20 Days

20 Days...that's how long I've been separated, "single", alone.

I'm actually doing okay.

I'm not going to lie. We do text each other daily. "Good morning" and "Good night" at a minimum. There are 143's and 823's (old pager code for I Love You and Thinking of You) and "miss you" 's in there too. Maybe we are breaking the rules of separation but whatever. It's our separation, not everyone elses.

So far I've realized I'm actually a pretty clean person. I guess he had most of the "stuff". I've realized I was in some kind of fog or daze. I have to do everything for myself now. I'm not waiting do make a decision so I can run it by him. I just do it. I no longer sit around wondering when I need to start dinner because nobody is coming home to cook for. I just make dinner. Speaking of dinner, I am actually cooking. I really thought I would eat out of a freezer all the time. I hooked up my own Internet, set up all my own utilities, pay the bills. I USED to do these things, then I let him. Well, time to be an adult again.

I get bored and it gets really quiet...except when Tully barks. It's lonely. It's weird not having someone to tell your daily accomplishments to. I'm definitely not someone who WANTS to be alone. Nope.

I'm a homebody. Even though technically I could be super social, I'm still just content to watch a DVD with a friend over going out and getting drunk.

Of course, the invites aren't pouring in. Strange...now that I did what everyone said I needed to do, people aren't checking up on me. My life is no longer a soap opera so I guess they've lost interest. Really nice huh? I'm glad you found me interesting for a while.

Nights suck. Going to bed alone sucks. I have to purposely try to NOT remember what it feels like to bury my face in his neck and fall asleep on his shoulder or I'm DONE. I'm sleeping better though. Sometimes I'll let Tully on the bed just to feel less alone. Waking up alone kinda sucks to because it reminds you you went to bed alone.

I have money. I'm not rolling in dough but my bank account is mysteriously staying comfortable above zero. Taking all that time to save up helped big time. So apparently I'm not so bad with my money. I'm sticking to my budget and may be able to pay off some debt now. He is not doing so well, in fact, he's looking for a second job.

In a way it sucks but his choices got him there. Maybe he'll appreciate me more if we give this another shot. I know the first night I was in my apartment he called what was happening "a nightmare". Good. Our life really wasn't so bad. A rut? Definitely...but not worth the pain and suffering and immaturity and tantrums.

I'm not going to lie. I want him back. I want US back. There are going to have to be some changes though and there is one I KNOW he won't like but he won't be surprised. First I need to go through this though...this ME time. Okay, not totally me time, me and Tully time (he really wants me off the computer).

Oh, and Tully and I walk twice a day and he's losing weight and I'm not. Little brat, lol.

There are days like today where I should be working out right now but I just can't find the drive to do it. So that's just me. I can't blame clutter or stress or time or he's going to be home soon, blah, blah. I'm updating you all instead. So, "Hey. I'm doing OK but not great. I'm doing it so I hope that's good enough."

Have a good night. Hug the people that live with you. It's really quiet without them.
Myka