The Time in Between the Moments

Like the new look? I like black. It's clean, it's simple, you can wear it whenever. Apparently, you can't wear all black or you get called goth or a ninja or people ask who died, but whatever. Eh, new year new blog. I just wasn't feeling the trees (I still love you trees!).

Anyway...

You know those times...the times in between the moments of your life? I guess you'd have to know what I mean by moments first. You know, the times that pop, good or bad. When something is HAPPENING. For example, going out and drinking too much but having a blast or finding out something great happened at work or, learning something new about yourself. Those moments that make an impression, that push you to grow and to change. So the other times...in between the moments....

I'm not liking those times right now. I go from well, take today for example. I went from feeling amazing because I did my first training for the 5K in March to sitting on my couch wondering what I should be doing, please please someone text me or DM me or IM me or something. My ears are perfectly tuned to hear that chirp of "Hey someone is thinking about you right now and wants your attention YAY!!" I want that distraction, I need the distraction. Mostly I need the acknowledgement. Why? Why do I need it? These are THE TIMES.

Self assured, confident, know themselves people don't, do they? Do you? The only thing I can figure is my brain, my being, is still adjusting to not having that constant someone. 10 months vs. 11 years...yeah, probably still adjusting. Here's the kicker...I just gave my mom this big speech yesterday how I'm realizing people are flawed and marriage is old fashioned but a nice idea. You know, maybe we should all just stop expecting so much from relationships...at least for so long. I believe this now, I do. Yet, I still want someone...it's very confusing. Like, a someone that's there most of the time but not all of the time that my whole life does not revolve around. I don't even know if this makes sense.

Why do we need the marriage, why? Something happens to your brain people. I try to explain this to those around me who want it. They ask, why does it change? What happens? I don't know it just does. It's gotta be some chemical biological something or other. I loved that feeling, I did. Of course I would love it again but when you lose that it's....like losing a limb or something. So why do that to myself again? I could have all the good stuff without whatever jacked up thing happens to your brain with the whole wedding and marriage thing.

Don't give me that "You'll find love again blah blah..."1 in 2 marriages. One in two. Would you eat something if you had a 50/50 chance of puking your guts out for a week? I think not. Love, I could find that again for sure...I'm not talking about that. FYI-getting divorced is hard. So just like food it's easy to eat but really painful to get rid of if things go south (or north in this case).

Mom's response to all this: I mean really all you need is a sperm donor and then date who you want so you can have a baby AND like the guy you are with.

Ha! Can you tell she wants grand kids?

So I sit there in these moments thinking about what I should do with my life and when will I feel like I know what I want to do etc etc driving myself nuts. Making myself sad. Why? Ugh.

Can someone please text me right now? It's been over an hour people. Oh and then...I beat myself up for initiating some conversation. "Oh, you are being needy or annoying, stop."

I am ridiculous.

I blame the holiday TV break. Not enough mindless pop culture to keep me occupied. Books don't always help, since you are using your brain, you know. I need my shows! I need a cuddle. I need to get a grip ha!

Any tips would be appreciated. How do I deal with the times in between? You are highly encouraged to text, email, IM, DM, or Facebook Chat me. Or call. That works too.

Couch to 5K
I started training for a 5K today! Today was week 1 with the Couch to 5 K podcast and I'm supposed to do this session 3 times. It wasn't too hard! I had to do a 5 min walk warm up/cool down with seven 60 second runs followed by 90 second rests. If I was old out of shape eew me, it probably would have sucked. I felt amazing! Me, little non athletic, cerebral palsied, hates to run Me felt amazing. I even let out a "Woo!" when the last twenty seconds of the final run came because I knew I could do more. I survived the stupid porcupine balls, squirrels, cyclists, yard tools across the sidewalk, puddles, toddlers on trikes...I never fell on my face woo! Every time I passed a person I wanted to say "Haaaaay look at me, I'm training for a RACE." Yeah, that's right I'm one of those people now, those people I used to despise and think were nuts. Ha so fun. So weird. Me, that is.

Missing from My Last Post

• I mean really, I forgot to list First Gay Bar. How could I forget...oh wait because I don't remember the whole night. So fun.
• Also I need to get to know Cali better. I've lived here my whole life and there are so many places I still have not seen and things I haven't done. So that's on the 2011 list.

2010: A Year of Firsts

Happy New Year! Can I just say I am GLAD 2010 is over? It was really rough. I'm not saying it didn't have it's moments (boy did it have it's moments) but in general I'm just glad I get a symbolic fresh start.

Before I talk about what lies ahead, I need to take a minute and remember what this last year has been. 2010 was me growing up. 2010 was me finding me again. I kinda like me. I need some work still...but there's an awesome chick in there....I can feel her.

Believe it or not, at 31, I had my very first apartment. There is something liberating about realizing you can take care of everything on your own. That I can PAY for everything on my own. I remember thinking, "What am I going to do if I can't open a jar?" I grab the little rubber gripper I got in my gift pack from the leasing office when I moved in. I have been able to open everything so far, go figure. I fixed the vacuum by myself...because I had to. I kid you not I skipped around my living room when I got that new belt on all by myself. I did. With a big grin on my face too. My apartment is mine, my sanctuary...simple as it is...it's mine.

There were quite a few months in the middle of the year where I didn't do much. I was kind of in a daze. I was surviving in my little cocoon of routine and solitude (are those words? ha). Then I snapped out of it...thanks to a mix of my own anger, love and patience from family, and a big kick of persistence from friends (You know who you are. THANK YOU)

A lot of firsts have happened in the last few months. From something as superficial as actually feeling good in a bikini to something as life altering as deciding to stop waiting for him and move on with my life. Oh...yeah, that's a big first for me. I haven't had many relationships...4 actually (and that's being generous) and I've always been the one being dumped. Well, this time I did the dumping. It's not any easier than getting dumped and you feel like crap everyday about it.

Let's see...I gave a guy my number for the first time in 12 years. Scary but great for my ego at that moment. First concert in San Francisco. First Halloween costume party. First time doing tequila shots. Silly but hey it's a first right? First Elf Party in the city. First time in my life I can do 10 real push ups in a row. Planned and executed my first company event at work (hated it and glad I'm not doing anymore lol). Oh gosh! First Happy Hours! First time getting drunk at lunch (oh dear, these are just getting worse haha!) while on the clock. God, reading this list it really does seem like I skipped being a teenager. (I sucked at being a teenager) Um, yeah I got asked out by a married man, eew. First. Hopefully the last. First tattoo. I did it. I LOVE it. Didn't hurt that bad and I think it's kinda sexy. First time being in a restaurant when the power went out. First time going to a movie by myself. Not awesome but not horrible. First time going jogging with my sister. First time in my life I purposely go jog. First burger at the Counter. First visit to a used bookstore ( I know I know! for a book nerd this is really sad). First pair of red pumps.

I'm sure there are others...and I know there will be more.

I've already signed up for a 5K in March. I am going to Vegas. I don't know when or how but I am going there while I still look young enough to get a free drink. I am only moving forward. I am going to read more. I want to cut my debt in half, be more assertive at work and...gasp! date?! (a girl's got needs you know...it's been WAY too long)(and yeah this girl is way more vocal about that on here than she is in real life). Take more risks...like do something totally out of character (except karaoke, never ever!). That sounds fun. Anyway, yeah, good start. Since I'm hungry and it will be a first I'm going to go have pizza for dinner even though I also had it for lunch. ; p.

Goodbye 2010, hello 2011. To new beginnings, taking risks, and finding my light.

Fear

Fear. It's pretty much been the emotion/force/whatever whatever that has guided my entire life. As a child I was afraid to grow up. Then I grew up and I was afraid to do grown up things. Then I did grown up things and I was just afraid.

Will I be good enough?
Will people like me?
Will he love me forever?

Remember MySpace? Remember when MySpace with the IT girl of social networking? The big thing about Myspace was you could use code to add all this crazy stuff to your page. There were websites dedicated to building crap for your MySpace. One trend I dabbled in was the questionnaire. It was usually some list of totally random questions like "Vanilla or Chocolate?" "Do you want kids?" "Favorite pizza?". There was one question almost ALL of them had. "What is your biggest fear?"

I always answered: Losing my mom or husband

Well, for all intents and purposes I have lost my husband. (He is fighting skin and nail to hang on now of course but that's not the topic of this blog) I lost my husband and I'm okay. I wasn't always okay. In fact I've been a mess for a long time. Now I am okay. Really okay. Good even...and GREAT is not too far away.

So basically, I've faced my biggest fear and survived (Let's just ignore the Mom part okay? Let's not go there...that's a whole other ballgame). Now I'm working on thriving, on living and building the life I want. I won't lie...some days are hard. Some days I feel afraid and insecure. Some days I feel like if someone isn't constantly acknowledging my presence or telling me I'm awesome, they probably don't think I'm awesome anymore. Insecure. That's me.

Fear. It will always be apart of me. So much so that I may even tattoo a portion of my favorite quote to myself. Another fear, tattoos and their permanence. It's how I handle it from now on that will define the rest of my life.

Our Deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. (Marianne Williamson)

October 24, 2010

Looks like today is the first day of the rest of my life...

Let's move on now shall we?

Let's forget about that last post shall we? Though even the sad times warrant just as much attention they aren't much fun are they? Look at the bright side...reading that had to make you feel like your life was freakin awesome!

There will probably be no rhyme or reason to this post so just go with it...that's kind of what my life is like right now anyway. Go with the flow as they say. Which is so NOT me. I like lists and order and to know who, what, where, when and why. Preparation. I like preparation. Life is kind of giving me the middle finger in regards to that now isn't it?

Good grades, check.
College, check.
Degree, check.
High paying job, ummmm uh huh.
Husband, check.
House (see high paying job...um ok whatever I don't need a house until I'm 40)
Kids, crap where did husband go?! uncheck

See a list. I make lists. My current one kind of looks like this:

Figure out husband situation-pending
Take care of self, CHECK
Pay off debt, working on it
Have fun and say yes (as long as it doesn't contradict Take care of self) a lot more

That's it. Everything else is up in the air for now.

Having fun:
My little sister is 30! Her party was almost a total success. It would have been nice if my step dad's truck hadn't broken down in the party store parking lot 45 min before the party and we could have decorated BEFORE the guests arrived...but what can you do? We got there eventually, we danced A LOT (heaven heaven heaven for me), I saw old friends, there were tears and hugs and laughter. I got hit on by a guy who was almost the antithesis of what I find appealing but whatever. I got a few eye popping reactions from people over my little black dress/shirt/dress which was cool but surprising. Like, hello? Do I normally look like garbage or do my lil sis' friends think I'm incapable of hotness? People wonder why I always compare myself to her...jeez. Well, I fooled you huh? Oh FYI...the hottie on the right, that's our MOM. I am so not afraid to get older.

Speaking of hotness, I got called a narcissist. Nice right?
Narcissism:–noun
1.
inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2.
Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.

Oh yeah, that's me in a nutshell (rolling eyes). Yes, I have a healthy level of vanity. Mom raised me that way. Without it, well, I just think you would have no motivation to take care of yourself and look presentable. I'm not talking red carpet wear every day. I'm talking clothes that fit well and clean hair and brushed teeth when you go out in public.

Funny thing is, I got called a narcissist when I said sunglasses are good not only for eye protection but to prevent wrinkles caused by squinting. I was giving advice to someone else that was having a discussion with me. "Worrying about all those things must be such a burden." Um, no...I don't find trying to be healthy a burden. They are called good habits. OK, so I can lay off the little health tips. Fine. It's about health though, not vanity. I've since decided narcissist name caller doesn't really know what narcissist means. Besides if the only person I truly loved was me wouldn't I not give a crap about a certain someone moving on? Exactly.

I did fret over this a few days though. Am I self absorbed? Do I talk about myself too much? My dad is. Did I inherit that? Then again what in the hell am I supposed to talk about? I live alone with my dog for goodness sakes! This is my ME time everyone has been harping on me to cherish.

Blurring the lines between work/personal life:

I have taken a huge step (for me) in the last couple months. I'm letting my guard down at work a bit. It's scary. I mean, I could lose my job next week and then bye bye new friends right? I have to do this though...I see these people all the time. We have shared goals and projects. I'm not a robot...I can't not let them in a little bit right? So, I'm saying yes (see list above) and have discovered a wonderful thing...HAPPY HOUR.

I really had no idea how awesome this time of day could be. Normally I'd be walking my dog and working out and paying bills, etc etc. Now I drink and eat. LOL....OK OK not that extreme, once or twice a week for a couple hours. That's all. I love it though! $2 margaritas? Love. $4 appetizers? Love. Griping about daily annoyances while drinking and eating? Love.

Babysitting your coworkers kid for 5 hours...um, yeah...not as fun as happy hour. Whoever that Fred guy on Nickelodeon is scares the crap out of me.

One little downer this week...kinda miss that truly crazy utter happiness that comes from your soul kind of feeling. You know that happiness that just bursts out with an uncontrollable smile or makes your heart feel huge? Miss it...but there is this...

Remember the little phenomenon called "Free Hugs"? I even bought a shirt from this guy and wore it all the time (probably wouldn't do that now since my only body guard is a 25lb one foot tall dog). "No, not you dude...only females/hot guys/non creepy guys get free hugs." Love this video.




I've rediscovered how wonderful hugs are. They help a lot. Go on and hug somebody.

Later. : )

FYI

The author of this blog (me) is officially screwed up. I just thought you'd all like to know. I wondered how everything that happened in the last year would impact me. Well, in a not good way. In a VERY not good way. (Yes, yes, I'm stronger from my failure and all the pain and I've grown up and blah blah yes I know that part) I don't trust people anymore. Mainly I don't trust ME anymore.

My "friend or foe" filter is broken. First there was ALL THAT LAST SUMMER and then someone who I thought was a friend turned out to be a pig and now that I'm trying to make more new friends I can't decipher anything they do without thinking it's something else.

So thank you Guy Who Married Me and Mr. Pig for altering my brain. Thanks so much.

For the rest of you...patience...you'll have to be really patient.

Good Times

This post comes by special request as I was recently told my blog made someone really sad. I am just one of those types that usually only feels the need to vent when I am sad/worried/annoyed/lonely. So special requester, here is my Happy Post.

Guess what? I've been having a bit of fun lately. I've been doing stuff. With other people. Yep. I know right?

Oh but first...(and this is totally a chick thing, we obsess over this stuff so it's very important to acknowledge it) I am officially 98lbs and pretty buff and I actually have some abs! It feels amazing. I mean hello? I weighed this much at 19 when I hit the gym 3-4 times a week! Who thought I could do that at 31 and a half? Mind you, I can't eat whatever I want like at 19, but really, who cares? I look awesome. Ha! There.

<---Oh look, who is that wearing her skinny sister's dress?

Moving on...work is going well. I will not bore you with the details. Basically, my job is the same but I am reminded every day what cool, fun people I work with. I mean, this past Thursday I was off getting a massage (gift from work) with our receptionist and our supervisor. Not bad right? I also joined the Culture and Leadership Book Club (add big announcer voice here). We are reading a business book called Good to Great by Jim Collins. I actually like it. It's making me look at my workplace differently and myself differently. The club itself is giving me the chance to interact with people I normally don't at work and that's a good thing.

My yearly review is coming up. I am anticipating it going well.

Okay, so last weekend I participated in a social mixer at work (wine), dinner with a coworker (sake), Margarita Night with my two bffs (duh, obvious), and went out dancing with my sister and her friends (vodka). Sunday I felt like crap. It was worth it though. My weekend flew by, all smiles, no frowns. Good times. Anyone who has known me for a long time knows this is not typical me behavior. I'm much more of a "stay in watch a movie, in bed by 11pm" kind of girl. Still am, but it's fun to let loose once in a while.

I ate a LOT of sushi this month, lol. It's not difficult with Mizu so close to home. Great place, moderately priced, yummy sushi.

I am currently reading The Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson. I spent the last two weeks reading book one, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, at the suggestion of a coworker and now I'm on book 2, The Girl Who Played with Fire. Murder mysteries haven't been on my radar since junior high but there is just enough twisted sickness for me to enjoy them. The main character is super smart and my height (hey that never happens, give me a break) so she's totally awesome of course. Glad they were suggested to me.

Oh yeah, I had a girls weekend with my bffs at my apartment and got them into True Blood (more sushi, Bloody Mary's, vodka)!

Today was a nice day by the resort-like pool at my sister's apartment complex. Just me, my sis, and my mom...reminding me of some of my favorite times growing up. We had lunch, talked, sunned, swam...really nice.

Might go dancing next weekend in the city (vodka?)....