Update:Random stuff

Hey hey!

I just thought I'd check in today...sorry it's been awhile.

My parents are in Europe with mom's crazy bipolar/alcoholic boss and her family. I have gotten more than a few text messages alluding to the fact that crazy lady has "fired" my mom multiple times and Mom is job hunting when she gets home. Thank God! Really, I won't even get into how awful this woman's presence in my mom's life has been.

Mom and step dad did have a great time in the red light district of Amsterdam. Woo! Go Mom.

I house sat for them for 10 days and omg was it kinda sorta awful. I mean, I'm still adjusting to being alone in general...but being alone in another house without my DVR, sis is in Vegas, and two extra pets to care for? Um....yeah, I had a couple emotional meltdowns. Lil sis took over last Monday, phew.

Ok, so a couple good things that happened in the last week...I won $50 at work for our Spring Cleaning contest. I totally didn't think I would win being I was one of the organizers but hey it felt good. Oddly enough, a day later I got a call from Mix 106.5 and found out I won passes to their Idol Finale party. (I'm not in any of the pics but that's A-OK with me). It was actually really fun watching the lamest Idol season ever end on a big screen with a bunch of drunk middle aged women who'd only had the free popcorn to eat. Plus, I got much needed girl time with my BFF(minus baby).

Crystal totally should have won. Dude, Lee's vocals need so much work.
Oh yeah I am so proud of Michael for winning Biggest Loser! Dude was 500 lbs (five of me!)!

Work has been insanely busy like my brain just can't even deal half the time.

Ummmm, so yeah...looking forward to the three day weekend coming up, tending to my neglected apartment, sleeping, and catching up on all the season finales I missed while at Mom's.

Nothing new really on my relationship front. Still hate falling asleep and waking up. Only time will tell what will happen but we both hope it's going to work out.

Please watch this film

Food, Inc. It will be online to watch until 4/28/10 at Midnight

*there are disturbing images but sometimes the truth is disturbing.

I don't quite fit...

Saturday night my sis came over, we got all dressed up, hopped in her red convertible to downtown Campbell, walked into a packed Aqui's anxious for a margarita and...proceeded to have a tear inducing confessional. Bummer.

Issues we've had all the way back to childhood came up. Things about our mom (who is our best friend) came up. Keeping secrets came up. My relationship stuff came up. Add a Sangria Swirl and I was sitting in Aqui's tears streaming down my face in my little black dress and I could not stop it. Stupid alcohol.

So I woke up this morning and unfortunately I can remember most of it. I am starting to realize that I don't quite fit anywhere in my life. I am not exactly who my mom thinks I am (I won't get into why...let's just say, to most it's not a big deal but for me it is), I apparently am not the person my little sis thought I was when she idolized me (she did?) as a kid. Obviously, I'm not the perfect wife. To top it all off, I had a mini meltdown at work this week followed by a conversation with my boss that went something like this; "Looking at it now, I'm not sure this new position plays to your strengths...but don't worry, your job is secure."

In Summary:

• Married but husbandless and not sure what's going to happen.
• Mom thinks I'm this saint and I'm not.
• Little sis thought I was super cool growing up and then got to know me (geek,shy,boring)
• New position at work "doesn't play to my strengths".

Cool huh? No. Not cool at all. I am self aware enough to realize that it is partly A) I am still figuring out who I am and B) I need to be okay with who I am before anyone else can be.

But it's so much easier to just do what makes everyone else comfortable right? Just do whatever Mr. wants and then you avoid fights. Don't tell mom or sis EVERYTHING about you to avoid family drama. Let sis take the lead all the time because she's more assertive anyway. Just work, work, work hard and do your job well and the bosses will love you. Right?

I wish. If it was that simple, I guess my life wouldn't be such a mess. Crap. Now what? I'm open to suggestions...

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)

Not your baby's Facebook

Is it just me or do people suddenly lose their identity when they have a kid? Is it just me or is it suuuper annoying that suddenly every Facebook status update is "Junior just did this...junior just said that...junior just went here."?

I am 31 years old. Facebook is for grown-ups (and teenagers I suppose). I really am not interested in toilet training, preschool, junior's first steps, that they squashed a bug, picked their nose, whatever. I've been there, done that...30 years ago. My friends did that too. I'm sure if toddlers had facebooks, seeing those kinds of status updates would be all the rage.

The other thing I can't stand. Your baby's headshot as your profile pic. I mean, seriously? I don't know who that is...all babies look the same...cute (mostly) but the same. It is YOUR Facebook page, not Junior's. Besides, how do you know some kidnapper isn't scanning profile pics shopping for their next victim. "Oh...Lisa in Illinois has a newborn! And they live in "your town here"."

Now before you get all sensitive and think I'm a baby hater, I'm not. If you are proud of your child's accomplishment, great. Post YOUR reaction and feelings to it.

Part of my feelings come from the fact that it seems like parents want to involve their kids in everything these days. Also, when they do come to a "grown up" place (like a restaurant) many people let their kids run around like it's a playground.

All I know is that when I was a kid, mom and dad went to "grown up" places and left my sis and I with Grandma. When we did go out with them, we were expected to be quiet and behave...so we did.

I will admit, there is a little jealousy/sadness behind this. I feel like I'm losing touch with my peers cuz I'm the single girl now...everyone else is getting married, having babies, buying houses. Still, it is YOUR Facebook page. Remember that. It's YOUR life too. Don't lose yourself okay? (and if you could make you kid stay in their seat when out in public, that would be nice too)

TGIF, TTFN

Ok, it's not ALL bad

Really, I apologize for how extremely sad my blogs are lately...it's just I'm extremely sad.

However...it's not ALL bad. So here are some good things that have happened since, well, you know.

1. I have my own place for the first time in my life. It's all mine people. Paid for with MY money. It's kinda awesome.
2. My dog is awesome. ---->
3. I have a couch for the first time in 3 years so I can you know, cuddle him -->
4. I have stopped the addictive Facebook games.
5. I walk at least 35 minutes a day.
6. There is an awesome (the sushi place to be, says my sis) sushi restaurant, MIZU, right across the street.
7. Two pools, two hot tubs, two saunas. I haven't tried them yet, but they are there!
8. Quality time with my bff's and family with zero drama.
9. I'm more self sufficient. I replaced the belt in my vacuum all by myself.
10. There is a lot less cheese and butter in my life, lol.
11. I got promoted and work and get compliments regularly.
12. I won $500 on the radio today. Good Karma. (bet white trash hasn't gotten any of THAT lately)
13. What will lucky 13 be? hmmm

See? Not so bad right? Right? Right.

Really?

I don't need to be told every day that I look tired, thank you very much.

You try sleeping alone every night for the first time in 11 years.

"Even with your makeup on today you look tired." Thanks. Can I strangle you now?

Dreamin with a broken heart...

Today was our first monthly dinner...(yes we've had lunch a few times but those don't count, they have a time limit). It went well. I kept wanting to grab his hand like I always did but wasn't sure if I should. He looks well.

He actually beat me to my apartment. I was walking Tully and heard a man walking fast behind me and I jumped a little inside and it was him. So we walked Tully together. Tully was so happy to see his dad. He stood up on his little legs and licked dad's face. While we were walking, Tully kept turning around and looking at him like he couldn't believe he was with us.

So we walked and we talked. It was a little awkward...this time together without a time limit. We just talked about work and what we've been up to and the dogs. I held his arm for a little bit but didn't know if I should so I stopped.

He came in my apartment for a few minutes when we dropped Tully off. I showed him how I finally put some of my nice things on display in the cabinet he bought me five years ago. I showed him how I hung some pictures. He said it was nice to see. Tully sat on his lap on the couch for a few minutes and then had to say goodbye to his daddy when we left for dinner.

We had some Mexican food...split an appetizer and a meal like always. Talked more about what we're up to. I told him how I don't miss the dirt from his job, how I don't spend much time on the computer at home now, how I clean every Saturday morning and how I always felt overwhelmed with all his stuff when we were together. I told him I don't want to feel like that in the future. He said he never watches tv and doesn't miss it, he plays his Evony game every night on the computer, his dog is fully crate trained, kids still annoy him.

I tried to get into more serious stuff but he's not there yet. He's still adjusting to me not being around and hasn't really thought about us and what's going to happen. He still has hope. I of course, JUST WANT TO KNOW NOW OK I AM SO DONE WITH LONLINESS AND WORRYING AND WONDERING...but that's me. I am trying to give myself a break and not rush the process but it's so hard!

I don't know if I'll ever truly trust him. I don't know if I can live like that the rest of my life. I don't know if I'll let the relationship swallow me again without realizing it. I wanted to say these things but I can tell they'd fall on deaf ears because he's not there yet. So I'll just hold on to it...for now.

One time he smiled and oh...there are the eyes and smile I love so much and oh my god how did we get here I want my guy back and how did those eyes and that smile do those cruel things to me? Then the waitress offered him another Pepsi and even though he prefers Coke and our food was long gone he said yes..."let's relax and hang out a little while". It felt so good. I won't lie.

I said I had his favorite ice cream in the freezer at home and did he want to take it with him and he asked "Why?" Like why would I not want to have ice cream for him just in case...but then he wouldn't come back to the apartment because "that would be bad". Oh ok.

Now it's time to drop me off and suddenly tears are running down my cheeks and I'm so embarrassed and I blame hormones and he says it's ok, "I miss you too." and we kiss a few times and I bury my tears in his shoulder and oh...there is HIS smell, not as strong but it's there, and oh I miss it. So we say our goodbyes and I get out of the truck and walk away...and the moment I get in my apartment I fall apart because...how can I love someone so much still after everything and why oh why did this all happen? Please God, help us find a way to fix this! He is supposed to be in my life I can feel it in every cell.

Tully is licking my face because he doesn't like to see my cry...and John Mayer sings "Dreamin with a broken heart" in the background and I cry harder because I have been dreaming about him almost every night for a week. Showing me his new home, going on vacation together, making love, fighting, all of it...and I wake up and it sucks.

So...I made it through. I look like a wreck and my heart is in pieces but I'm still functioning. I don't know what is going to happen with us...that's the hardest part.