Issues we've had all the way back to childhood came up. Things about our mom (who is our best friend) came up. Keeping secrets came up. My relationship stuff came up. Add a Sangria Swirl and I was sitting in Aqui's tears streaming down my face in my little black dress and I could not stop it. Stupid alcohol.
So I woke up this morning and unfortunately I can remember most of it. I am starting to realize that I don't quite fit anywhere in my life. I am not exactly who my mom thinks I am (I won't get into why...let's just say, to most it's not a big deal but for me it is), I apparently am not the person my little sis thought I was when she idolized me (she did?) as a kid. Obviously, I'm not the perfect wife. To top it all off, I had a mini meltdown at work this week followed by a conversation with my boss that went something like this; "Looking at it now, I'm not sure this new position plays to your strengths...but don't worry, your job is secure."
In Summary:
- Married but husbandless and not sure what's going to happen.
- Mom thinks I'm this saint and I'm not.
- Little sis thought I was super cool growing up and then got to know me (geek,shy,boring)
- New position at work "doesn't play to my strengths".
Cool huh? No. Not cool at all. I am self aware enough to realize that it is partly A) I am still figuring out who I am and B) I need to be okay with who I am before anyone else can be.
But it's so much easier to just do what makes everyone else comfortable right? Just do whatever Mr. wants and then you avoid fights. Don't tell mom or sis EVERYTHING about you to avoid family drama. Let sis take the lead all the time because she's more assertive anyway. Just work, work, work hard and do your job well and the bosses will love you. Right?
I wish. If it was that simple, I guess my life wouldn't be such a mess. Crap. Now what? I'm open to suggestions...
Just don't give up I'm workin' it outPlease don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
I don't think that ANYONE ever really knows the real you. Everyone keeps things to themselves regardless of how close we are to people. I know there are things about me that noone knows except for me. And I'm okay with that. I'm not perfect. I've got flaws and I love myself more for that. Remember that you aren't always going to live up to everyone expectations...and sometimes not even your own. You've got to learn to love who you are...flaws and all. I may be way off here but just thought that some encouraging words might help! Change is difficult and when your world has been turned upside down change is even harder. Hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Whitney. I'm trying but it's so hard sometimes. I keep thinking that if maybe I had a passion in life, something to focus on, I'd feel better...but I don't. My marraige was my focus I guess. I always felt like as long as I had that person who would always be there, nothing else mattered.
ReplyDeleteThe struggle for me is...how do I stay true to me and not alienate everyone around me? I guess that's my fear.
You and I have very different lives (I'm married, have two kids, stay at home homeschooling my kids, own a house) and the last time I went to Aqui's with my friend I cried too. Everyone's working on something. Just remember to have compassion for yourself and the occasional cocktail to relax.
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