October 24, 2010

Looks like today is the first day of the rest of my life...

Let's move on now shall we?

Let's forget about that last post shall we? Though even the sad times warrant just as much attention they aren't much fun are they? Look at the bright side...reading that had to make you feel like your life was freakin awesome!

There will probably be no rhyme or reason to this post so just go with it...that's kind of what my life is like right now anyway. Go with the flow as they say. Which is so NOT me. I like lists and order and to know who, what, where, when and why. Preparation. I like preparation. Life is kind of giving me the middle finger in regards to that now isn't it?

Good grades, check.
College, check.
Degree, check.
High paying job, ummmm uh huh.
Husband, check.
House (see high paying job...um ok whatever I don't need a house until I'm 40)
Kids, crap where did husband go?! uncheck

See a list. I make lists. My current one kind of looks like this:

Figure out husband situation-pending
Take care of self, CHECK
Pay off debt, working on it
Have fun and say yes (as long as it doesn't contradict Take care of self) a lot more

That's it. Everything else is up in the air for now.

Having fun:
My little sister is 30! Her party was almost a total success. It would have been nice if my step dad's truck hadn't broken down in the party store parking lot 45 min before the party and we could have decorated BEFORE the guests arrived...but what can you do? We got there eventually, we danced A LOT (heaven heaven heaven for me), I saw old friends, there were tears and hugs and laughter. I got hit on by a guy who was almost the antithesis of what I find appealing but whatever. I got a few eye popping reactions from people over my little black dress/shirt/dress which was cool but surprising. Like, hello? Do I normally look like garbage or do my lil sis' friends think I'm incapable of hotness? People wonder why I always compare myself to her...jeez. Well, I fooled you huh? Oh FYI...the hottie on the right, that's our MOM. I am so not afraid to get older.

Speaking of hotness, I got called a narcissist. Nice right?
Narcissism:–noun
1.
inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2.
Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.

Oh yeah, that's me in a nutshell (rolling eyes). Yes, I have a healthy level of vanity. Mom raised me that way. Without it, well, I just think you would have no motivation to take care of yourself and look presentable. I'm not talking red carpet wear every day. I'm talking clothes that fit well and clean hair and brushed teeth when you go out in public.

Funny thing is, I got called a narcissist when I said sunglasses are good not only for eye protection but to prevent wrinkles caused by squinting. I was giving advice to someone else that was having a discussion with me. "Worrying about all those things must be such a burden." Um, no...I don't find trying to be healthy a burden. They are called good habits. OK, so I can lay off the little health tips. Fine. It's about health though, not vanity. I've since decided narcissist name caller doesn't really know what narcissist means. Besides if the only person I truly loved was me wouldn't I not give a crap about a certain someone moving on? Exactly.

I did fret over this a few days though. Am I self absorbed? Do I talk about myself too much? My dad is. Did I inherit that? Then again what in the hell am I supposed to talk about? I live alone with my dog for goodness sakes! This is my ME time everyone has been harping on me to cherish.

Blurring the lines between work/personal life:

I have taken a huge step (for me) in the last couple months. I'm letting my guard down at work a bit. It's scary. I mean, I could lose my job next week and then bye bye new friends right? I have to do this though...I see these people all the time. We have shared goals and projects. I'm not a robot...I can't not let them in a little bit right? So, I'm saying yes (see list above) and have discovered a wonderful thing...HAPPY HOUR.

I really had no idea how awesome this time of day could be. Normally I'd be walking my dog and working out and paying bills, etc etc. Now I drink and eat. LOL....OK OK not that extreme, once or twice a week for a couple hours. That's all. I love it though! $2 margaritas? Love. $4 appetizers? Love. Griping about daily annoyances while drinking and eating? Love.

Babysitting your coworkers kid for 5 hours...um, yeah...not as fun as happy hour. Whoever that Fred guy on Nickelodeon is scares the crap out of me.

One little downer this week...kinda miss that truly crazy utter happiness that comes from your soul kind of feeling. You know that happiness that just bursts out with an uncontrollable smile or makes your heart feel huge? Miss it...but there is this...

Remember the little phenomenon called "Free Hugs"? I even bought a shirt from this guy and wore it all the time (probably wouldn't do that now since my only body guard is a 25lb one foot tall dog). "No, not you dude...only females/hot guys/non creepy guys get free hugs." Love this video.




I've rediscovered how wonderful hugs are. They help a lot. Go on and hug somebody.

Later. : )

FYI

The author of this blog (me) is officially screwed up. I just thought you'd all like to know. I wondered how everything that happened in the last year would impact me. Well, in a not good way. In a VERY not good way. (Yes, yes, I'm stronger from my failure and all the pain and I've grown up and blah blah yes I know that part) I don't trust people anymore. Mainly I don't trust ME anymore.

My "friend or foe" filter is broken. First there was ALL THAT LAST SUMMER and then someone who I thought was a friend turned out to be a pig and now that I'm trying to make more new friends I can't decipher anything they do without thinking it's something else.

So thank you Guy Who Married Me and Mr. Pig for altering my brain. Thanks so much.

For the rest of you...patience...you'll have to be really patient.

Good Times

This post comes by special request as I was recently told my blog made someone really sad. I am just one of those types that usually only feels the need to vent when I am sad/worried/annoyed/lonely. So special requester, here is my Happy Post.

Guess what? I've been having a bit of fun lately. I've been doing stuff. With other people. Yep. I know right?

Oh but first...(and this is totally a chick thing, we obsess over this stuff so it's very important to acknowledge it) I am officially 98lbs and pretty buff and I actually have some abs! It feels amazing. I mean hello? I weighed this much at 19 when I hit the gym 3-4 times a week! Who thought I could do that at 31 and a half? Mind you, I can't eat whatever I want like at 19, but really, who cares? I look awesome. Ha! There.

<---Oh look, who is that wearing her skinny sister's dress?

Moving on...work is going well. I will not bore you with the details. Basically, my job is the same but I am reminded every day what cool, fun people I work with. I mean, this past Thursday I was off getting a massage (gift from work) with our receptionist and our supervisor. Not bad right? I also joined the Culture and Leadership Book Club (add big announcer voice here). We are reading a business book called Good to Great by Jim Collins. I actually like it. It's making me look at my workplace differently and myself differently. The club itself is giving me the chance to interact with people I normally don't at work and that's a good thing.

My yearly review is coming up. I am anticipating it going well.

Okay, so last weekend I participated in a social mixer at work (wine), dinner with a coworker (sake), Margarita Night with my two bffs (duh, obvious), and went out dancing with my sister and her friends (vodka). Sunday I felt like crap. It was worth it though. My weekend flew by, all smiles, no frowns. Good times. Anyone who has known me for a long time knows this is not typical me behavior. I'm much more of a "stay in watch a movie, in bed by 11pm" kind of girl. Still am, but it's fun to let loose once in a while.

I ate a LOT of sushi this month, lol. It's not difficult with Mizu so close to home. Great place, moderately priced, yummy sushi.

I am currently reading The Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson. I spent the last two weeks reading book one, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, at the suggestion of a coworker and now I'm on book 2, The Girl Who Played with Fire. Murder mysteries haven't been on my radar since junior high but there is just enough twisted sickness for me to enjoy them. The main character is super smart and my height (hey that never happens, give me a break) so she's totally awesome of course. Glad they were suggested to me.

Oh yeah, I had a girls weekend with my bffs at my apartment and got them into True Blood (more sushi, Bloody Mary's, vodka)!

Today was a nice day by the resort-like pool at my sister's apartment complex. Just me, my sis, and my mom...reminding me of some of my favorite times growing up. We had lunch, talked, sunned, swam...really nice.

Might go dancing next weekend in the city (vodka?)....

How I lost that last five pounds

Maybe you don't care how I lost that last five pounds. Maybe you do. Maybe you "hate" me because I only weigh 100lbs and you are thinking "Oh gawd, you already have an advantage, you aren't me I don't care, shut up!" Fine. Whatever, get over yourself. I've been there. I still feel that way sometimes. It reminds me of those boys in 5th grade during fitness testing who could only do one pull up and I did two (haven't been able to since, I was so buff!) and they tried to rationalize it away. "Well you only weigh sixty pounds!" It's all relative. I'm smaller so my muscles are smaller, everything is smaller (well, except my head maybe, lol). Let's put things in perspective before I continue. 120 lbs is chubby for me. Here's proof:



Omg barf! I really hate this picture but it GREAT motivation. I use it as a reminder for how far I've come on days I don't feel good enough. This was early 2006 about 6 months after I got married. I'd gained 8lbs since my wedding day. This was a pic I sent to my sister to show her my new jeans (yeah, I actually thought I looked good). I weighed 117 lbs.

Fast forward: I ended up losing 11lbs and a whole lot of body fat. My waist shrunk like 3 inches. Since then I've maintained. Then my life fell apart and I dropped like 8 pounds from stress. 98lbs people! Oops, not good. Scared the crap out of myself. Now that my life has a new normal things have evened out. I gained about 6lbs back and then started taking care of myself the right way. So here I am at 100lbs.

I can't say for sure how it happened or why. There is no science in these answers. These are just the things that are different in my life since I first lost that 11lbs and was at 106lbs. I am real, not a celeb, just your average 30 ish sorta single female with lazy days and cravings and a budget.

1. I'm "single": Okay this wasn't really a choice and probably isn't one for you but you might learn something from it. I eat a lot less cheese and butter and hot dogs. A lot less bad fat basically. What is it with guys and cheese and butter and hot dogs anyway? One hot dog is like 160 calories, a bun is 100 to 200 calories. A slice of cheese is 100 calories, a tablespoon of butter is 100 calories. That's a lot less calories too...just not eating those three things. Guys like to eat, a lot. You don't have to eat what they eat, when they eat, or as much as they eat. You can't. You shouldn't. Muscle is where our metabolism lives and they have a lot more of it.

2. I have taught myself to always look at the calorie count of foods: This is a huge one. HUGE. If I am going to have cheese, I have a slice. I know what I'm putting in my mouth. Know what you are putting in your mouth. If you are going out to eat, go online and look at the nutritional data first.

3. Record what you eat: I use Daily Burn. I love it. They have a free iPhone/iTouch app that syncs with their FREE website. FREE. No excuses. Pretty much anything and everything you eat is on there. You can add things into their database if it's not. You enter in your weight, age, activity level, and goal weight and Daily Burn will give you a daily calorie range to shoot for. I kid you not, just using this tool, without worrying about exercise, took off 2lbs.

I basically eat what I want. I am not a crazy fruit and veggie eater. I do eat potato chips, dessert, etc. I do drink alcohol. The difference is, I eat smaller portions, I record it, and I make sure I stay in my calorie range. It has become second nature. If I eat ice cream after dinner, I don't have a glass of wine too. Usually doing that will push me over my goal.

3b. Sorry, alcohol counts: Basically, an alcoholic beverage (shot, 5 oz. wine, a beer) is going to cost you 100-160 calories. Mixed drinks are way more. Sucks right? Oh well. Deal with it or get ready to love your beer belly.

4. Don't eat junky fast food: I don't have much reason to eat at places like Taco Bell, Jack in the Box, KFC, etc. these days. I do enjoy Subway or Chipotle on occasion. The first three I listed...I mean, who knows what kind of additives are in that stuff right? I think that might have something to do with why it's been so much easier. Fast doesn't have to be bad but in most cases it is.

5. Walk: I don't know how much this has made an impact but it's a big difference in my life the last few months. You don't have to power walk and you don't have to walk for hours. I walk my dog twice a day for a total of about 30 minutes a day. One day a week we walk about 2.5 miles for 30-40 minutes.

6. It only takes 20-30 minutes of sweat a day: Besides my walking I make to sure to do something for my body almost every day (5-6 days a week). Whether it's yoga, strength training, or some cardio, I do it. If you are going to do cardio, do it in intervals. What I mean is get your heart rate up high (for me 180 bpm) for a couple minutes and then let is slow down for a couple minutes. Repeat. It seems like everything I read these days says to do interval training. My sister runs miles and miles every week and can't seem to drop any pounds lately. I think it's all about keeping your body guessing so mix it up. Don't do the same thing every day.

So, I'd love to put a great (recent) after pic but apparently nobody is really taking my picture these days so here's the link to my Facebook page. There are photos as recent as April, good enough I think.

I hope this helps. I hope this takes some of the pressure off. Give yourself a break if you have a bad day. What matters is that you start again.

Pet Peeve: Installment 1

It seems like lately, things have been getting on my nerves. The same things...over and over. I am going to try to use this blog as a way to purge my mind of these annoyances. I'm sure you'll be able to relate to some and maybe even get a kick out of it.

Reply All isn't that hard

In the last couple of weeks, it seems like I have had to be an event planner in my personal life. I don't know what is going on with people but they seem to have forgotten that communication is key when planning even the smallest gathering. We all need to know where, when, and how or it's not going to happen, right? With all the networking tools we have today it should be easier. Apparently not.

I've had two situations, one with a group of five and one with a trio, where an idea for a gathering was started with an email and then everyone suddenly stopped hitting Reply All. In the first case, communication stopped completely, verbal agreements were made between two of the five, and suddenly the rest of us were completely lost on what was going on! In the second case, I sent an email invite to two friends, one replied all, and the third....sent me a text with a possible date and time she was free. A text? Obviously you are reading the email so why are you texting just me? Hit Reply all and ask both of us.

So then I txt back, "Yeah, I can but we'll have to see if E can do it". Then nothing. So here I am the next morning and I pull up our email thread and I have to Reply all and say EM txt me she can do it this time, what about you E?" All of this could have been avoided if EM had just hit reply all.

It makes no sense to me. It's like we have too many forms of communication and people just can't decide what to use anymore. Remember ten years ago when we just had email? No Twitter, no social networking, no texting, no Evite. Remember a few years before that when we just had phones? Paper invites?

I have been considering an "Open House" day for my apartment so anyone that hasn't stopped by, can. I'm worried that unless I send a paper invite that looks official (like I put a little time in it) I'm going to get some e-replies and a bunch of no-shows.

What do you think? Does this happen to you? Are people forgetting the basics of communication and planning because we rely so heavily on all our fun new tools?

Hello Sunshine

Spring and Summer are finally here! That means I get to be a little bit happier. I get to pull out my tank tops and get pedicures. I get to lay by the pool and swim (one of my favorite things to do) I mean, really, Mother Nature, it's June. I know we have like, totally screwed up your ecosystem but you keep fighting you hear me? There are a bunch of us that really to love you (ME!). California is even about to ban those awful plastic shopping bags you are choking on. I mean I know there are a bunch of us who are really dumb and insist and screwing things up (BP) and I'm so so sorry. I wish they would just drown in the oil they love so much.

The Welcome Picnic at work I planned went off without a hitch. Supposedly people were even complimenting how it turned out. That is a huge relief since I have zero experience planning events besides my um, wedding...moving on! We don't have an events team at Sugar so basically whenever the company does anything fun it's up to the admins, Facilities and HR. That's a total of 4 people at our company. Yep. So now I'm responsible for two more summer events to which my sister asked, "So you're the Events team now?". Uh, yeah. See she is on Verisign's Events TEAM. She gets paid way more than I do to do it.....The Chinese employees arrived and are all settled in which is nice. I get a couple of mellow weeks this month and then I get to deal with end of quarter with accounting. Yippee. The excitement of dual roles never ends!

Other than all that it's been a rough couple of weeks. I am feeling really hopeless about my future. Basically all I see right now is A)things working out in my marriage and my life changing pretty dramatically or B)ending up alone because I totally suck at getting to know new people especially guys. I mean, I'm not 21 anymore so it's not like I have all these available single people to hang out with to meet other single people. I have a bunch of coupled up 30 something friends and family, that despite all their declarations of "We'll have parties and we'll do this and that with you!" aren't really doing that. I'm not surprised and I bear no ill will. I don't expect them to leave their mates home alone to be with me all the time. I think they didn't realize what they were saying when my couple hood took a dive.

I know, I know. Being a victim is lame. I am trying hard not to be. It's just been tough lately. He is feeling pressured though I'm not intentionally being impatient. I'm just lonely. I love him you know? He's making progress but it's slow. It may be worth the wait...that's what I hang on to. Don't think I'm just pining away not considering alternatives. I am. I have days where I wonder if I really want to give this another go and days where I'm completely certain this person is supposed to be in my life.

My days are becoming so robotic and I worry I'm getting OCD or ADD or something. I think about each of my meals before I even get out of bed (I mean, what else do I have to do?) I have to have my phone and itouch with me at all times or I feel all disconnected from the world even if nobody is calling/txting/twittering me. I bounce around from one thing to the next in my apartment trying to keep it just right. I've started weighing myself daily which I know is totally weird and pointless. I can't go one day without logging my calorie and exercise. At first it was just to lose a couple pounds (which I did yay) and getting a better grip on what I put in my body. Now I feel a little anxious if I don't record it. Uh oh. Not good right? Sis says "stay skinny" and called me a "hottie" (so weird since she's the family hottie). He said I'm too thin and to eat more. I think he's just worried or worried I'm too hot (oh snap! lol).

To put it out there, I'm 4'10" and weigh 100.5lbs. A completely healthy weight for me. I exercise about 30 min a day and eat 3 meals plus snacks so no, I'm not going to become anorexic or something. I love food too much and I will never love exercise that much.

I just don't really like how my thoughts are right now. I think it's me trying to control what I can control since my marriage is so out of control? I don't know...My life is in limbo and it's really frustrating.

Anyway, off to go walk Tully, do my workout, get ready for lunch at grandma's...(see there I go making a list again)