Hello Sunshine

Spring and Summer are finally here! That means I get to be a little bit happier. I get to pull out my tank tops and get pedicures. I get to lay by the pool and swim (one of my favorite things to do) I mean, really, Mother Nature, it's June. I know we have like, totally screwed up your ecosystem but you keep fighting you hear me? There are a bunch of us that really to love you (ME!). California is even about to ban those awful plastic shopping bags you are choking on. I mean I know there are a bunch of us who are really dumb and insist and screwing things up (BP) and I'm so so sorry. I wish they would just drown in the oil they love so much.

The Welcome Picnic at work I planned went off without a hitch. Supposedly people were even complimenting how it turned out. That is a huge relief since I have zero experience planning events besides my um, wedding...moving on! We don't have an events team at Sugar so basically whenever the company does anything fun it's up to the admins, Facilities and HR. That's a total of 4 people at our company. Yep. So now I'm responsible for two more summer events to which my sister asked, "So you're the Events team now?". Uh, yeah. See she is on Verisign's Events TEAM. She gets paid way more than I do to do it.....The Chinese employees arrived and are all settled in which is nice. I get a couple of mellow weeks this month and then I get to deal with end of quarter with accounting. Yippee. The excitement of dual roles never ends!

Other than all that it's been a rough couple of weeks. I am feeling really hopeless about my future. Basically all I see right now is A)things working out in my marriage and my life changing pretty dramatically or B)ending up alone because I totally suck at getting to know new people especially guys. I mean, I'm not 21 anymore so it's not like I have all these available single people to hang out with to meet other single people. I have a bunch of coupled up 30 something friends and family, that despite all their declarations of "We'll have parties and we'll do this and that with you!" aren't really doing that. I'm not surprised and I bear no ill will. I don't expect them to leave their mates home alone to be with me all the time. I think they didn't realize what they were saying when my couple hood took a dive.

I know, I know. Being a victim is lame. I am trying hard not to be. It's just been tough lately. He is feeling pressured though I'm not intentionally being impatient. I'm just lonely. I love him you know? He's making progress but it's slow. It may be worth the wait...that's what I hang on to. Don't think I'm just pining away not considering alternatives. I am. I have days where I wonder if I really want to give this another go and days where I'm completely certain this person is supposed to be in my life.

My days are becoming so robotic and I worry I'm getting OCD or ADD or something. I think about each of my meals before I even get out of bed (I mean, what else do I have to do?) I have to have my phone and itouch with me at all times or I feel all disconnected from the world even if nobody is calling/txting/twittering me. I bounce around from one thing to the next in my apartment trying to keep it just right. I've started weighing myself daily which I know is totally weird and pointless. I can't go one day without logging my calorie and exercise. At first it was just to lose a couple pounds (which I did yay) and getting a better grip on what I put in my body. Now I feel a little anxious if I don't record it. Uh oh. Not good right? Sis says "stay skinny" and called me a "hottie" (so weird since she's the family hottie). He said I'm too thin and to eat more. I think he's just worried or worried I'm too hot (oh snap! lol).

To put it out there, I'm 4'10" and weigh 100.5lbs. A completely healthy weight for me. I exercise about 30 min a day and eat 3 meals plus snacks so no, I'm not going to become anorexic or something. I love food too much and I will never love exercise that much.

I just don't really like how my thoughts are right now. I think it's me trying to control what I can control since my marriage is so out of control? I don't know...My life is in limbo and it's really frustrating.

Anyway, off to go walk Tully, do my workout, get ready for lunch at grandma's...(see there I go making a list again)

Update:Random stuff

Hey hey!

I just thought I'd check in today...sorry it's been awhile.

My parents are in Europe with mom's crazy bipolar/alcoholic boss and her family. I have gotten more than a few text messages alluding to the fact that crazy lady has "fired" my mom multiple times and Mom is job hunting when she gets home. Thank God! Really, I won't even get into how awful this woman's presence in my mom's life has been.

Mom and step dad did have a great time in the red light district of Amsterdam. Woo! Go Mom.

I house sat for them for 10 days and omg was it kinda sorta awful. I mean, I'm still adjusting to being alone in general...but being alone in another house without my DVR, sis is in Vegas, and two extra pets to care for? Um....yeah, I had a couple emotional meltdowns. Lil sis took over last Monday, phew.

Ok, so a couple good things that happened in the last week...I won $50 at work for our Spring Cleaning contest. I totally didn't think I would win being I was one of the organizers but hey it felt good. Oddly enough, a day later I got a call from Mix 106.5 and found out I won passes to their Idol Finale party. (I'm not in any of the pics but that's A-OK with me). It was actually really fun watching the lamest Idol season ever end on a big screen with a bunch of drunk middle aged women who'd only had the free popcorn to eat. Plus, I got much needed girl time with my BFF(minus baby).

Crystal totally should have won. Dude, Lee's vocals need so much work.
Oh yeah I am so proud of Michael for winning Biggest Loser! Dude was 500 lbs (five of me!)!

Work has been insanely busy like my brain just can't even deal half the time.

Ummmm, so yeah...looking forward to the three day weekend coming up, tending to my neglected apartment, sleeping, and catching up on all the season finales I missed while at Mom's.

Nothing new really on my relationship front. Still hate falling asleep and waking up. Only time will tell what will happen but we both hope it's going to work out.

Please watch this film

Food, Inc. It will be online to watch until 4/28/10 at Midnight

*there are disturbing images but sometimes the truth is disturbing.

I don't quite fit...

Saturday night my sis came over, we got all dressed up, hopped in her red convertible to downtown Campbell, walked into a packed Aqui's anxious for a margarita and...proceeded to have a tear inducing confessional. Bummer.

Issues we've had all the way back to childhood came up. Things about our mom (who is our best friend) came up. Keeping secrets came up. My relationship stuff came up. Add a Sangria Swirl and I was sitting in Aqui's tears streaming down my face in my little black dress and I could not stop it. Stupid alcohol.

So I woke up this morning and unfortunately I can remember most of it. I am starting to realize that I don't quite fit anywhere in my life. I am not exactly who my mom thinks I am (I won't get into why...let's just say, to most it's not a big deal but for me it is), I apparently am not the person my little sis thought I was when she idolized me (she did?) as a kid. Obviously, I'm not the perfect wife. To top it all off, I had a mini meltdown at work this week followed by a conversation with my boss that went something like this; "Looking at it now, I'm not sure this new position plays to your strengths...but don't worry, your job is secure."

In Summary:

• Married but husbandless and not sure what's going to happen.
• Mom thinks I'm this saint and I'm not.
• Little sis thought I was super cool growing up and then got to know me (geek,shy,boring)
• New position at work "doesn't play to my strengths".

Cool huh? No. Not cool at all. I am self aware enough to realize that it is partly A) I am still figuring out who I am and B) I need to be okay with who I am before anyone else can be.

But it's so much easier to just do what makes everyone else comfortable right? Just do whatever Mr. wants and then you avoid fights. Don't tell mom or sis EVERYTHING about you to avoid family drama. Let sis take the lead all the time because she's more assertive anyway. Just work, work, work hard and do your job well and the bosses will love you. Right?

I wish. If it was that simple, I guess my life wouldn't be such a mess. Crap. Now what? I'm open to suggestions...

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)

Not your baby's Facebook

Is it just me or do people suddenly lose their identity when they have a kid? Is it just me or is it suuuper annoying that suddenly every Facebook status update is "Junior just did this...junior just said that...junior just went here."?

I am 31 years old. Facebook is for grown-ups (and teenagers I suppose). I really am not interested in toilet training, preschool, junior's first steps, that they squashed a bug, picked their nose, whatever. I've been there, done that...30 years ago. My friends did that too. I'm sure if toddlers had facebooks, seeing those kinds of status updates would be all the rage.

The other thing I can't stand. Your baby's headshot as your profile pic. I mean, seriously? I don't know who that is...all babies look the same...cute (mostly) but the same. It is YOUR Facebook page, not Junior's. Besides, how do you know some kidnapper isn't scanning profile pics shopping for their next victim. "Oh...Lisa in Illinois has a newborn! And they live in "your town here"."

Now before you get all sensitive and think I'm a baby hater, I'm not. If you are proud of your child's accomplishment, great. Post YOUR reaction and feelings to it.

Part of my feelings come from the fact that it seems like parents want to involve their kids in everything these days. Also, when they do come to a "grown up" place (like a restaurant) many people let their kids run around like it's a playground.

All I know is that when I was a kid, mom and dad went to "grown up" places and left my sis and I with Grandma. When we did go out with them, we were expected to be quiet and behave...so we did.

I will admit, there is a little jealousy/sadness behind this. I feel like I'm losing touch with my peers cuz I'm the single girl now...everyone else is getting married, having babies, buying houses. Still, it is YOUR Facebook page. Remember that. It's YOUR life too. Don't lose yourself okay? (and if you could make you kid stay in their seat when out in public, that would be nice too)

TGIF, TTFN

Ok, it's not ALL bad

Really, I apologize for how extremely sad my blogs are lately...it's just I'm extremely sad.

However...it's not ALL bad. So here are some good things that have happened since, well, you know.

1. I have my own place for the first time in my life. It's all mine people. Paid for with MY money. It's kinda awesome.
2. My dog is awesome. ---->
3. I have a couch for the first time in 3 years so I can you know, cuddle him -->
4. I have stopped the addictive Facebook games.
5. I walk at least 35 minutes a day.
6. There is an awesome (the sushi place to be, says my sis) sushi restaurant, MIZU, right across the street.
7. Two pools, two hot tubs, two saunas. I haven't tried them yet, but they are there!
8. Quality time with my bff's and family with zero drama.
9. I'm more self sufficient. I replaced the belt in my vacuum all by myself.
10. There is a lot less cheese and butter in my life, lol.
11. I got promoted and work and get compliments regularly.
12. I won $500 on the radio today. Good Karma. (bet white trash hasn't gotten any of THAT lately)
13. What will lucky 13 be? hmmm

See? Not so bad right? Right? Right.

Really?

I don't need to be told every day that I look tired, thank you very much.

You try sleeping alone every night for the first time in 11 years.

"Even with your makeup on today you look tired." Thanks. Can I strangle you now?