to have to be some changes though and there is one I KNOW he won't like but he won't be surprised. First I need to go through this though...this ME time. Okay, not totally me time, me and Tully time (he really wants me off the computer).

Oh, and Tully and I walk twice a day and he's losing weight and I'm not. Little brat, lol.

There are days like today where I should be working out right now but I just can't find the drive to do it. So that's just me. I can't blame clutter or stress or time or he's going to be home soon, blah, blah. I'm updating you all instead. So, "Hey. I'm doing OK but not great. I'm doing it so I hope that's good enough."

Have a good night. Hug the people that live with you. It's really quiet without them.
Myka

Is the week over yet?

Sad right? It's only Tuesday and I'm wanting the week over. Well I guess the logical thing to do is say why. I'm not totally sure...I'm just wiped out!

Let's go back a couple weeks or so...

Last Wednesday my supervisor took me aside and informed me I was finally being taken off the front desk. Yippee! My new position would continue to assist Accounts Payable and inherit Facilities management. So for two days I was giddy but had to keep it hush hush. Yay, I get to keep helping AP and Yay, I'm going to be a manager of something!

Friday the official meeting happens. "Well, we let the AP guy go today and you and coworker 1 and 2 are going to absorb his tasks." So, now I feel like crap because a guy I've been working with since summer just lost his job. I keep smiling though. "You are going to take over your supervisor's facilities tasks as well." "So what will my new title be?" I ask. "Um, I don't know, make one up." Oh. Okay...but I continue my positivity, shake hands and say thanks. Right before everything is over something is mumbled about "temporary, a few months, we'll see how things go." EEW. I know what that means. It means "If we decide this was a totally stupid idea on our part you could be doing something completely different in a few months...or be unemployed."

Since then my super has said things like "My boss emphasized that I'm still Facilities Manager" (now she's not thrilled with this, it's her boss' paranoia or whatever) and "you are never going back to the front desk." I mean, that's good but now I don't have a safety net. "No the new receptionist won't be reporting to you."

So here I am 7 business days into the new job and I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm trying to do the AP stuff I know, teach what I know to coworker 1 and 2, they are trying to teach me more about Accounting, AND I'm still covering the front desk because they haven't found my replacement.

On top of it all, an exec whined to my exec because I wouldn't do a task for her that was 100% her responsibility. So I've already been involved in a little spat. STRESS. I know I can do the job, if things settle down. Unfortunately, I don't know when that will happen.

AND THEN...

there is my personal life. Ten days ago I found an apartment, I gave them money, I applied, yet I wait for an answer. It's affordable housing...which means they have to investigate your entire financial life. It's insane. So, I'm going to be homeless in 3 weeks unless this place says yes or I go out and find something else.

AND THEN...

my significant other is acting like the guy I fell in love with. He even mentioned putting his ring back on. I mean, that's good right? NOW? Now that we are taking a break? It's making this whole thing much more emotional and a lot less fun. I mean, I want to get back together if things go right but I didn't expect the process to start before we even separated...ugh.

I'm tired, I'm stressed, I want to cry. I feel like my life is a snow globe and I'm stuck holding it looking in at the flurries with no way to settle it down. Crappy analogy but whatever.

Can't wait for WTF...