It's been over a year...

Wow. My life has changed in so many ways is the past year. Little did I know after my last blog post that a trip to Vegas followed by a casual night of bowling with a former classmate would change me so dramatically.

I mean I'm still all those things in that last post but I'm also more...

I so want to share it all! I can't, not yet. A certain legal status needs to change before I feel safe enough to do so.

A few things though...full time as an EA and pretty much rocking it. Love it most days. My company is exploding and it's so exciting. What job crisis?

I'm a Christian now. Hahahaha. Crazy right? Found a cool church. Real people.

I've attempted salsa dancing. Fun, but I'm definitely not a natural.

Started teaching at my old high school band program again. Love.

Spent some time in San Diego. Beautiful!

I have Phoenix, New Orleans, NYC, and Maui in my future...

I'm finally in a position to save for retirement AND a new car.

and maybe, just maybe some old dreams will become a possibility again.

See ya!

It's all me...

Athletic
Accomplished
Emotional
Drained
Confused
Excited
Passionate
Geeky
trying to balance wanting to push
Unsure
Insecure
Confident
Musical
Introverted
Social
Compassionate
Frustrated
Determined
Beautiful
Dark
Moody
Sunshine
Quiet
Energetic
Awkward
Indecisive
Loving

I'm all these things...THAT is who I am.

I'm happy...

It's Saturday. I've been at the front desk (my old post) of my office for almost 10 hours. It's kind of cloudy outside. Everyone else in the office is tucked away doing a "code sprint" and I don't even really know what that is or what the result will be. I've been cleaning up after them, setting up their meals, running little errands. Sounds miserable right?

Nope.

I'm getting paid OT to sit around and make sure the office is secure and hard working people are well fed and comfortable. I'm eating for free. I'm wearing the most comfortable clothes I own. I have a job. I work for a company and with a group of people that has taken care of me, helped me grow, and puts its arm around my shoulder during the toughest two years of my life.

I am really happy right now. This moment. Nothing that has happened matters in this moment.

A little bored, yes. I little jacked up from my Go Girl, yes. Doesn't matter.

I've been reading this little book called "The Happiness Makeover" by M. J. Ryan and it is a gem. It doesn't say it will change your life or make you rich or anything like that. It just gives you common sense tips on how to be happier. It's working...and really I feel silly that I didn't already know these things. Many things in life are learned and this is something I had to learn. It's going to take practice to make being happy a part of who I am but I know I can do it.

Things are going great for the company I work with so that makes me happy. I've never experienced this and it is fun to watch and be a part of.

I am finally going to be doing a job I really have been wanting to do. What I know, what I'm good at. Two more weeks and I can show myself and everyone else what I'm made of. It's exciting. It's what I know how to do, but in a completely different environment. One that will challenge me. It's a little scary but you know what? I am just going to push the worries aside because they will just bog me down and suck away this amazing feeling I have. I know I can do this. I know it. Being able to say that? Amazing.

So, I am going to sit here for as long as they need me because that is what I like to do. Help people. Be there. Be dependable. Smile (maybe between yawns at this point).

I did it!

My first race has come and gone and it was amazing, liberating, fun, emotional...more than I thought it would be. It was fun! I had fun...running. I did it with my mom and my sister and that made it all the more special.





Here's proof.





and here is mom and I after the race with our MEDALS haha.

I didn't try to be Supergirl and run the whole thing...I just did what my body told me...I'd walk briefly here and there, mom would catch up then pass me, I'd do the same...and I think in the long run I had a better time because of it. My goal was to stay under 40 minutes and we finished in 38:50! I got 78th place overall out of 452 5K runners and 26th place for females my age out of 113. I think it's pretty awesome. I only know how to come in last or almost last...so every time I passed anybody it blew my mind a little bit.

I have to give major props to my mom. She is 58 years old and really didn't get to train as much as I did and she hung right in there with me. She placed 5th for her age group. Yay Mom!

Big thanks to my sister for being so supportive and paying my registration. She ran the 10K and placed 38th in her age group...running around 57 minutes.

I'm considering doing another one soon because we had so much fun...there's that word again...fun.

So I've officially checked off one of my goals for 2011. Of course, now I've added a new one...I want to focus on strength training more and get Jillian Micheal's like abs. Should be a breeze right?

Vegas is next...that is assuming the government doesn't rape me so bad with my income taxes I have to get a second job for the next few months.

Run, it's fun.

365 days

One year ago today I said goodbye to my old life. One year ago today, my husband helped me put my half our stuff into my apartment and said goodbye. Neither of us thought it was for good. "We just have to make it six months..." we said. One year ago today, I was shattered, I was tired, I was terrified, I didn't even know how I would eat or breathe on my own.

Today I got up and ran for over two miles non stop. I still have my apartment, I pay my own bills, Tully is happy, I have new friends, I have amazing health, I have money in the bank, I have less debt, I have a race to run, Vegas to conquer, and I can most definitely eat and breathe on my own.

I'm still not divorced. Actually going through with it is going to be really hard. Letting go is hard especially once you've forgiven someone. Especially when you still consider them a dear friend. Letting go is hard when your old friends are still on the other path of marriage and children. I know I have to let go though...it's holding this new stronger me back. I will wrap up the last 12 years in a pretty little box and store it away in a safe place in my heart...but I have to stop looking at it.

I'm still plagued with self doubt, though not as much. I still get insecure. I still need pats on the back and compliments and reminders that I have accomplished something. I still have lots of questions. What do I do now? Go it alone or with somebody? When you can suddenly do anything, it's overwhelming. I'll figure it out at some point I'm sure. For now, I'm just trying to enjoy life as much as possible. I'm enjoying my new found confidence, strength and freedom.

I'll never forget that evening a year ago, standing in my box filled living room with my mom, totally lost.

Mom-"Are you hungry?"
Me-"Yeah, we could order a pizza I guess...but wait...has He eaten?" (He, being the husband that drove away a couple hours before)

See? I didn't even know how to think about a meal without worrying about him.

To celebrate, I think I'll order a pizza, just the way I like it.

C25K Week Six, Day Two

Ouch. Need I say more? Today was not easy. You'd think after doing a 20 minute run last weekend (YEP 20 MINUTES!!! EEEK!) that two ten minute runs would be easy. Ow, no. The weather sucked this week (NorCal sucked=cold and raining) (cold=anything below 65 degrees, I know I know) so I only got one treadmill run in.

Whether it was the colder air, or my tired muscles, I'm not sure. Today was just not fun. I did the two ten minute runs and that's what matters. Five minutes goes by really fast now and that in itself is amazing to me. Run two was much easier because I was warmer and looser. My right ankle is going to be a problem simply because of my gait. If I decide to keep running as part of my fitness program, I'll have to splurge on expensive shoes. I don't want to create any long term damage.

I have realized I enjoy the walk/run/walk/run pattern more than just running. I got really bored during my twenty minute run last week. It feels more satisfying to stop for a couple minutes, walk, and start up again. I enjoy the mini goals more than one big one I guess. I'm not sure if I'll run the whole 5K next month or just go with what feels right. I'm not doing it for time...and I'm not even really doing it to prove I can anymore. I can already answer that question. I'm just doing it to meet a goal I put in place for myself.

I had to stay in and go back to some of my old cardio kick boxing DVDs this week and I will say this, my endurance has improved significantly. I barely broke a sweat from the DVD and my recovery time was extremely short. It feels pretty amazing.

The next session is one 25 minute run. I'll let you know how it goes...

Remember when lunch was just lunch?

I'm reading a book about how to be more happy.

This post is not about that.

I'm human and I have many emotions and right now they are annoyance and frustration.

Scene:
Email-E to M, "Let's get together when I'm in town." M to E, "How about lunch, I'm going out that night already. Sounds good!"

Email-E to M and L "Hey girls, lunch at 11:30am Saturday?" M to L and E- "Sounds good! Let me know where or I can make suggestions."

Text from E the night before to M and L "So are we on for lunch? How about salad buffet? WE are bringing little E."

*My brain explodes...no girls lunch...the hubby and kid are coming...sad.* Realize that means He L is coming too. Humph, fifth wheel. Fine whatever, I'll deal.

Text from E-"L wants Little Town Cafe, see you then!"

Saturday morning:

Text from E-"JJ (E's guy) invited G and A, M (since you are single, not said but implied) Can you get there early and get a table for seven?"

M to E-"This place only has tables for 4 and a long wait on weekends as it is. Pick new place."

E to M-"IPOP ok? Can you let L know, I have to workout now."
M to E-"IPOP is fine. L won't be up till after 10 though, maybe you should call her."

M passes info to L not expecting a response.

L to M-"IPOP is too unhealthy. E changed the plans so she and JJ can figure it out, I'm going back to bed."

M passes info to E. "You ladies let me know."

End scene.

Remember when going to lunch was just you and your girls going to lunch? Somehow it turned into breakfast at noon for seven with no set location...