Update:Random stuff

Hey hey!

I just thought I'd check in today...sorry it's been awhile.

My parents are in Europe with mom's crazy bipolar/alcoholic boss and her family. I have gotten more than a few text messages alluding to the fact that crazy lady has "fired" my mom multiple times and Mom is job hunting when she gets home. Thank God! Really, I won't even get into how awful this woman's presence in my mom's life has been.

Mom and step dad did have a great time in the red light district of Amsterdam. Woo! Go Mom.

I house sat for them for 10 days and omg was it kinda sorta awful. I mean, I'm still adjusting to being alone in general...but being alone in another house without my DVR, sis is in Vegas, and two extra pets to care for? Um....yeah, I had a couple emotional meltdowns. Lil sis took over last Monday, phew.

Ok, so a couple good things that happened in the last week...I won $50 at work for our Spring Cleaning contest. I totally didn't think I would win being I was one of the organizers but hey it felt good. Oddly enough, a day later I got a call from Mix 106.5 and found out I won passes to their Idol Finale party. (I'm not in any of the pics but that's A-OK with me). It was actually really fun watching the lamest Idol season ever end on a big screen with a bunch of drunk middle aged women who'd only had the free popcorn to eat. Plus, I got much needed girl time with my BFF(minus baby).

Crystal totally should have won. Dude, Lee's vocals need so much work.
Oh yeah I am so proud of Michael for winning Biggest Loser! Dude was 500 lbs (five of me!)!

Work has been insanely busy like my brain just can't even deal half the time.

Ummmm, so yeah...looking forward to the three day weekend coming up, tending to my neglected apartment, sleeping, and catching up on all the season finales I missed while at Mom's.

Nothing new really on my relationship front. Still hate falling asleep and waking up. Only time will tell what will happen but we both hope it's going to work out.

I don't quite fit...

Saturday night my sis came over, we got all dressed up, hopped in her red convertible to downtown Campbell, walked into a packed Aqui's anxious for a margarita and...proceeded to have a tear inducing confessional. Bummer.

Issues we've had all the way back to childhood came up. Things about our mom (who is our best friend) came up. Keeping secrets came up. My relationship stuff came up. Add a Sangria Swirl and I was sitting in Aqui's tears streaming down my face in my little black dress and I could not stop it. Stupid alcohol.

So I woke up this morning and unfortunately I can remember most of it. I am starting to realize that I don't quite fit anywhere in my life. I am not exactly who my mom thinks I am (I won't get into why...let's just say, to most it's not a big deal but for me it is), I apparently am not the person my little sis thought I was when she idolized me (she did?) as a kid. Obviously, I'm not the perfect wife. To top it all off, I had a mini meltdown at work this week followed by a conversation with my boss that went something like this; "Looking at it now, I'm not sure this new position plays to your strengths...but don't worry, your job is secure."

In Summary:

• Married but husbandless and not sure what's going to happen.
• Mom thinks I'm this saint and I'm not.
• Little sis thought I was super cool growing up and then got to know me (geek,shy,boring)
• New position at work "doesn't play to my strengths".

Cool huh? No. Not cool at all. I am self aware enough to realize that it is partly A) I am still figuring out who I am and B) I need to be okay with who I am before anyone else can be.

But it's so much easier to just do what makes everyone else comfortable right? Just do whatever Mr. wants and then you avoid fights. Don't tell mom or sis EVERYTHING about you to avoid family drama. Let sis take the lead all the time because she's more assertive anyway. Just work, work, work hard and do your job well and the bosses will love you. Right?

I wish. If it was that simple, I guess my life wouldn't be such a mess. Crap. Now what? I'm open to suggestions...

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)

Is the week over yet?

Sad right? It's only Tuesday and I'm wanting the week over. Well I guess the logical thing to do is say why. I'm not totally sure...I'm just wiped out!

Let's go back a couple weeks or so...

Last Wednesday my supervisor took me aside and informed me I was finally being taken off the front desk. Yippee! My new position would continue to assist Accounts Payable and inherit Facilities management. So for two days I was giddy but had to keep it hush hush. Yay, I get to keep helping AP and Yay, I'm going to be a manager of something!

Friday the official meeting happens. "Well, we let the AP guy go today and you and coworker 1 and 2 are going to absorb his tasks." So, now I feel like crap because a guy I've been working with since summer just lost his job. I keep smiling though. "You are going to take over your supervisor's facilities tasks as well." "So what will my new title be?" I ask. "Um, I don't know, make one up." Oh. Okay...but I continue my positivity, shake hands and say thanks. Right before everything is over something is mumbled about "temporary, a few months, we'll see how things go." EEW. I know what that means. It means "If we decide this was a totally stupid idea on our part you could be doing something completely different in a few months...or be unemployed."

Since then my super has said things like "My boss emphasized that I'm still Facilities Manager" (now she's not thrilled with this, it's her boss' paranoia or whatever) and "you are never going back to the front desk." I mean, that's good but now I don't have a safety net. "No the new receptionist won't be reporting to you."

So here I am 7 business days into the new job and I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm trying to do the AP stuff I know, teach what I know to coworker 1 and 2, they are trying to teach me more about Accounting, AND I'm still covering the front desk because they haven't found my replacement.

On top of it all, an exec whined to my exec because I wouldn't do a task for her that was 100% her responsibility. So I've already been involved in a little spat. STRESS. I know I can do the job, if things settle down. Unfortunately, I don't know when that will happen.

AND THEN...

there is my personal life. Ten days ago I found an apartment, I gave them money, I applied, yet I wait for an answer. It's affordable housing...which means they have to investigate your entire financial life. It's insane. So, I'm going to be homeless in 3 weeks unless this place says yes or I go out and find something else.

AND THEN...

my significant other is acting like the guy I fell in love with. He even mentioned putting his ring back on. I mean, that's good right? NOW? Now that we are taking a break? It's making this whole thing much more emotional and a lot less fun. I mean, I want to get back together if things go right but I didn't expect the process to start before we even separated...ugh.

I'm tired, I'm stressed, I want to cry. I feel like my life is a snow globe and I'm stuck holding it looking in at the flurries with no way to settle it down. Crappy analogy but whatever.

Can't wait for WTF...

To Blog or Not to Blog

Hi,

It's me. I'm not dead. Sorry it's been so long...it's just that well, the world is so screwed up and depressing do you really want to read about my also screwed up and depressing life? Probably not. I have what, like 6 followers? (Not that you don't matter *waving* Hi! I love you!) Let's just say, for the last year or so, the only blogging I've done has been OLD SKOOL, in an actual journal...with a pen. Yeah, I know.

I've thought about doing a quick book or movie review but my heart's just not in it. My heart has had quite the year...god, it's been almost a year of this craziness and chaos. Hmmm. Well, when I started this blog it was all YIPPEE!!! NKOTB!!!JOEY!!!EXERCISE!!! and a few "serious" topics, lol. Life was so simple and blond then. I say that because then I was blond and now I'm brunette and I'm different. I've grown up (thought I already was, apparently not) and I'm stronger (more bitter, ugh I want my fairy tales back!).

What the hell, I'm bored at work and reading Twitter and other peoples' blogs, might as well blog and let it all out there....

My marriage is "on hold". It's not over but, well, it's going on hiatus at least. My husband was stupid and did a lot of stupid things. I was oblivious. Oblivious is bad too though. I accept full responsibility for oblivious. You know, I thought, we had a wedding, we took vows in front of a lot of people, we have rings, I'm all set. Um...no. Well, yes, for me that all means exactly what it should but apparently he didn't quite absorb all that into his very soul like I did. And I didn't notice...oops. HE DIDN'T TELL ME THOUGH!

Guys, really...we ARE NOT psychic! I did ask..."is this ok, is that ok, how do you feel about that?" and he always smiled and was supportive. I guess inside he was miserable...for quite a while though. While I was chasing NKOTB and twittering and chatting,etc, he was finding his own distractions. I thought it was just work...it wasn't. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME!

Alas, it's all happened and we've screamed and yelled and walked out and cried and made love, tried(for the record he didn't try very hard) and given up over and over....and it's just time for a break. The love is still there though...at least we have that. So even though I didn't get what I wanted doing everything I was "supposed to do" (the most disappointing phrase in my entire life) now I'm going to do what most people don't have the guts to do...I am "leaving" my old life with the hopes that I'll still want him (and he'll still want me) in my new life.

Really, did you want to hear every depressing detail of my marriage falling apart over the last 10 months? Probably not. Now that it's inevitable and our landlord is getting notice this weekend, I don't see the harm in putting my business out there.

Joe and Myka Part One is coming to and end. It's okay, you should grieve if you feel the need. A lot of people have been and will. I know I know, "not Joe and Myka?! What!!?" Yeah, I feel the same way, sorry. For a while you will have to be okay with just Myka. Or Joe. Not Joe and Myka though, sorry. We are considering a sequel...if we can come up with a happy ending.

So, can you handle a spin off for a season, like "Myka, Princess of Power"? Only, without the cool sword and flying horse... (though I will have Tully, the wet nosed Wiener dog).

What do you think? Will Myka be able to cope on her own? We she go on crazy adventures or will she pine away for Joe, the love of her life? Will she try RED hair for a while? Will Joe desperately try to win Myka back or will he become a nomad? Wait and see...